Am I being ghosted?

[ari.1988]

I work as a front desk clerk at a hotel. A guest that I had checked in ended up chatting with me one night and giving me his number. For about six weeks, we had been talking every single day, progressively becoming more flirtatious. He had told me he would be back in town for work and we both wanted to hang out while he was here.

Over the weeks the conversations became more sexual. I was the one who initiated it past the innocent flirting. We determined that we would be hooking up when he came to town. I went into this with an open mind, especially because this is usually out of character for me. I'm usually the kind of person that has sex with someone I'm exclusively in a relationship with, and I don't typically have casual sex. However I'm enjoying being single and found him incredibly attractive so I decided to make an exception.

During the lead up to him actually arriving, he would talk about having me visit him where he lives, about doing things together in the future, basically implying that this might be an ongoing thing. I went with it, although I wasn't sure what to expect because I know a big part of this for both of us was physical. I learned personal things about him, like the fact that he has a two year old daughter that he seemed to take very good care of. He would call me his boo, we had nicknames for each other, we would constantly send each other videos and selfies to help us get through our work days.

When the day finally came, we were both really excited. I met him at his hotel, and we started kissing. We had already discussed that we wanted to go out first before we had sex and enjoy each others company, and we had a lot of chemistry. We had a fun night out eating dinner and getting drinks, talking and walking around the city. He told me that he wasn't a one night stand kind of guy, started telling me about how respect is a priority for him above all else, even love. He said he didn't date much and hadn't had sex for awhile. He also mentioned he sucked at relationships because when it came to women he was bad at communicating, for instance he gets frustrated when women get emotional during an argument. He also said he's not very affectionate, which surprised me because I feel like he was with me usually. We went back to the hotel and were up until 4 am. The sex was amazing, he was very passionate and attentive to my needs. He gave me a rub down afterwords, and we talked before we fell asleep. He told me he was crushing on me hard, and of course said a lot of sweet things like how beautiful I was, how he was enjoying my company, etc.

We had plans to spend the next day together and he was supposed to stay another night which we also planned on spending together. When I woke up the next morning, he was already awake. I asked him how he was feeling, and he said he was upset. He apparently received a call that morning that his cousin had been shot (the man I've been talking to is black and the more I learned about him and his history it seems he's dealt with racial profiling, his family and specifically his brother has been mixed up in drug dealing, he told me some disturbing things about favors he's done for said brother, etc) and that his cousin was recovering in the hospital. I didn't know what to say except that I was sorry and hoped he would pull through. Then he said he didn't want it to ruin our day and we started getting ready to leave. After I got out of the shower he told me he had to take a phone call. He stepped out for awhile and when he came back he said he had to go back home that night and was catching a flight later. He explained that the mother of his child was watching their daughter and that there was a car parked outside of their house that didn't belong there. He suspected it was either someone he knew or someone that was there looking for him and that they were trouble, and he had to go home to take care of the situation and get his daughter. The flight wasn't until that evening and he said he still wanted to spend the day together until he had to leave.

We went to get lunch and hang out around the beach. There was a lot going through my head because I know how all of that sounds, and I didn't really know what to think of what was going on. Of course my first thoughts were that he got what he wanted from me and so he's leaving asap. Then again I didn't understand why he still wanted to spend the day together if he was so eager to go. We had a great time, even though I knew he was stressed out about what was going on at home. But he opened up a lot more to me about things I wasn't expecting to hear from him. He was also very touchy feely the whole day, holding my hand, putting his hands on my waist, always moving me away from the street side when we walked on the sidewalk, etc. He acted engaged and interested in what I was saying, we were laughing, being very lovey dovey with each other. We went back to the hotel to grab our things and get his rental car. As we were leaving we talked more about the things we were going to do together when he was back in town and the idea of me visiting his home. He asked if I was going to miss him and he said he would miss me. I joked that he would forget about me and his response was that I was hard to forget and he wouldn't. As he was getting his luggage in the car he said that with everything going on it was going to be a very busy weekend for him and that I wouldn't be hearing from him as much as usual but that he would talk to me soon. I asked him to at least let me know once he landed. We kissed goodbye and gave each other a long hug.

