Too damaged to move on?

[Anonlost]

I am hoping for some impartial advice as I am struggling to see through the cloud of my own emotions. Just over 8 months ago now I found out that my boyfriend of 6 years had been cheating on me with a girl at work. I had my suspicions but I never had any concrete reason to cause a major issue and drove myself mad worrying about why his behaviour had changed towards me. I was so shocked and taken aback with the way things ended; he proved himself to be an extremely devious and cruel person which devastated me as I was entirely convinced this was the person I would be with forever. However, being the kind of person that loves to be in a relationship (I've tried the single life and it wasn't for me) I decided to pick myself up and move on. I spent a couple of months going on dates with different people but felt no spark with anyone. I assumed this was because my heart was not ready and perhaps I was forcing myself to feel something I couldn't at that stage, but then I met someone that I clicked with instantly. He was all the things that my ex wasn't: ambitious, eloquent, intelligent, kind, extremely attractive and very affectionate. We have been dating for around 6 months and, unfortunately, things have been far from smooth sailing. I have a fantastic time with him, he is great fun, really intelligent and a huge hit with my family and friends, but I also find him incredibly juvenile at times and I can find myself becoming extremely irritated with him. He is younger than me (24) but only by a couple of years, so a part of me wonders if he will grow out of it. However, I am really struggling to get to grips with this as I'm starting to forget the way I was before, both in life and in my previous relationship. I know that I have a lot of anger towards my ex that I never got the chance to get out (I never saw him again after the day I moved out), but it so hard to pin point whether my irritation towards him is just my anger coming out or whether we are not as well suited as I'd hope. We are getting to a stage whereby a decision is approaching as he is pretty much permanently living with me at my parent's house but is still paying rent on another property. I can't keep him at my parent's house so us renting a place together seems logical but I can't make myself get excited about the prospect because I'm so jaded by my recent experiences. I realise now that I probably tried to move on too quickly but now I have found him I don't want to throw it away if he could be the right person as I'm sure he would find someone else very quickly. I'm also terrified that if I spend too long with him and he is the wrong person I will end up heartbroken again, but I'm also afraid that he has so much potential and could be an amazing partner and I could be pushing him away with my criticism and general grumpiness over things that may change/improve with time. I don't want to run the risk of ruining things when this could be a temporary state of mind I am in and I don't believe I would be happier without him (although, again, this could either be a fear of being alone or a genuine want to be with him, I find it impossible to tell). I realise this is an extremely difficult scenario to give advice on as nobody knows our relationship but him and I, but I am driving myself mad worrying about what to do next and hoped someone might have some ideas or experience having come through the fog of a horrible breakup. I can't bare the thought of moving out with him and having to go through the awful process of separating the belongings and moving back in with my parents again, but I know our relationship is going to stagnate if we stay living together where we are... help!!

[pcmaster]

Do you remember your ex and then get angry? Do you always get angry when remembering this past with ex - how bad he was to you? Do these emotions and memories get stronger closer to midnight? If so then meds and counseling - therapy could help. You might have some mental illness developed from all the damage you took.

Do you have good relationship with your dad? Cause this can reflect in relationship with BF.

Anyway I suggest at least free counseling - smaritans, or listeners on 7cups.com. Also theres therapists on betterhelp.com - 2000 mental health therapists with masters and doctors degree. You could try one week free trial there.

Nobody is perfect - we all have problems, but you should find out whats exactly wrong with you and work on it.

Until then stay positive and keep away those bad scenarios from your mind. Dont give up on relationship until guy gives up on you and meanwhile work on yourself and getting over past. You dont have to do it alone. Theres a lot of volunteers, professionals and internet resources available.

[lovemenot]

I would suggest you meet up with your ex. I know it probably sounds like a horrible advice, but you can't move on if you haven't totally made your peace with the ex. You need to think about what feelings he still causes for you, and accept those feelings. And then you need to forgive him and tell him that and get total closure so you could be free from your past and wouldn't let it affect your present or your future. Because then you will at least know if that anger is caused just by your ex or if it is some more serious issue with yourself.

And then the second thing you should do in my opinion is focus and figure out if it is just the fear of being alone or the fear of losing that exact person. I had such doubts too and usually it is just the fear of being alone, though it is truly very difficult thing to admit to yourself. Ask yourself questions like: what are the exact things you are afraid of losing? is is something that him in particular does or would you be ok if someone else did that? does he have particular qualities that you don't think you could ever find in someone else? or is it just a general feeling of being with someone? could that someone be someone else? usually questions like that help me

and then lastly, don't rush into things. like moving in together or separating. if you don't feel it in your gut that it's the right thing to do to move in together, then don't do it. maybe live together at your parents a bit longer, until you figure things out...