How should a man respond to an "am I fat" question?

[Rubyrose.83]

I asked my bf this question. Stupid, I know. I was feeling a little bloated & grumpy. Now I'm very upset & regret asking. He said "No you're not fat. You're not supermodel thin but you're not fat. You're voluptuous & curvy". Ugh!! I know I'm not skinny. I'm good with my size, not everyone wants to be a twig. But voluptuous? Curvy? Why not just leave it at "no". By adding extra descriptors I feel like he was saying "No... But yeah". Wasn't this a horrible response? He thinks I'm fat, doesn't he?

[kerriedrum95]

Don't think too much into. He's a man, and men hate being asked that question. You said yourself that you know you're not a twig, so he's not going to lie and say that you are. Being called "voluptuous" and "curvy" are compliments. They're sexy adjectives and I'd be delighted hearing someone call me them.
Listen girl, embrace your curves, because you're hot and your bf wouldn't be with you if you weren't!

[TheEvilJester]

Didn't you ask about this already? We already told you, no, he was not calling you fat. Now that you've shared further details about exactly how he worded it, I think even more so he was NOT calling you fat. He gave you a very honest and, from the sound of it, loving answer. For the record, what he described is something I personally find very attractive in a woman. In other words, I've always felt that overly idealized image of a stick thin supermodel look is so overrated.

Now, okay, so you are probably right that he should have just left it at "no." Or "No, you are perfect as far as I'm concerned" or something like that. BUT, I think you are reading too much into it. In no way to I mean to imply that you are being unreasonable. Believe me, I understand how you feel. So, I'm not blaming you at all. I am just saying I think you are definitely taking this very differently from how he meant it. I think, in his own way, he was telling you how you are perfect in his eyes.

We guys can be idiots sometimes. We think overly logically when you maybe where just looking for a sincere "no, you're not fat."

[melancholia]

Never, ever ask a question you don't want to hear the answer to. Honestly, what was the point of asking? Were you hoping he would say something to reinforce your self-esteem? Because if you were, you should have told him you were feeling insecure and needed a confidence boost. Men (generally) don't want to hurt their partner's feelings, but they also want to be honest. Men have also been conditioned over time to NEVER answer that question because it always gets them in trouble, regardless of how they answer it. If you want to ask a guy something and have them give you the specific answer you want, don't ask them in the first place. He didn't say anything off-side or rude at all, but you took it that way because you're feeling sensitive and you wanted a confidence boost.

[richiro]

if you're going to get upset with any answer - then DON'T ASK!
never put another person in this position where they can't win - that's just wrong.

just go about your stuff, be happy with yourself. if ou're not, do somethign about it and then get happy with yourself.

[Rubyrose.83]

I'm happy with me. I just want to feel like I'm with a man who's attracted to me. Is that so much to ask for?!

[melancholia]

No, it's not. But it is too much to expect someone to read your mind and tell you exactly what you want to hear. If you ask a question like that, you have to expect an honest answer. Nothing about his remarks were cruel or rude, but to you they were hurtful, or at least not what you were looking for. The problem isn't what he said, it's that you were expecting a different answer than the one he gave you, and the answer he gave you wasn't sufficient. You can talk to him about what your expectations are, and how his words made you feel, or you can get over it and take it with a grain of salt and focus on the fact that his intentions were pure. Or you can break up with him because his answers aren't good enough for you. Those are your options here.

[richiro]

if you are fine and happy with yourself, then why do you have to ask if it "makes you look fat" to find out if he's attracted"?
i think yo need ot be honest with yourself first.

it was either a sign that 1) your'e NOT happy with yourself and insecure about it, or 2) you were testing him... either way you were going to react negatively to the answer so what was the point?

there are healthier and a lot of other ways to gauge attraction and desirability from a partner.. you chose the unhealthiest least constructive version. don't do that unless our'e willint to accept the answer honestly (which by your words here.. clearly you were not).

[Rubyrose.83]

Like I said I was bloated & grumpy. I acknowledged it wasn't a great question. I'm secure but everyone has weak moments. Sounds like you guys agree though, while he wasn't rude he was nicely telling me that I'm fat?

[melancholia]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I certainly don't think he was politely, directly, or indirectly calling you fat in any way, shape, or form. You chose to interpret his answer to your question that way. You're right, everyone has weak moments, but clearly this is still bothering you a lot since you've posted about it in an online forum and you continue to assuage that his comments were rude. It's obvious you were disappointed by his remarks, but I think you need to let it go at this point.

[hunk703]

Like I said I was bloated & grumpy. I acknowledged it wasn't a great question. I'm secure but everyone has weak moments. Sounds like you guys agree though, while he wasn't rude he was nicely telling me that I'm fat?

Dear Ruby,
I think he was nice but what you can do is that go to gym and work on yourself and become best version of yourself.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I think most of us have already said very matter of fact that we don't think he was just politely calling you fat. In fact, I think he was politely telling you that you were perfect to him. In other words, not fat, but also not too skinny. You don't have to be stick thin to be "not fat." It sounds to me like he was trying to tell you that he likes you exactly how you are. Frankly, I could be wrong, but based on what he said, that is what it sounds like to me.

But, believe me, I think we can all understand those weak moments where you are just feeling insecure. So you asked him because maybe part of you wanted/needed some reassurance. I think he thought he was giving that to you, but again, sometimes we guys think too logically. He gave you a very logical answer when maybe just a much more simple answer would have been better. But, I think he meant his words to show that you are perfect the way you are in his eyes.

[richiro]

to be more direct to the question you asked.. If my gf asks if something makes her look this or that (knowing full well it's a lose lose situation).. what i do now is deflect and answer a differnt questino sneakilly to avoid this qusetion...
i will say, "i think you're adorable" or "i wouldn't change anything about you" to "i think you're tushy is cute and ove it the way it is"...

now it could in fact be that what she's wearing makes her look "more fat" than she really is...
or maybe the truth is she may be a bit heavyset...

but that doesn't change the fact that i am attracted to her or wouldn't change a thing on her or find her tushy attractive... so... to answer your question.. this is how i would handle it. AVOID answering the question by answering a different question (sincerely) and let her know i adore her, love her, am attarcted to her, or that i think she looks great (even if she may be "fat" or that particular outfit makes her look chunkier than normal).

Hope that helps. still... NEVER ASK THAT QUESTION and put anybody in that position ever again! NOT UNLESS you can handle the answer and won't complain!

[Pistach1985]

I think the boy did well with his response, but I know it can be tricky if you wanted him to say it in a different way. Sounds like he thinks a lot of you.

[topazlight]

No. He didn't say he thought you were fat, what he tried to verbalize to you was he likes the shape of your body, words he used were ones of sexual attraction to how you look. Good thing. Don't overthink it.