I think my S/O suffers from depression but doesn't want to do anything about it

[lm0905]

Main reason why I think he suffers from some type of depression, even if it's mild, is that there will be one or two weeks a month where he'll just shut down, not do anything for himself, and just in general more down and sad. I'll ask him what is wrong, and he just says that he is in a weird mood but he's just going to get through this. I wouldn't think much of this if this happened once or twice, but this is every month for days on end.

It is starting to worry me, so when I saw him today after not seeing him for a few days, I noticed that he was in one of these moods. I tried talking to him about it and said that I think it would be a good idea for him to go see a therapist or a psychiatrist because it might help him.

He said that he has thought about it, but it's 1. too expensive, 2. he doesn't want to be medicated, and 3. If he asks anybody for recommendations for a "good" therapist, they'll know that something is wrong and he doesn't want people to ask questions.

My brother and father both suffer from depression, so I know how it can be debilitating. I would never force S/O to go to therapy, but I also want to support him so he knows he's not alone.

How can I support my S/O without making him feel like I am forcing him to go to therapy?

[TheEvilJester]

Well, I think first off you can do so by not forcing him to go. Don't get me wrong, I'm not meaning to imply that you are forcing him. It sounds to me like you are a great girlfriend and that you only care because you want him to be happy. So, I get it isn't your intention to force him to go. My point is, you want to present it to him and leave the decision up to him. If he feels like you are forcing it on him, that may just result in him resenting you for it, even though you really only meant the best for him.

Also, not to mention that frankly you shouldn't HAVE TO force somebody to take care of themselves in the first place. If it gets to the point where his depression is really becoming a problem (for him, for you, for other loved ones) then he needs to do something about it. He needs to for him and for those who care about him. If he won't do that without you basically forcing him, then that becomes the time to seriously consider whether or not that is something you can live with. Believe me, I don't mean that to sound heartless. Sometimes there just comes a time where you have to realize if somebody refuses to do anything to help themselves that there is nothing you can do and you are better off not letting them drag you down with them.

Hopefully it doesn't have to come to that, though. I just say that because I hope you care enough about yourself to do what is best for you even if it turns out to be a very difficult thing. However, let's not jump to that conclusion yet. So, how can you support him without it feeling like you are trying to force him to seek help? Well, you can do so by frankly just being honest with him. Something like this.... but obviously put it in your own words:

"Look, I definitely understand your reluctance to see a therapist. It can sometimes be frustrating seeking professional help. It can take time to find the right therapist for you. Frankly, if a therapist just wants to throw medication at you and not really help, then they aren't the right therapist for you. But, there are good ones out there and they could really help you learn how to put an end to this. I care about you a lot. It hurts me seeing you hurt like this. I want you to be able to be happy. For you, for me, for everybody who cares about you. You don't deserve to go through this, so why just accept it when maybe there is something you could do to get through it?"

Basically, you want to make it clear that it is his decision to make, that you're not trying to pressure him into anything. But you also want to make it clear that you care about him, and this comes out of a place of caring. You're not selfishly just asking him to shape the Hell up. Yes, you're asking in part because his bad moods negatively effect you.... but your asking him to get help also because you care about him and want him to be happy.

Sometimes people just don't want to hear it no matter what you say, though. I hope he will be willing to get help because nobody deserves to suffer through that. I've battled it my whole life, so I know how much it sucks. Best of luck. I hope he can get through this, as much for your sake as for his.