Feelings for someone who does not care about me, how to let him out of my life?

[Harlee215]

Hi. I had feelings for someone since 2013. We have been on and off these past few years. I helped him a lot throughout the years. I even helped him find the job he currently has because he asked me to help him apply online to jobs when he had no computer/wifi around him. I helped him a bit with school when he was confused with the work.

Recently, I have no idea what has gotten into him. He always called me his best friend but recently he tells me I am "just a friend" and nothing more. I told him that he called me his best friend before and then he goes "i do not remember saying that and if I did I am sorry I did not mean that". Before this conversation, he wanted me to act like I was a stranger to him on our college graduation day, trying to ruin my day for me, which I didn't let him ruin. Two Thursdays ago, we hung out and I stupidly had sex with him (thankfully, it was protected. I do not need even more problems with this guy). I found out two days later he gets a new girlfriend, like seriously. A month and a half we were acting normal, like a couple again and then this happens. When he told me I was no longer his best friend, just a friend, it was after the fact he got a girlfriend. He tells me he will not stop talking to me. However, he kind of has. I tried telling him how I felt about the friendship and how I felt like it was going to end because of his new relationship. I was told that it wasn't going to end. He tells me he would call me, gives me times he would call me but never did. I tried calling myself, never did. Last week, he yelled at me over the phone telling me that he was going to call, stop acting childish that he promised he would. Turns out that night after all that yelling, he never called me. He "forgot".

Today, he yelled at me even more when I called him to try to confront him about this again, but then he yelled at me even more and hung up in the middle of me speaking multiple times. He told me he had to get to work, which was another lie I heard because apparently our mutual friend told me that he called out of work and our mutual friend had to take his place (they work together).

How can I get over someone who I was so nice to and did everything for? I helped him with homework, let him order things to my house (he doesn't have a computer or wifi at his house because he cannot afford it, so he asked me to do it for him, plus he said that his family always opens his packages and takes his things), I brought him food multiple times, followed him and helped him with his errands, showed him places he never been to before, helped him get his current job or he would of been jobless (he had no idea how to apply for jobs since he never did it before since he only worked at his mothers restaurant and kept the tips for money). I don't want to like someone or give them the time of day when they do not give a f*ck about me. It is really hard as I invested over 2 years into liking him trying to make things worse, but he became a bully and a liar. I been losing sleep all week and haven't had proper meals because of myself feeling upset. Thank you all for the advice

[melancholia]

You are reinforcing his behavior by continuing to be there for him. He hasn't shown you an ounce of respect. People who care about a person don't treat them this way. He isn't your boyfriend. If he were, he would have asked you to be his girlfriend. He isn't even your friend, because friends don't treat their friends like this. You were convenient for him when he wanted you to be and you allowed him to walk all over you, have his cake and eat it, too.

The good news is you can stop where you're at and cut your ties with him. Stop calling him, stop texting him, stop reaching out to him in any way, shape or form. In fact, you should actually block him from contacting you and from all social media, because the second you pull back, he will come running. I guarantee he will. You need to separate yourself from him and this situation so that you can look at it with a clear perspective. Right now you're caught up in your feelings for him, but they won't last forever. If he were treating you right, you wouldn't as confused, upset, and frustrated as you are right now. He doesn't care about how you feel and what you do, so you shouldn't spend one more ounce of energy caring about him and what he is doing. It's not worth it and you deserve better.

[Harlee215]

Thank you, that is what I plan on doing. I feel stupid letting him back into my life. I only did because I believed he would actually change and be nice to me, which he was for a few months but then started acting mean again. I have no idea what I did to him to get him to act this way towards me. If he really never wanted to be with me, he should of ended things back in 2013 the first time and not keep me around. I just hope I can keep my word, this took a big toll on me, and I feel very drained at the moment.

[TheEvilJester]

I'm going to take a deep breath and then I'm going to answer you. My gut reaction is I want to track this guy down and stick one of my favorite stabbing weapons through his head. Hopefully it goes without saying I'd never actually do that and do not actually condone violence. LOL!