He let me know when he landed that night, and I said to keep me posted. I didn't hear back from him and so I said good night as I went to bed. This was Thursday night. It's about to be Monday and I haven't heard a word from him since. I was under the impression I would still hear from him, just not all day like we usually talk. And now I'm guessing that he's "ghosting" me. I know with all of the stuff that happened during his time here it seems obvious that he was just bullshitting me. However I just don't understand how we could talk to each other every day for six weeks, how he could say all of those things about wanting to continue to see me when I never even initiated that was what I wanted, and not to mention that I had told him I was open to whatever this was so it's not like he had to convince me to have sex with him. I just don't understand why he would act that way if he wasn't genuinely interested in continuing whatever we have going on. He could have been straight up with me if this was just a one night stand, I certainly never implied that that wasn't what I thought this was in the first place, and I never did anything to indicate that I initially wanted anything more with him. However I have become used to talking to him everyday and I do like him and wanted to see where this could possibly go. I'm sure I sound like a fool and I'm being naive but I'm hoping now that the weekend is over he'll hit me up at some point tomorrow. And if he doesn't I'm debating if I should shoot him a text just asking him if everything is okay or just not bother and move on? Is it obvious that everything he said is a lie or is it possibly that he is genuinely busy and focused on taking care of everything at home? I'm not a girlfriend obviously and know that I am not a priority. I'm just kind of baffled at this point and a little disappointed that it's going to end this way when I thought we had a connection. Men, have you ever done something like this before? Is it unlikely that I'll hear from him again?

[nr13]

I don't think that I will help with this post, but my first reaction was... long post..wont read..but then I started reading... and I kind of started to identify him with so many things I did on the past... I would love that you figured out why he did that because maybe that would help me figure out why I many times did that..

Not in the exact same way of course, but I have approached people I meet, I like, I genuinely talked to them, connected just like you describe, I made tons of plans many of them started by me, the other person does not force me to them...and I tend to plan quite ahead in the very beggining, and then...many times I just move away from every single thing I said a few days before. I sometimes went from texting every 5 minutes every day on the last week to one short text once every day...

I don't know if he is doing the exact same thing I did, but when that happened I usually had some "excuse" to stop giving news...It could be I was sick...or that I had to work, and every excuse had some part of truth...but my wish to build distance grabs the little truth in that excuse and makes it a gigantic excuse justifying days without a single text...and deep down I know that even though I was busy I should be able if I really wanted to just send a few texts...

What I can tell you is that (in the situations I lived):
1 - I really meant every single thing I said and every plan I made with every little piece of my heart;
2 - I don't make a consicous decision to build distance, but I seem to need my independence and so I move torwards that distance;
3 - I seem very independent and that this distance isn't affecting me, but that is not true, it always does...and even if it seems wrong and illogical I still do it
4 - I do in fact know that it is not the right thing to do, and that my actions are confusing you, and not helping in any way, and that just makes me feel bad because I know "you" are feeling bad because of me; But most of the time, my brain blocks that thought and I kind of live with it.

Hope you can understand what he is doing, and that every thing turns out ok for both of you. I wish you the best of luck.

[ari.1988]

nr13 thank you for the response, I know this is a super long post. I actually never heard back from this guy. I sent him one text just to ask how he was and I also said if he didn't plan on talking to me anymore to just be straight up. Anyways by now I've realized that's all it was, I just don't like that he lead me on and made me feel like he cared. I realize that I simply won't understand his actions but that's okay. I went in knowing this was a risk. Thanks again for the explaination and honesty.

[nr13]

nr13 thank you for the response, I know this is a super long post. I actually never heard back from this guy. I sent him one text just to ask how he was and I also said if he didn't plan on talking to me anymore to just be straight up. Anyways by now I've realized that's all it was, I just don't like that he lead me on and made me feel like he cared. I realize that I simply won't understand his actions but that's okay. I went in knowing this was a risk. Thanks again for the explanation and honesty.

I'm sorry for that not having worked out for you both. Just keep your focus in you, and even though everything you went through with him makes it seam like he was always playing you, keep at least a very small part of your mind open to knowing that he probably feels quiet confused about his behaviour, and that he trully believes he was being honest with you..even though...we all know that if he was trully honest with all the plans he made..he wouldn't just stop talking... but... he also knows that, and he doesnt also like what he did..but.. he really means no harm to you.

Hope I could somehow help. Wish you the best.