Depressed Girl, Insecure me

[weegee]

A few months ago i met a girl that had depression and anxiety, an extremely low self-esteem and not very good social skills. To sum it all up, i've never, EVER been so deep into someone's life as i am with this girl right now. We talked about everything, she trusts me, I trust her. I help her with her things, she helps me with my things. I feel like i am actually making a difference for someone, and it feels good. Ridiculously good. I've been through many of her current insecurities and just being there to listen, to give advice, to hear her saying she did what i suggested and it worked, is just one of the most satisfying things in the world, like a huge payoff to what i've been through in life this far.

The thing is that... I developed feelings for her. Really strong ones, and at some point she did too, but i did not notice, i could only get a few hints but i wasn't confident enough to risk all of this. I thought i could lose it all if I were mistaken about this again, i could make her think this was all just to date her (100% of all the times i've been here my frustration was about being absolutely sure the girls liked me, now its the opposite), i was too cynical, i ended up deciding to wait. And I waited. Waited for a sign or action on her part that would make me be ABSOLUTELY SURE of it...

By the time she admitted she used to like me it was already too late.

Today she is dating another guy, and they are doing extremely well . I cannot accept this. I got so close. I've worked so hard. I've gotten so deep, never met anyone like her... for this. Its like winning the lottery, not knowing you won the lottery, and once you find out someone already got your prize.

They are so f***ing happy together. I can't stand it. I just can't. She is going out on all places with, she met his parents, she is having her first 'experiences' with him. Its too much. I can't compete with him. We live 200km apart, they are from the same school, he was there to comfort her when i couldn't be. He is tall, deep voice, green eyes, has an awesome youtube channel, knows what he is doing.

I am an 18 year old who has never even held hands with a girl before, and there they are having their first 'experiences'. How can i f***ing compete with that? Just how? My advice, my support, my music, its just not enough. It was enough for a while, but in the end of the day i lost this war because i didn't have experience, or confidence in myself in this regard. I am so sh** with relationships till this day, and i've been trying to improve, for years.

What is worse, i can't just get out of this situation. Her depression and anxiety are highly centered around athazagoraphobia (for quick reference: the fear of being forgotten, left alone, abandoned), and its not like she forgot about me either. We still talk every day. She knows i feel bad, and she does what she can. Most girls just leave you, they 'play the game', this is not the case.
In fact, i try to avoid this topic with her as much as possible because i know it plays with her low self-esteem. I am really happy that she is not like other women, but its just not enough. It feels horrible no matter how hard she tries to make me feel better. I don't know what to do.

I've tried going out with other girls, girls i barely cared about, and i felt nauseous about it. Using other people to try to escape it just didn't work and made me feel guilty. Drinking worked only to get it out of my head for a feel hours but then it just comes back.

I am stumped. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything. I am regretting it all. I don't know what to do at this point. There is fire in the room and the exits are jammed.

Please
Help me.

[NicoleWilliams]

Hi, Weegee. I am new here, too, and you’re the first post I read here!

I am so sorry to hear what you’ve been through, and I can understand the feelings you expressed. It’s definitely not easy to deal with such emotions. I think it would be a good idea if you can seek help from your family, especially, you parents if possible. I am sure they are the best ones to help you deal with this situation. If they’re aren’t available, try discussing it with a trusted friend or an adult. These people will have some valuable advice to share and be there with you in person when you need them. I really hope you will find a solution to your situation. Hugs!