But, your story just hits home with me a little too much. You sound like a much younger me. I had to learn my lessons the hard way through a great deal of pain. Unfortunately, that is what happened to you here. Please don't make the same mistake I did in the past by not learning from it quickly enough. You did way too much for this guy and gave way too much. You are AWESOME for what you did because what good friend wouldn't want to help their friend out? But, he didn't deserve the help or even the friendship you provided him, and unfortunately you didn't see that until it was too late. He'd already hurt you.

If nothing else, please realize one thing.... you are NOT to blame. He's scum. You are a good person for wanting to be there for a friend. You are NOT wrong to expect the same in return. Now, you liked him as more than a friend and maybe he did not feel the same. THAT alone doesn't make him wrong. However, the disrespectful way he treats you, the way he strings you along (oh, so you're not even his best friend, but "just a friend" and yet he'll have sex with you at the drop of a hat?), the way he plays with your emotions.... None of that is okay in the slightest.

Here's the good news....

It may hurt now, and it may feel like you will never get over him.... but you WILL get over him. Time and distance are all that will really heal these wounds. You don't need a jerk like that in your life AT ALL. Not as a friend, not as anything more. You deserve better. Tell yourself that even if you don't believe it at first. Tell yourself that and keep telling yourself that. In time you will KNOW it is true. For now, I will say it for you. YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Spend time with friends who are actually a positive influence on you, who actually care about you and make you feel good about yourself. In time, you'll feel better. In time you will find a fella who actually values you, and when you and he fall in love, you'll really see why you are so better off without that jerk in your life. Heck, future you may even ponder whether past you was insane to ever want him. LOL!

You say you have no idea what you did to get him to treat you this way.... Do you know why that is, most likely? Most likely that is because YOU DID NOTHING. People like him discard others easily like they are nothing. You do not deserve that, nor does any of the dozens of people he's probably acted like good friends/even more with and then just tossed aside like yesterday's garbage. If you find yourself racking your brain over what you could have done to offend somebody so much to make them dislike you and find you cannot think of anything.... it is probably because you didn't do anything. They are just a useless piece of crap who tosses people aside like they are expendable. You should NEVER have to prove your worth to somebody.... to prove that they should be your friend/more than a friend. If they can't see the value in you and your friendship, then they don't deserve you in the first place.

Good luck to you. Believe me, you'll be okay in time. You'll be okay much faster if you realize now that you don't need him. That he doesn't deserve a spot in your life.

[Harlee215]

Thank you for your reply, I agree with you 100%. I am trying not to let him get into my life again. Today however, I did nothing and even though I had him blocked from my phone, it still showed up on my missed called list and then I stupidly texted him "what do you want from me?" and he claims it was a pocket call, which I don't believe as I think he was just trying to bother me. He is claiming he is happy our friendship is over though text messages, but then he comes around and wants to apologize so I can do favors for him. Also, he decided to call me every hurtful name in the book in text messages too. Our mutual friend is trying to get me to stop talking to him too, and he kind of has a crush on me and he wants to hurt this guy. I try telling him not to get in the middle of it, I don't want him getting hurt too. I think getting a new cell phone number would work in this situation also. I really did not do anything wrong to him, and this is how I end up being treated.

I'll make sure I spend time with friends who care about me. Next week I am going on a vacation so I really will get my mind off of him then.

[melancholia]

Yeah, maybe change your number if he can still contact you via phone even after you've blocked him. He is abusive and a loser, and he doesn't respect you or care about your feelings. Friends don't do that, so you are much better off to cut off contact with him for good. Clearly he is into playing games with you and you don't need that crap anymore.

Have fun on your vacation and take some time to relax, enjoy yourself, and regroup. Then when you come back home, you will have a fresh perspective on life and you can get back to feeling normal and happy again.

[TheEvilJester]

You shouldn't HAVE TO change your number. That is really a pain in the butternut squash to have to do because then you have to remember to tell everybody you want having the new number, to update it anywhere and everywhere you have it, etc. ....But, that is honestly probably a good idea here. At least if he doesn't respect your wishes and leave you the Hell alone. If he keeps finding a way to contact you even when you've told him to take a hike and even though you've actually blocked him, then yeah, I'd say just change your number. Then he has no way to contact you and you can put him in your past all the more easily.

