what to do?

[buzz bee]

im not passing judgement, im just looking at it from the perspective of someone thats been hurt really recently

[stonesnbones]

Self Righteous Brigade? What you are doing is wrong. Affairs are wrong. I hope when the priest was saying all the wedding vows you heard it and understood it. You are supposed to have the utmost sense of loyalty to the person and family you commited to.

I understand that his sort of thing happens. It probably does in any marriage. But the thing is, marriage has set you on a path in which you should now be a family man, thinking family. Sure you should think "me" as well, but this is definately not a situation to be thinking "me".

From your self-righteous comment, It sounds like you are still here waiting for someone to give you some sort a solution in which you can hook up with your affair lover and still have each others families doing alright after its all said and done.. Sorry, this sort of thing does not have happy endings.

[secretaffair]

hey guys, i really do get the message loud and clear, but you are all missing the point i think, this is the here and now situation, whether wrong or right from any perspective, social conditioning deems affairs to be wrong in most walks of society, so perhaps i dont conform to the ways of society and nor does she. it takes guts to pursue what you feel strongly about when the odds and support are against you, not that im looking for any but i just thought there might be likeminded people out there with the the same situation...i know there are, perhaps they are too ashamed to admit to it.

[Only-virgins]

Im sorry but from what I have read you don't have any choices. Your all-ready to far into cheatin, affair, call that garbage what ever you want. If you decide to quit your marriages and be together fine...but if you decide not to persue then never the less your marriages will end because your spouse deserves to know what happened wether you decide to stick around or not. They will know eventually. You plan to keep it a secret for ever if you dont go with your affair?. I think you deserve to be with your affair love because your wife doesn't deserve a piece of shit like you. If you do not agree with the social conditioning then you should have never stood at that alter or were ever you got married....you made a promise to your wife and failed to keep it....thanks..I am 22 and all-ready a better man then you..feels kind of good to me.

[secretaffair]

all i can say is live life a little longer and then you may deserve the vague right to call me a piece of shit, till then, i hope your life stays so damned perfect as it sounds, aren't you the lucky one mr golden boy. perhaps thats why today is not sunny cos its up ur ass shinin from there. the world is made up of individuals all different and noone has ever written a rule book that everyone can agree on yet ok?

[shh!]

I think the thing that is most outrageous to me is all the time, energy and money you have been stealing from your kids and wife (not to mention her youth, which would apparently might have been better spent in another way). This was no one-night- stand (which, frankly, I would have been somewhat more understanding of), but the continual deception and investment of commodities - that by rights belong to your family - is frankly inexcusable. Hell, I would have liked you better had you said you were having an affair, but never would DREAM of leaving your family, because it would at least have indicated you have some sense of priorities and appropriate sense of loyalty to your family.

I think most "rule books" disapprove of deception, theft, and blatant disregard of the well being of your family (for whom you are responsible). (And yes, I am older than Only-Virgins.)

If you really have any feelings at all for your wife, you should tell her what is going on so she can make some decisions of her own. Who knows? She may decide to keep your sorry ass around if she feels you are a decent enough father, but it is wrong to rob her of that choice. And, yeah, I also disapprove of placing your own desires and transitory feelings above the well being of your kids. It's disgusting, actually.

[Only-virgins]

all i can say is live life a little longer and then you may deserve the vague right to call me a piece of shit, till then, i hope your life stays so damned perfect as it sounds, aren't you the lucky one mr golden boy. perhaps thats why today is not sunny cos its up ur ass shinin from there. the world is made up of individuals all different and noone has ever written a rule book that everyone can agree on yet ok?

I never said my-life was perfect. Offcourse I will try to make it as close as possible and one way is to attempt at keeping every promise I make. I know everyone is different but your lying to someone...is that a trait you want to keep? Always ask yourself..."Am I the person I want to be?". I am sorry, I didnt mean that much direspect in my previous post. Situation like these can make me over-react.

[§ouLto§ouL]

I think if at all, he is blatantly disregarding what humanity calls "Morals"... f*ck the rule book idealism, what about MORALS?? The fact that you are sitting there putting off all the obvious right choices because YOU are feeling good (while your wife and kids suffer unbeknownst to what's going on) because you are feeling you deserve more in life than them is just terrible. And yes, I use the word "suffer" because they simply have NO clue any of these things have been going on.... So they are simply walking through this life (that YOU gave them, BTW) like nothing is wrong, when EVERYTHING is wrong. Now, that's what I call suffering and that word will be set in stone when they do find out what is going on. Whether or not you come out and tell them (and save face for yourself and maybe, JUST maybe... some honesty and integrity, if there is even either of those two things left within you) or time will pass and time will tell (literally)....you can't go on like this forever b/c they WILL find out eventually. It's all on your shoulders and what you do with it can either save you some integrity as a husband and father, or completely cause it to come crashing down in a horrible mess. The latter will happen regardless, but how you prepare yourself and your family for everything you will bring them up to speed on, is what will matter... nuff said.

§ouLto§ouL

[ALovelyLady86]

I agree with Soul. If anyone on here knows me they know I absolutely despise cheaters and sometimes I get too mad to even respond to their posts. But, let me try and put this into perspective for ya Mr Affair person...

Years ago you met your wife, you fell in love and you made a COMMITTMENT. Or was that taken out of the vows since then?? You committed for her, for your un/born children, and in front of God. Now you have taken it into your own hands to go outside of your marriage because YOU had a problem with something that was going on inside it.

You know, it doesnt matter who the person is, people always cheat for the same reasons. The main issue is being self centered. You need to realize that YOU made the choice to marry your wife, and you told her and made a promise to her that you would love her til you died. Now youve taken all that and eaten it for yourself, your pride.
Your wife didnt ask for this! Nor did those beautiful children you made with her! I hope you know that if I ever found out MY father went outside the marriage with my mother I would disown him so quickly. Is this new woman worth you losing your children cause hunny they will find out!
Do you honestly think that in the end, youll be with your mistress and youll have a nice happy family together?? Think this through in a little more detail. You have ruined any chance you had of having a happy family with YOUR family, the family you already have with probably a great woman.

I believe that some people just lack the ability to understand whats right, and you are one of those people. I cant feel sorry for you. If you had a bad marriage you dont run from it, to another woman, looking for peace. You talk to your wife and you solve it. THAT is what makes a man a man.

Your wife deserves to know about this affair!

[secretaffair]

i must thank u all for ur likeminded opinions on this matter and i do appreciate the constructive criticism. u may get the impression that i have no morals or scruples but i do, i bleed just like anyone else...ice water will not pour from my veins. i dont feel great with the guilt i have to carry and nor does she, like all rare flowers...they eventually die.

[secretaffair]

p.s....sarah.

u seem to have a rose coloured view of the world and think that people get married before kids and everything is a bit hollyood...perhaps for you maybe....u dont know my life and nor do i think u would want to. i am not lookin for pity, this a forum for all things perfect or unperfect....u can lecture me with all the textbook answers, anyone can do that.....u dont think i have looked at every angle, well i have....this situation may make us immoral, but there are worse things that could happen i can assure you......

[secretaffair]

p.s i am an atheist......u can believe in god all u like...........if there was such a thing this forum would not exist cos god would never allow ****ups like this to happen...........ah the eternal paradox....or is this just a test?...yadayadayada........

[whaywardj]

Secret: You completely intellectualize the life and truth of yourself to death. I feel a little sad for you. You're so far into your head you can't tell the difference between things anymore. You think it's ALL you.

[secretaffair]

hey, we share the same birthday!.....at least thats one thing in common we have....hehe....must be somethin about xmas babies