So I met this girl...

[IntenseGuy]

A bit of background. I'll try to paint as complete a picture as I can.

I'm 39M. I think I'm what's called a serial monogamist. One serious relationship after another, no cheating (well not on my part) and I always end the relationship BEFORE finding someone new. It's the decent thing to do. I think it's probably the case that in general my partners have loved me more than I loved them, though I did love them.

15 months ago a 10 year relationship (my longest) ended when my ex suddenly stole my children and jumped on a plane to another country. This was not the first time a woman had lied to me and betrayed me but it was by far the most hurtful and damaging. It's fair to say I have some trust issues.

5 months ago I tried online dating, quickly met a woman who I fell for in a big way (she liked me too, but not as much - my pace was way too fast) then just as quickly I panicked and sabotaged our rapidly blossoming relationship after just a week and a half. That week and a half was hell. Couldn't eat couldn't sleep. The bad kind of falling in love. Realising I was not ready, I waited.

1 month ago I returned to online dating and managed to get quite a lot of dates in a few weeks, eventually resulting in meeting E.

E is amazing. Beautiful. Extremely intelligent (I feel a bit stupid by comparison). Full of life. Amazing in bed (again I feel inadequate by comparison). We spent 10 consecutive days together, her taking time off work to be with me (I am off work anyway at the moment) and in the last couple of days we were together I started to feel a real connection to her. Problem is, in spite of her obvious interest in me, I am feeling insecure and getting "paranoid".

Two days ago she left for Calais where she is spending a week doing volunteer work at the refugee camp. Since then I have been panicking. She's Italian and started online dating just after brexit (I'm in the UK btw) - maybe she just wants to marry a Brit so she can stay in the UK? I know that's silly but these are the sort of thoughts I'm having.

She's 43, never married, no kids, and I sense that she is terrified of any sort of responsibility or commitment. She told me her mother committed suicide when she was 12, and her late teens and early twenties were a drug induced blur of escapism and one night stands.

I can't shake the feeling that through this whirlwind romance she is acting out some sort of fantasy: an idealised, child like idea of what love is. She's very open and talks freely about past relationships, and what she says worries me. She gets a big crush, as she puts it, then enters into a relationship with someone, then invariably gets bored of the sex after 18 months (in my experience sex only gets better the more years you spend doing it with one person) but she stubbornly sticks with the relationship (always at a certain emotional distance) until she gets a crush on someone else, then she switches. This does not sound to me like a healthy pattern.

I like her a lot, can't stop thinking about her actually, but there are some alam bells going off. Is she bad news or am I just still not ready for a relationship?

[TheEvilJester]

I feel you here. That is definitely a tough call. On the one hand, she is basically exactly telling you her pattern. That she likes somebody for a while, but then gets bored and moves on. After she's said that, why exactly would you expect that you would be any different? To be honest with you, I'm kind of right with you on that one. I think, hearing that from somebody I was dating, I'd have to end it. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a psycho. .....Well.... that's debatable. LOL! But, I'm not a psycho when it comes to dating. In other words, I'm not going to think, within the first date, that this person is so THE ONE and I want to get married tomorrow.

So, yeah, it is okay early in a relationship to not necessarily know where it is going. .....But you should both at least be on the same page. In other words, if you eventually want to have a serious, long lasting relationship with somebody, then that should at least be her end goal as well. There doesn't need to be pressure to decide if you two ARE that long lasting relationship right away.... but it should at least be the expectation that that is the intention. Otherwise, what would be the point?

It basically sounds like she's giving you a preview of your future. Why would you stick around for that now if you want something more serious? Now, it is certainly possible that she only has that pattern because she just hasn't quite found the right guy. Maybe you two will work out and things will be entirely different. Thing is, I don't see where she's necessarily given you any reason to believe that will happen vs. you being just yet another guy she gets bored of in 18 months. So, if nothing else, you should at least have a more serious discussion with her about it.

Share with her what you are looking for in a relationship. Make it clear your intention is not to pressure her. It isn't like you are expecting you both to know where things are going tomorrow.... but just that if she's basically telling you that she's probably going to want to move on and end the relationship after X months, then that just isn't what you are looking for right now. I mean, that is unless of course you actually ARE fine with just being with somebody for now and don't care if it leads to something more serious. You shared that you, yourself, have had some instances of lack of interest in commitment. So, maybe a more casual relationship like that IS something you want. I can't know that. I'm not you.

So, it's really up to what you want/what feels right for you. In the end, if you want a relationship that has potential of becoming serious and she's shown you no reason to believe that would ever happen with her, you'd not be wrong to end it. If it seems inevitable that the relationship with her will not work out in the end, then why would you waste your time? On the other hand, if there is a chance it could, maybe that is worth pursuing. That is up to you and her to decide. Not an easy task ahead of you, though, I get that. I wish you the best in figuring it out. If nothing else, I hope we are at least able to help you by offering our thoughts on the situation.

[IntenseGuy]

Thanks so much for making me feel a little less insane!

Today I decided to spill my guts to my sister and told her my concerns in a long phone call and she had a good take on it, she put my head in a much better space. I think I'm going to stick with it for now and see where it goes. Luck favours the brave, right?

Thanks again.

[TheEvilJester]

I helped somebody feel LESS insane? Ironic. LOL!

Kidding. Glad I was able to help even in some small way. Sometimes it helps just to talk things out even if it is with random strangers on this crazy world wide interwebs doohickey the kids use these days.

I would say, close friends and family are often better than random weirdos, though (and they don't get much weirder than me). So, glad to hear your sis was able to offer some thoughts of her own. You are definitely right. Sometimes life is for those brave enough to grab it. At the same time, though, there is a difference between bravery and stupidity. LOL! Don't misunderstand my point. I am NOT implying you are stupid.

Your situation is definitely a noodle-scratcher where there is no obvious answer. One the one hand, you two are enjoying each other's company right now, so why put a stop to that? Yet, on the other hand, she's exhibited a past of not really being able to commit to people, so how does that exactly instill much confidence that you will be different? So, in your case there isn't a clear answer. My only point being, if you choose to see where it goes, that is great. I sincerely hope it goes well. Just, don't completely ignore the signs, IF there are any, if it starts to seem like you will wind up being just yet another guy she gets bored of after a while.

Hopefully you don't even have to find that out. It's entirely possible you two will hit it off where she never really quite did with those other guys. Maybe the only reason she got bored of them was because they weren't really the right match for her. Possibly, it will turn out that you are where they were not. I sincerely hope that is what happens if that is what you want.

[melancholia]

Where are your kids and ex?? Have you not tried to find them since they vanished?