Also, a little secret. When a normal human being truly no longer wants to be somebody's friend, they tend to simply stop reaching out to/talking to them. What they certainly DO NOT do is to keep abusing and verbally attacking them, calling them immature names.... then apologizing a few days later and asking for a favor. This prick just sounds like he enjoys drama and enjoys playing with people's feelings and emotions. Eventually everybody in his life will get sick of his bull crap and he'll have nobody. Karma is a b*tch. No reason for you to worry about getting any revenge/payback or telling him off. Eventually, karma will take care of that for you.

[Harlee215]

Hi everyone. I got a tiny update that I am kind of worried about. So after I posted this, I completely stopped talking to him, did not call him, I did nothing that reminded me of him. Fast forward almost a month later(okay 3 weeks since this post). I was going back to my old self feeling happy with everything. Now 2 days ago, our mutual friend sends me a screenshot on my phone of a text from him saying he wants to meet up with our mutual friend and I at a park on Monday to talk about our friendship(the only reason he wants to go to a park is because one time he was yelling at me in public and when he got on a bus two old ladies were talking about him in not so nice ways. The park is quiet and nobody is around so good for him *eye roll*).

He decides to call me last night, and I stupidly picked up because according to our mutual friend he was just going to tell me about the plans to want to talk about our friendship. However, he still acted the same. Did not sound serious, wanted to still be mean towards me over the phone and then asked me if I did his favor he asked me (which is returning HIS pants at a store so he can get his money back since he tried and it didn't work for him. He thinks it would work with me since I work in retail at the moment). Then he proceeded to laugh when I told him I'm being serious, I'm not doing you favors, I'm not going to listen to (excuse my language) the bullshit that comes out of his mouth. I hung up, he decides to repeatedly call me back and he did so for about 6 times. I really do not want to meet up with him on Monday because I got work to go to but however, our mutual friend who is not friends with him either anymore is going too and says if he decides to act like a bully we will just get up and leave. Our mutual friends other idea was to not show up and leave him hanging since he always made us wait 45 minutes - 2 hours for him to arrive places.

I do not know what to do, and I do not want to be late for work as I also take the city bus and last time he was arguing with me he made me 40 minutes late on purpose by wanting to continue an argument when he got off the bus (luckily i called my job saying I was going to be a bit late and they were okay with it). I don't want to put myself through anything bad again I was just starting to feel happy again with myself. I realize I do not need him in my life and I don't want to screw things up because he wants to meet up on monday

[melancholia]

Don't meet up with him. Stick to your guns and block his number so he can't call you. Or tell him you will report him to the police for harassment if he won't stop. You are doing the right thing by staying strong and telling him you refuse to do things for him. Over time, it will get easier and you will get to a place where you feel whole again. Focus your energy on things that make you happy, and surround yourself with good, positive people. You can get through this, and you will!

[TheEvilJester]

Unfortunately, I am not seeing this until now and it IS Monday. So, I may be slightly too late....

But my advice would be... DO NOT go see him. I wouldn't say you agree to go and then stand him up... I would rather suggest you just make it 100% clear to him that you are not coming and that he is to stop contacting you. I don't know why your friend would go either, and he/she certainly shouldn't be encouraging you to go. I don't see why there is any reason whatsoever that you would. Especially given that he's shown you no sign of anything changing. He's still being an immature, childish jack @$$.

Honestly, if Hell froze over and he was suddenly a perfect angel..... even then I would say that is great for him, but you should still put him permanently in your past. Thing is, he's still every bit the jerk he's apparently always been.

I know it may be a little hard right now to let go, but by avoiding him you are on the right track. Eventually, it won't be hard at all to put him in your past and not look back for a second. For now, if he contacts you again, make it clear he is never welcome to contact you again. If he will not stop, then I agree with melancholia. Let him know you will report him to the police if he does not stop.

I would then also suggest blocking his number and/or even changing your own number if necessary. Again, that does stink. You shouldn't HAVE TO do that. But, better to just do it and have piece of mind rather than to allow him to still have the ability to reach you.

Good luck. Believe me, you deserve so much better.... and some day you will find that guy who will prove that to you.