Verbal affection, how to address the issue

[mjo102]

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 months now, and, generally speaking, it's going really well. He treats me with respect, we have fun together, I feel like I can be myself, I feel like I can talk to him about anything, I trust him. And so on.

My only real concern is that he doesn't really express his affection toward me.

Emotionally speaking, he is generally pretty open; he doesn't have a problem with being vulnerable. He does, however, cringe at the thought of romance or any expression of affection that is too sincere/serious. In the first month or two of our relationship he would very sweetly tell me how much he liked me from time to time. He has said before that showing someone you care about them is more important to him than just saying it, and I understand that it's natural for the initial excitement to wear off and everything, but I feel like expressions of affection shouldn't end completely. I've said that to him since then but the most I got in response was "aww" or that I was "being cute." Since then there have been times when he has said that I'm special to him, or that it's special that we found each other, but both times were after talking about how I'm not necessarily special (and that he's not special, and that no one really is special, I have no problem with this). And the other day we were walking somewhere and fireworks started going off and I joked about it being romantic and he started saying how he hated romance and that he liked me and that he shouldn't and how empty romantic gestures are meaningless.

Two things struck me about that conversation. The first was how he matter-of-factly just said "I like you", and I found it hard to assume his feelings for me were much deeper. And the second was the realisation that it was the first time in ages I heard him tell me anything about liking me, and that I could probably count on my fingers the number of times he had in total.

It's not that I don't think he doesn't care about me more deeply than that, it's just that I've realised that I don't actually know it. And I think after 9 months that wouldn't be too much to ask.

We haven't said "I love you" to each other. I definitely do love him and have wanted to tell him for a few months now, I just always chicken out because I'm not confident he'll say it back, which would've been fine at one point, but the longer we're together, the more heart-breaking it would feel.

I know this is something that I need to talk to him about, I've just been struggling for a long time to figure out how to bring it up without just saying something like, "tell me how much you like me." So, advice on how to approach the issue with him?

Or maybe I'm overreacting to this and being unreasonable. Either way I know I need to talk to him, I just need to figure out how.

[TheEvilJester]

I don't think you are being unreasonable or overreacting at all. I would think 9 months is enough time that you should be comfortable with being in the "I love you" stage. I mean, I may be wrong. Maybe my timing is off..... but at the very least you should both feel pretty confident in that even if you've not said it yet. So, by the fact that you are still uncertain if he'd actually return the same feelings if you said it.... yeah, it is understandable if that would be concerning to you.

And, Hell.... Devil's advocate here..... it's really not wrong of him if he's simply not at that stage yet, or if he is just typically not a super romantic guy.....

But the thing is, it's also not wrong of you if you ARE romantic and you feel like you SHOULD be at that stage by now. So, honestly, there is entirely the possibility that you two just aren't quite the right match. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to jump to conclusions. Maybe that's not the case at all. I'm just saying, if you require somebody who is more romantic, that is not wrong. If that is unlikely to ever be him, then maybe that won't work for you. If that is the case, better to realize that now before you wait around even longer hoping things will change.

I do have to admit... this is one situation where I have to fight my gut reaction. Honestly, my gut reaction would be to scream "What the Hell is wrong with this guy? I'd KILL to be in his situation, and if I were, I'd make sure my gal knew every day how crazy I was about her." But, I'm kind of a romantic. I have to remind myself that not everybody is necessarily like that. It doesn't make him wrong if he's not.

I do think you are right that a discussion is probably needed here. Take some time, though, to think about what you want to say and what it is you want in a relationship. Most importantly, approach him with this discussion at a time when you can let yourself come into it with a level head. Don't jump into the conversation at a time when you are upset. This should just be a very matter of fact conversation, and as best as you can help it, should avoid raised emotions. Bottom line, you know what you want out of a relationship, and are just starting to have concerns he doesn't want the same thing, or even if he does, that at least the timeline in his mind does not match yours at all.

So, the point of the conversation should just be to share with him what you want, share with him what you feel, and ask him what he wants, what he feels, etc. You want to determine if you two are on the same page, or at least close enough that you think you'll get there. When it comes right down to it, I hope it doesn't have to result in you two breaking up..... but more than that, I hope you care enough about yourself to just end things if it seems unlikely he is right for you. There doesn't even have to be hard feelings. Maybe he's done nothing wrong, maybe you've done nothing wrong, but maybe you two just are not quite the right match. ....Then again, maybe you are, and discussing all of this will help you to realize you two really are not as far off as you think.

Either way, I hope this works out for you for the best... in whatever way that winds up being. Good luck to you.