I have anxiety when it comes to my relationship?

[Lovelife2017]

I have only been in one serious relationship that ended w/me being more in love w/him then he was w/me. I guess that's where a lot of anxiety resides w/me when it comes to starting over w/other guys. My bf and I are in long distance relationship, I find myself over analyzing almost everything. Before I met my bf, I dated a guy who ended up ghosting after reassuring me that everything was totally fine, I had a gut feeling then that something was totally off. My anxiety got the worst of me when my bf left after coming to visit for almost 2 weeks. This trip was eye opening for both us as we started discussing serious stuff (we have exclusive for a couple months). We have a slight age difference and he is a lot stable then I am in life. He is just starting to figure what he wants to do and although I need schooling I am already working a professional job. The problem is that he won't be able to make more visits as money is very tight for him and he doesn't want me to be the only one visiting and spending money. He feels like the relationship will be one sided. For me I don't mind travelling to see him as long as he is there for me. We are both in love and we have discussed closing the distance. He never expected to find someone like me (we met on a dating site) and he didn't think he would fall in love.

I flat out asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no. My worst fear was him going home then ghosting me. I haven't felt like this for anyone since my ex and I am afraid of losing him. Its not him cheating that freaks me out, its lack of interest that really scares me. He is there for me and listens if I'm feeling down and he doesn't judge. Why do I have such a fear of abandonment?

[melancholia]

Have you told him about your anxieties and about your fear of abandonment and that you're worried he will ghost on you? I bet if you bring it up to him and let him know what your fears are, that he will be able to reassure you that he wants this to work. Sometimes we carry anxiety from a previous relationship or experience, into the next one, and that can cause problems for us down the line. Your best bet is to communicate your fears to your BF so he is aware of them and then he can help reassure you that he wants to be with you, and you can feel a bit better about it.

[TheEvilJester]

The first time you felt like you were truly in love, that ended because the guy wasn't as in love. Since then, you've had a new relationship where the guy pulled the ultimate a-hole move, telling you everything is okay, and then just silently disappearing. I think the more valid question would be how could you possibly NOT have come out of that with a fear of abandonment?

So, please don't beat yourself up too much. You most certainly did NOT deserve to be treated the way these guys in your past treated you. It is understandable you have problems with trust after all that..... but you shouldn't have to be that way. You don't deserve to just have to suffer through that and just become constantly paranoid that your guys will always lose interest and leave you. Now, part of that is going to have to come from you. You need to realize that a good person wouldn't just fade away on you. That sometimes relationships last, and sometimes they don't.... and that is really okay. That is life. But what isn't okay is the way the guys of your past have handled that.

Part of that, though, is also going to have to come from the guy you are dating. He needs to be able to demonstrate for you that he is not like that. Not by saying it, but by proving it in his actions. Whether that winds up being this guy, or has to wind up being somebody else down the road. Now, maybe this guy actually is being 100% honest with you. That is certainly possible. It makes sense it is harder for you to tell that now because of what's happened to you in the past.

The bottom line, though, is whether his intentions are noble or not, you both owe it to yourselves to make a decision and either let go, or decide to give it a real try. So, he can't leave you in limbo with the uncertainty of he kinda wants to be with you but he kinda doesn't/can't. So, as melancholia says, just talk to him about it. I would most definitely NOT suggest you do that in an ultimatum sort of way like "Either decide or I'm leaving." The truth is, if he actually IS being completely honest with you, then he's not really done anything wrong. If he's being 100% honest with you, then he DOES like you, but just has concerns that the situation just isn't right/won't work.

And, honestly, that is certainly understandable if he feels that way. But, it sounds like that uncertainty just won't work for you, and that is understandable as well. So, he needs to know how you feel, and why you have trouble accepting a situation like that. I'd say, though, tell him that you don't say that to pressure him into anything, that you understand if the distance doesn't work for him right now. But, you tell him simply because you've been hurt by it in the past and can't just wait around for somebody. That if you two are going to stay together, you'll have to try to make it work however it can. That if he thinks you two should just end it, that is okay, but then he should just be honest and let you two go your separate ways.

You never known. Fate may see fit to change things down the road and you two will be able to find each other again when the situation is better. I just don't recommend waiting around and putting your life on hold for something that may never happen. Good luck to you. I hope it works out for the best. I also very much hope that you meet the guy who will prove to you through his actions that you never have to fear being abandoned again.... whether that winds up being this guy or whether it winds up being somebody else.