Cheating Anxiety

[Itsbiffybeach24]

Hi Forum!

My very first relationship when I was 19 or so was my first love. We were together for two years and in those two years we were absolutely inseperable...I loved him so much and I thought he loved me back. Throughout our relationship I caught him 3 times texting other girls. When I would catch him he would go as far as crying and telling me that he was scared, he wanted to marry me and be with me forever (I was naïve). When it finally ended I caught him cheating for the third time and he told me that he just didn't want to be with me anymore.. turns out he jumped into a relationship (facebook official and all) a few days after he broke up with me.. oh yes and this break up was via email. We had been together for two years and he dumped me like a banana peel... I couldn't believe it. It took me years to get over the pain from that.

After going away to college and having amazing life adventures, dating around, and being comfortable and confident in myself again, I met someone that I felt those feelings all over again for. We've been together for a year next month, and we live together. It's different than it was last time, my boyfriend is very intelligent, mature, and loving... but I'm terrified he is going to cheat on me. I've even gone as far as considering leaving him before he leaves and hurts me. I would say that maybe I should be single, but I can't be single forever. I really see myself with him for a very long time. He flew me to his hometown to meet his family and friends, and his mom and I talk all the time. Of course my boyfriend and I have our fights, but a lot of the time it's from me accusing him of cheating. I honestly have no idea why I jump to this impulse. He handles it fairly well too and although it upsets him, he assures me he isn't doing anything like that. He even told me his ex tried to send him pictures of herself and he didn't respond... I just don't know how I'm going to get over this fear. Is this a legitimate phobia? Like instead of spiders I'm afraid of cheaters? Does anyone else have this issue?


Oh and BTW... after two years of no contact, my ex boyfriend tried to ask MY SISTER out for drinks... I called him one day after I found that out and told him everything that I always needed to say.. it felt GREAT. I just don't want to punish my boyfriend for something a bad ex did... any advice?

[TheEvilJester]

It certainly COULD be a phobia. Or, it could just be you got hurt by a jerk and it is taking you time to completely get over that. So, let me start off by saying this....

Your ex was a jerk. He didn't deserve you. I am so very sorry to hear this happened to you.... but there ARE good guys out there. There are guys out there who would NEVER cheat on their partner. You may very well have found one. So, for your own sake, PLEASE do not let that jerk from your past ruin your future.

Now, with that said, I don't mean to over-simplify it like it is just as simple as you saying "Okay. Cool. I'm going to trust my boyfriend now." I do understand that may be hard for you.... but in time, if he never gives you any reason to doubt him, it will start to be easier and easier for you to trust him again. Of course you are freaking out and half-expecting he'll just turn out to be the same kind of jerk. You once thought you were in love until the person you thought you loved betrayed your trust in the deepest way possible. So, he's now trained you to think that happiness cannot last.

Of course it is going to be hard to trust again after an experience like that. ....But it will be easier in time, especially if you are with somebody who can be trusted. I will say this, though... if you continue to find it too hard to trust your new boyfriend even though he has proven himself very trustworthy.... please don't hesitate to seek out counseling. Too often people avoid that because they seem to have this stigma about it. It is NOT a sign of weakness to accept help when you need it. In fact, it shows great strength even just to be able to admit you have a problem.

If you can't seem to get through it on your own, there are trained professionals (therapists, psychologists, etc.) you could possibly work with who could help you get there so much faster. So, if you think that is something yo:u. You DO deserve somebody who will appreciate you the way you deserve. Being able to believe that is the first step. You DO NOT deserve to be treated the way your ex treated you. You will find the right guy some day... and that may even be the guy you are with now. So, don't let your past ruin the chance for that.

[Itsbiffybeach24]

It certainly COULD be a phobia. Or, it could just be you got hurt by a jerk and it is taking you time to completely get over that. So, let me start off by saying this....

Your ex was a jerk. He didn't deserve you. I am so very sorry to hear this happened to you.... but there ARE good guys out there. There are guys out there who would NEVER cheat on their partner. You may very well have found one. So, for your own sake, PLEASE do not let that jerk from your past ruin your future.

Now, with that said, I don't mean to over-simplify it like it is just as simple as you saying "Okay. Cool. I'm going to trust my boyfriend now." I do understand that may be hard for you.... but in time, if he never gives you any reason to doubt him, it will start to be easier and easier for you to trust him again. Of course you are freaking out and half-expecting he'll just turn out to be the same kind of jerk. You once thought you were in love until the person you thought you loved betrayed your trust in the deepest way possible. So, he's now trained you to think that happiness cannot last.

Of course it is going to be hard to trust again after an experience like that. ....But it will be easier in time, especially if you are with somebody who can be trusted. I will say this, though... if you continue to find it too hard to trust your new boyfriend even though he has proven himself very trustworthy.... please don't hesitate to seek out counseling. Too often people avoid that because they seem to have this stigma about it. It is NOT a sign of weakness to accept help when you need it. In fact, it shows great strength even just to be able to admit you have a problem.

If you can't seem to get through it on your own, there are trained professionals (therapists, psychologists, etc.) you could possibly work with who could help you get there so much faster. So, if you think that is something yo:u. You DO deserve somebody who will appreciate you the way you deserve. Being able to believe that is the first step. You DO NOT deserve to be treated the way your ex treated you. You will find the right guy some day... and that may even be the guy you are with now. So, don't let your past ruin the chance for that.

I REALLY appreciate this, thank you