Advice for a bad situation

[Fugnuk]

Hey there!

First off I'd like to say hello to you all as I have just started using this forum
I'm Mark, 26 from the UK.

So the question?

In October I started talking to this girl via an online dating app, which I rarely used. I just so happen to swipe a couple of times and we suddenly matched!
We started talking and found out we had a lot of interests that we both liked about each other.
Anyway, a couple of weeks down the line we started sharing things with each other, having fun online, playing video games together and trading compliments.
There is a lot more to it but I'm keeping it short, we were really getting on perfectly.

Until the middle of November, A couple of times I asked if she wanted to go out for the day to dinner. At first her replies were "That sounds great! It'll be fun" then eventually turned into "soon hopefully". Like she suddenly wasn't sure.
By now I'm worried about if I have messed up in anyway, so I narrowed down the messages, didn't talk to her as much as I did previously.

She told me a couple of days after that she loved me but wanted to be friends which... I have heard a lot in my life, so instantly I felt defeated. But I wasn't having any of it, I cannot let her go easily.

So I decided to hand write her a letter and buy her a gift from Denmark when I went. Within that letter I wrote that I feel a lot about her, I mentioned that I wasn't in love with her because that would sound strange, but that I was in love with the idea of her, the idea of sharing a life with her. I mentioned a couple of other things easing her into knowing that I have extremely strong feelings for her but not in a creepy way.

She found the letter cute, and loved what I bought and made her, but her reply wasn't something I had wished for.

She said that she was really attracted to me and loves having me there for her, but she cherishes my friendship and wants to keep it that way.

Now, she doesn't talk much, I feel... she may be worried about something but I cannot get enough of her time to try and ask or help.

I'm really trying my hardest to do what I can to make her feel alright and I'm losing sleep over it. I've never had a relationship in my life so I find it hard at times, especially when it comes to rejections like this where I cannot tell if it's possible to make a come back? Or to... let her go.

I appreciate you guys reading this and for any help I could get.

Thank you!

x

[Joe49]

Hey, I figured since you were kind enough to reply to me, I would see if I could offer you some advice.

I know where your at, as I have been there many times. It is truly heart breaking to tell someone how you feel about them, to find out there is something holding them back. I have seen most of my frienda go through the same thing many times.

I have found that the best way to approach it (I'm my experience) is to explain to her how your being affected by the "rejection" as it were. Then ASK her to give it a "trial" tell her for a weekend that you guys have plenty of time. And that you would like to take her on a date, show her how much you truly care, AS A BOYFRIEND.

This is where your time to shine is. But you need to be careful not to act in a way you wouldnt continue to act, after she decides.

It's important that if she says no at anytime, that you stop. You need to give her your word that you will stop if she feels uncomfortable, and you need to stop if she says anything, or she will most likely not trust you again.

And before you offer that idea, maybe tell her it's better to take a leap of faith, and jump in feet first. You 2 could have wonderful lives together, but it definitely can't happen if she won't give it a shot. Love is scary, but it's also the best thing to ever happen to people.

[Fugnuk]

I really appreciate your advice mate and I will use your wisdom when I feel the time is right.

I just don't want to bring it up yet, as I have asked her twice about it.

The first time I asked her if I stand a chance with her, her reply was "Not right now" In a nice way, I'm just writing the short version.

Third time is what I wrote in my first post.

I just fear making her avoid me which I think shes doing at the moment and it's confusing as hell.

Sometimes she'll reply really nicely, or sometimes not at all or really bluntly. You know what sucks most of all? I find it hard to concentrate on anything. Every minuet of the day it's all I'm thinking about even through training and the gym + work.

Thanks again.

[Joe49]

I understand that it's ll you can think about. I'm still dealing with my situation. I was starting to forget about it, then the guys text her again, she told me about it (which is good). But I'm not sure I believe what he said, or that she didn't respond (I know i have huge trust issues from the past, so i dont know if this is the case). but she deleted the messages right away. I wasn't snooping. I just happened to be sitting next to her, and noticed it. I haven't even brought it up. I didn't want to over react. And I don't want her to think that I was staring at her phone on purpose, because I wasnt. I'm going to talk to her tonight about it.

Love is serously the worst thing humans could have gotten from evolution, but it's also the best.

When I go to the gym (5 days a week, not that I'm actually as healthy as I want to be yet) I serously need to zone out, and put all of my thoughts into lifting. It really helps keep me centered, and not going crazy.
I hope your lady friend finds how much she is missing out on. I feel that guys that can be trusted, always get screwed over by the ones that cant. They just ruin all of the women they talk to, and we end up being hurt because of it. I wish you the BEST of luck with her. And just keep positive. I'm sure she will come around, to at least talk to you.

If you need to talk, you can message me on here I think.. I'm no expert, but I'm here to listen if you need it.

[Fugnuk]

Ah man, the best thing you can do is stay vigilant. But love sure is an emotional roller coaster and I absolutely agree, I'm not trying to play a victim or anything but thus far my luck with it has been pretty bad. Certainly not the Casanova type!

I used to get right in the zone with lifting too! It's therapeutic to me at times but it's just recently it messes with me. When training Muay Thai that's the only thing that can keep it all at bay momentarily.
But same here in regards to health, I'm still smoking about 28 a day which I know is absolutely terrible, addiction is an absolute pain in the arse BUT... at least I'm not eating disgusting food as much as I used to. That's the only thing holding me back from progressing further with fighting and more weight when lifting.

Thanks man, it means a lot. It's a pleasure to come across someone who understands. It's better than telling most of my IRL friends as I normally get the "Haha you've been friendzoned bitch". I personally hate that term, it's a defeatist attitude in my opinion.

Whats tricky is, shes very shy. It took her about a week to talk to me on discord for the first time haha. But when it comes to having serious conversations when talking live to each other I can tell she gets very uncomfortable because of her anxiety, I just back off and leave it for when we're on messenger or something.

But thanks again, I'll need the luck! I don't want to give up so easily.