Keep struggling or keep moving on? A simply complicated mess.

[Bazarbi]

Does my ex-boyfriend of 11+ yrs deserve another chance? He says he can work on things and has been showing improvement, but only after I decided to leave him. His past behavior makes me feel that he will improve temporarily only to return to his same ways after I'm back in the relationship 100%. He swears he has never hurt so bad and learned and will do his best to improve with me. I am finding it difficult to trust him on that.
Although, getting back together with him would significantly make certain aspects in my life much more simple.. ~~is it wrong to want that stability in my life more than I can trust in him to be able to start treating me how I like to be treated?
Now here's the catch, four months ago I unintentionally met someone who we instantly clicked and have been dating since..we get along so well, we share things between us already that I hoped my ex could have shared with me in 11+ yrs. Such as, communication, trust, being very sweet and kind, excepting and understanding of me. On the other hand there are other things that conflict me being able to start a new life with my new boyfriend, one being I need to find a new job, as my current work is too far to travel. My new boyfriend has been encouraging me to move in and let me float until I can find a job near his place..I'm really not comfortable not having a job all in hopes I will find one.
All of this has happened at a bad time in my life as far as I don't have any where else to live at the moment, as I lost my place of 12 yrs, in May last year. So I have basically been living between my ex-boyfriend and new boyfriend's places, all my stuff is at my ex-boyfriend where my job is near by and have been establishing life for over a decade..I really feel happier and just want to dedicate and commit to the new relationship. Just to be clear on things I have been honest to both of them of the situation, and I keep 100% loyal to my new boyfriend. Things can't go on much longer like this...it's not fair to anyone. I feel torn in many ways as I'm emotionally attached to them both..ugh. ~~Am I being sane or blinded by new love to even consider jumping into the unknown? ~~isn't 11yrs struggling enough chances? Advice would be great!

[TheEvilJester]

Well, I'll start off by saying this...

Don't stay/go back with somebody just because it is more convenient to your life/lifestyle. In other words, you mention a lot of things would be SIMPLER if you went back to your ex.... but that's no reason to be with somebody because those sort of things are temporary problems. Maybe it would be a little more complicated to stay with your current fella and that stability in life you crave would take a little longer to build.... but you eventually would.

Whereas, on the other hand, you are definitely right to doubt the veracity of your ex's claims to have changed. Sure, people CAN change, but they so rarely do, and it usually takes a long time. How long have you two been broken up? It also somewhat factors in as to specifically what it was that broke you two up in the first place. If it was smaller things that seems like they COULD be fixed, then maybe it is worthwhile to consider the idea. If it is big things, or things that probably won't change, then why would you even bother?

You say yourself that his past behavior predicts that he probably is not going to change. So, it almost sounds like you've answered your own question right there. Don't get me wrong. I realize it isn't really THAT simple, but maybe it CAN be. Maybe it just isn't worth it risking what could be a good relationship in the guy you have now to get back with somebody you know didn't work in the past, so it is pretty likely it won't work again.

For the record, sometimes it DOES take hitting some kind of rock bottom to actually change. So, there certainly IS the possibility that him losing you was his rock bottom. That he never changed before because part of him just figured you'd always be around. So, it could be that him losing you shook him enough to realize it was time to shape the Hell up.....

BUT.... maybe even so it is just too little too late for you. He had 11 years to get it right and he didn't. Let him try this "new and improved" him on some new gal. You may be better just to move on. But, as I always say, that is my opinion. You may feel differently, and you have to do what feels right to you.

Good luck to you!

[Bebe11]

I think you have written from your heart and you have been honest. You are not married, and it doesn't sound like you have any kids, so there is nothing that is keeping you with either one. Have you considered getting a place on your own? This might help you gain a clear perspective on what you want for your future. I wish you the very best! Hang in there!

[richiro]

trust your instincts. you've been with him 11+ years. you know him.

if your instincts say he's putting on a show only to get you back - that's exactly what he does.

also.. best lesson learend.. WORDS are cheap ... anybody can say anything they want. but peopel's ACTIONS never lie. you know what his consistent actions over 11 yrs is - trust that.

Good luck...

[meloveu]

I agree with mr richiro. Words are cheap and actions speaks louder than words. Unfortunately everyone matures at different rate but 11+ years is more than enough time for someone to figure out what they want in a relationship. It's sad but but your losses. Are you going to wait another 10 years only to find out you waited for nothing?

I empathize with you because that is a lot of time invested in energy, love, hope, and faith but sometimes its best to move forward. If thinga were meant to work out, your paths will cross again on better terms. Good luck. I wish you strength and courage to find happiness whether it be with or without him.

[rjkennedy]

After thinking long on this post, I usually would say just follow your heart, but in this case it would be more of using your brain. I guess these guys know of the other. I'm surprised they haven't tried to kill each other by now. On one hand, after an 11+ year relationship and your current job conveniently located, you're putting up with a guy clearly cheating, and only promises to due right when you threaten to walk.

Then on the other hand, later you meet 'prince charming'. A guy that sounds like every girls dream, treat you with respect and even offers you a place to stay. But as you stated, being an independent woman, you don't want to be jobless just to have a decent place to stay. Bouncing between both guys places isn't helping the situation.

Yes, you do have a big mess on your hands, but then again it's all on you. You have to weigh the pros and cons. Your happiness verses your sanity. Which do you choose? Good luck to you.

[richiro]

its only a mess if you make it a mess.
if it were me.. i would see it as, "this one is easy.. it's time to go" and have complete peace of mind leaving.

Why?

Because it's a very easy call when i ask myself, "i've already put 11+ years into it and look what i've gotten out of it thus far and where i am... is my life better today than 11 yrs ago with this person? do i want those same kinds of results for another 10 yrs or more?" Absolutely not. I realize its hard to risk it, and the harder path. But I myself believe risking it and trying something else is less risky and painful that knowingly subjecting myself to a lifetime of .. well.. what you have gotten to today.

"The real fools are the ones that keep doing the same thing over and over..... yet expect a different result." don't be a fool. If you want a different result.. you MUST do something different.
"Get busy dying... or get busy living..."
Words to live by.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with what everybody else has added as well. And, again, I'll reiterate.... even if he suddenly HAS finally changed.... after 11 years there is still a pretty strong argument for maybe it is just too late for him to change for you. That's great if he's changed for the better.... but when it took him that long to do it, and he even lost you in the process, maybe it is better for you to just move on and find somebody else. Let somebody else worry about whether or not this new and improved him is actually real/will last. But, again, that is just my take on the matter. At the end of the day, you need to do whatever feels right for you.

[pcmaster]

Agree......

[meloveu]

It's easy to give advice than to take our own advice. No one knows your relationship best then you. When you are truely ready to move on, you will know.

[richiro]

It's easy to give advice than to take our own advice. No one knows your relationship best then you. When you are truely ready to move on, you will know.

I agree wit this as well.. but with a caveat. We have to assess ourselves and know if we're being emotional, or cerebral. The wrong time to decide and act upon things is when we're EMOTIONAL. And that is the situation here.
This is why you have to adopt sensible and reasonable rules or actions you will follow UNTIL the emotion dies down and you can think clearly and cerebrally to make the right decision.

And yes.. i absolutely take this advice myself. it's not easy - but once you undestand this and acknowledge REALITY vs what your'e feeling - it's not that hard.