American dating - I don't get it (pls explain)

[cultureclash]

Hi -

So I've been seeing that guy. We both live in Europe - he is American (NY), I am European. We went out a couple of times (and yes, there have been two overnight stays), I met some of his friends last time and I think all went good. I really like him a lot.

Now, after 5 times meeting the following happened: There were short texts almost every day, almost always with a smiley on his side and also compliments. I asked today if he wanted to meet this weekend and he said that he'd decided to go to Italy to meet friends spontaneously (he's half Italian and goes there several times per year) along with the sentence: "Let's catch up next week." If a European guy wrote me this, I'd understand it as an impolite way of telling me he doesn't want to see me again.

Is that the same for Americans?

Edit: I texted him that I like him. He responded he'd like me too and "let's talk about it next week".
I have the feeling that's it. And that's what I don't like about it. When a text actually sounds positive but still makes you feel it is not. European's are easier to read I must say. They're just straight forward, no games. Seriously having trouble with that.

[Markdg61]

I'm an American male, one that doesn't like games either. I was in a series relationship with a woman that played me like a game of chess and of course I lost. Needless to say, it ripped my heart out..

It seems as if he is not on the same level as you and maybe he just wants to take it slow. Give it some time and see where things go. Have a heart to heart talk with him the next time you're together.

[cultureclash]

I'm an American male, one that doesn't like games either. I was in a series relationship with a woman that played me like a game of chess and of course I lost. Needless to say, it ripped my heart out..

It seems as if he is not on the same level as you and maybe he just wants to take it slow. Give it some time and see where things go. Have a heart to heart talk with him the next time you're together.

So I told him I'd go out this week and asked him to join. He said he'll go out of town this weekend again. I texted him: " ;-) I enjoyed our time and would've liked to get to know u better. Not really happening, though. Have a good weekend :-)"

His reply: "C'mon don't be like that. We'll have time to see each other. I like your company and want to see you again, so don't write it was the last time!

Since then we've been texting, but I won't see him this weekend and the next one neither since we are both going home for Christmas. I mean, we are both in our 30ies and I do get we both have our lives and therefore it is normal to take it slower than in your 20ies. But my past experience is that it is usually very obvious when a guy likes you as he will always try to find a time to meet-up. Am I to pushy?

[Markdg61]

It sounds as if he doesn't want to get to serious, right now at the least. I agree with you about really liking a woman. My self, if I really liked a woman, I would let her know how I feel and how much I enjoy spending time together. In your case, it's hard to say, maybe give it some time and see where it goes. Good luck

[cultureclash]

Thanks, guys. I agree. Needed the reality check. I'll just stop spending energy on him.

[Markdg61]

Good for you and don't be turned off by American guys, we're not all that bad. Haha!

[melancholia]

I don't know where you are getting the idea he's playing games. You said you've only met 5 times, with two sleep overs during that time. He said he was away in Italy and that he would be coming back and that he'd have time to get together then. In my experience, when a guy is not interested in seeing you, he will avoid talking about future plans to get together. Yes, it might seem like he is dodging plans when he said "let's talk next week", but when you came back with the comment about not seeing each other again, he made attempts to be clear that he still was interested in seeing you again. When he returns, try making plans with him again. If he comes up with another excuse, or falls off your radar, then you can stop wasting your time.

[cultureclash]

Well, usually when guys like me I get much more attention. They'd text more often and/or call in between, they'd always secure the next meet up with an actual date - days ahead- to make sure we meet soon and they'll initiate it (US guy was out of town only for the weekends - -not the entire week, yet no meeting during the week)... they make me feel like I am princess even though I am really not 😉😉😂😂
Also they tend to tell me with whom they are with when they go out/away without me (which I am seriously not asking for). I think it's because they want me to know that they're not seeing others... .. just some indicators..

Just right now as an example I have a guy at work who has interest and makes a lot of effort trying to go out with me, suggesting plans, bringing me coffee all the time, asks me how my day is going.. And a guy that I know from university (back then we both were in relationships) who I always thought was out of my league but has been trying to go out with me since I am back from the US. He too made a real effort to meet-up and came up with an awesome plan. In Europe, you don't see several people at a time, you focus on one person that you really want to get to know, you make time for that person and eventually you end up in a relationship or not. But it is kind of exclusive from the first/second date on, so I never met him until this weekend when to me it seemed clear that the US guy is not interested.

Guys here make very clear that they want you and only you. Or if they were just looking for fun with you, they'd make that clear (and actually say it) as well. (Of course we have assholes too ;-) So maybe it's just that US-guy's behavior (concept of dating) that I am not used to. But at this point, after 2.5 weeks not meeting and only a text ever other day during that time, to me it seems he simply doesn't really care. It feels like I am just an option he wants to keep for now.

[melancholia]

I don't think it makes someone a jerk or asshole if they prefer to date more casually to begin with. These days, people prefer to meet (and date) several people at a time during the beginning to get to know different people and see whom they can build a deeper connection with. I don't see anything wrong with that. Having said that, I understand where you're coming from. I think you can chalk this up to this American guy simply not being right for you. Clearly you have different ideas about dating and it's not meshing well for you. He clearly thinks it's fine and dandy, and you don't -- there's nothing wrong with that. In my experience, if you have to shake the head of the person you're dating to make them see that you're worth it, then you will never be worth it to them. At least not in the way you should be.

I like to be showered with a lot of attention, too; so I get where you're coming from on that aspect as well. I think you should stop seeing this particular guy and move on. You have plenty of opportunities to meet different men who have a dating methodology more aligned to yours. In fact, why not pursue the men who have clearly shown interest in you? You don't have to date both of them (or either of them for that matter); but maybe turn your focus toward people who put their energy into you. It's a lot more rewarding to spend your energy on someone who gives you the same level of energy back.

[cultureclash]

All well said and agreed upon :-) Thanks.

[richiro]

you are getting bad advice here. i saw nothing that said he is playing games. Certainly yo don't feel like after 5 dates his entire life should be centered around you and he should give up his entire life and friends that he's built for all his life until the last few weeks he's met you do you? certainly you woudn't take too kindly if some guy you dated 5X asked you to stop vacationing with friends and goin gout with friends b/c it means your'e not interested in him anymore do you?

this is still way too new. there should be NO expectations that either person be giving up their entire other lives for the other at this point. your'e not engaged. your'e not married. besides, the best and healthiest relationships MAKE ROOM FOR individualism and "personal time" away from each other.

your expectations are mis-aligned and you're assking for a new date (not even a boyfriend" to act like a "husband". that's not healthy. nor should he be making you act like his "wife" whatever that means in your country. right?

dial it back. have fun. enjoy the times you do have and let it develop, blossom, learn more about eac hother. enjoy each other. as time goes on, as i thsoud, you'll be incorporated more and more into his life as i'm sure you would inciorporate him more into your life little by little. until at some point .. you'll be invited to those trips and included and he'll plan some wit you as well.

but it woudl be crazy and ridiculous to expect at this pont.. that you come before his friends an that he be planning trips with you instead of his friends so early...