Hi everyone.
I am writing here because I genuinely have no where to turn. I am getting to the point where I feel like life is not worth living. I am in the worst state of my life, and I have never been through anything as awful as this. I am usually not an emotional person AT ALL, everyone around me knows this. However the situation I am going through, I cannot even explain what it has done to me. I feel destroyed and I cant speak to my friends about it. I am begging you all for help...
I dated a girl on and off for about 8 months, and then for the next 4 months we became a couple (12 months in total). For the first 8 months when I was dating her, she appeared to be extremely classy, a good girl, good morals, calm, sensible and a real lady. Through out our 8 months of dating I started liking her more and more and eventually we became a couple. However, as soon as we became an item...I started learning the truth of who she really was. Its so devastating to say that, I can go on and on about all the horrible things she did but my heart physically cannot take it for me to write it all out so I will summarize it:
I found out that through out our 4 months as a couple, from the start she was cheating on me. She cheated on me with approximately 10+ guys, I honestly don't even know the real figure but this is as far as I know. She lives with her best friend, and as we live in a very small town..I found out through mutual friends that random men had been leaving their house at all hours of the nights. She would go out partying, and dance/flirt/grind on other men. She had sex with so many men during our time together. She was having sex with her ex throughout our whole relationship. This kills me to say, but she had unprotected sex with her ex one morning, and I happened to come knocking on her door to ask her out for lunch. She told me to come back later, and we also had unprotected sex. Later on that night, she had sex with her ex again. I would hear stories of how she woke up after a night out with a man in her bed fully clothed, she lied about the incident and I later found out she had been cheating on me with him for 2 months. I would find texts and messages to other men. I would have to physically gather evidence to catch her out, but despite me doing this she would lie in my face and act like I am crazy! She would lie, manipulate me in to thinking I am just being paranoid and sensitive. She even swore on a child's life and my life that she wasn't lying when she was lying.
But...what hurts me the most more than cheating (yes it gets worse), is that she would on most days lie and make up a totally fake story about how "someone" had rang her, texted her, she had found out that I am cheating/lying/my intentions with her weren't honest. She would on so many occasions put me in situations where I would have to defend myself, prove to her that I wasn't being unfaithful, prove to her that I had true intentions with her. She would make up completely fake stories of that people had been saying things to her. She would even mention names of the people who she claimed had told her that I was cheating, when the people hadn't even said a word! She made me doubt some of the closest people in my life, people who I trust 100% by claiming they were speaking about me.
She put me through absolute hell. Honestly I am balling my eyes out as I write this, and before her...I was a guy who had all the confidence of the world. I can't even remember the last time I weeped like this before this woman ruining my life. The worst thing is, her friends and family would also send me messages and texts, claiming I was "over sensitive" and "a psycho" that made her life hell because I would "falsely accuse her of cheating". All these people, they knew what she was doing behind my back!! When I would go to her house, her friend and sister would laugh in my face and say "youre just crazy, you need to relax. Gosh, you not normal". I even caught my ex and her friend once making up a false story about me cheating and when I caught them out and questioned them about it, they smirked in my face!!
I would have to defend myself and fight my corner everyday against false accusations when SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS CHEATING, LYING AND MANIPULATING!!!!!! And to remind you all, this isn't even all she has done. I nearly lost my job! I cannot function after this. I cant believe who she turned out to be, when she showed me a completely different side to herself in the beginning!? Please someone explain how it makes sense?!
I also began to see some signs of her being kind of controlling, but I am not sure. She asked me to block a girl off facebook because "she didn't like her", and she wasn't always happy when I was out with my friends and used to tell me to go home, I didnt listen. (is this a sign of controlling behavior?)
The worst thing is, and I am struggling so bad with this...Ever since I have broken up with her she has been chasing me. She emails and calls constantly. She came outside my house last week balling her eyes out, she had a panic attack. She begged and pleaded, told me how much she regrets it and how much she loves me. That she has been miserable and she cant be without me. That she has changed, that she has realized what she lost. That she has realized that what she was doing wasn't okay. She spent 2 hours just crying and crying and apologizing. And honestly, I'm starting to believe her!!!! It scares me, because I'm starting to miss her, I'm starting to make excuses for her in my head, starting to think maybe shes being honest with her apology and will never do it again.
I don't know if what I have been through is emotional abuse? I feel completely out of my mind..How is it possible for me to want to get back with someone like her? Ive developed horrible anxiety and I am a shadow of the happy confident guy I was once.
Sorry everyone for the long post, but please please I am pleading...Help me! What should I do? How should I think? I don't have anyone to talk to because its such a horrible and embarrassing situation. She has crushed me.