Relationship put on hold

[stillwaiting123]

Hello everyone. So about a few months ago I met a girl on a dating app. We chat daily and soon we started having dates (dinner, movies...etc). Everything went well and I asked her to be my girlfriend on christmas eve. She happily said yes.

Now, we've been together for a month. Meeting up once every week or 2 weeks Everything is going well. She's still a student in the medical field and I also happen to work in that field too, so I understand what she's going through. Lots of exams and pressure.

These few days she got sick so she stayed at home. This prolly made her think a bit more about stuff. She said it;s going to be a really busy year with lots of studying and exams and she may not have as much time to commit in the relationship. She doesnt think that's how a relationship should work: as in the guy commiting more while she commits less.

I told her I understand totally where she's coming from and im willing to take it. I guess it's just her who cant get past herself. She suggests putting the relationship 'on hold' and pick it back up later. In the meantime, she still wants to chat everyday about everything, meeting up occasionally. Nothing's changed apparently.

So I asked her what it means if we both go out together. Are we just normal friends or are we still going to be intimate like holding hands, hugs..etc. She said she doesnt really know.

So im kinda confused. I understand she has to fully commit to her studies now. But there's no saying when she can be 'free'. So does that mean as long as she's still studying this relationship is on hold ? What am i to do ? I really love her and I know she loves me a lot too. This is really heartbreaking

[TheEvilJester]

Well, you're not a mind reader and neither is she. It could mean "I'm not really into you, but I'm trying to let you down easy." On the other hand, it could just as easily mean "I really DO like you and don't want to screw up what could be a good thing, so I don't want to try to force this when I know I won't have the time to commit to the relationship that you deserve." In other words, it could just be her idea of letting you down easily (even though people never seem to understand that only hurts worse and over a longer period) or could very well be that she truly means exactly what she says.

So, before you even proceed I think the first thing to do is decide if you could be okay with that. Are you okay with putting things on hold for now as long as you believe she is being honest and not just trying to let you down easily? Or, do you feel like you want a relationship with somebody who can commit time to you now without you having to wait? If you don't feel like you can wait even IF she is being truthful with you, then there is nothing wrong with that. That is understandable. Then, the right thing for you two to do would be to let each other go.

On the other hand, if you feel like you COULD wait as long as you know her intention is to revisit the relationship once she isn't so busy with her studies, then maybe it is worth trying. Even so, just be sure you do have a time frame in your own mind of what you feel is reasonable for you to wait.

Once you have a good understanding in your own head of what works for you, talk to her about how you feel. That may help you to sort of gauge her reaction/responses to get some better idea of whether or not you think she sincerely does want to be with you, but just feels she doesn't have time right now. Assuming that she truly is being honest, then she's doing this because she sincerely doesn't want to hurt you and truly feels she won't have the amount of time you deserve. Her studies are definitely important. This is her career. So, if she feels she needs time to focus on that, then maybe a relationship isn't in the cards for her right now.

People often tend to say if somebody wants to make time for somebody they will.... and that IS true in most cases...... BUT this may very well be one case where she truly just actually does not feel she'll have time. At least not enough for what she feels is right for a relationship. So, this is NOT one case where I personally jump to the conclusion that "she's just not into you." HOWEVER, even so, that may still not be enough for you, and that would certainly be understandable if it is not.

So, I wish I could be of more direct help, but I think this is one of those situations where that decision really does have to come from you. I think some of us can maybe put in our two cents to help you kind of think it out, but ultimately only you know your situation. Good luck to you.

[richiro]

here is my advice. dont get too caugth up on it b/c if you demand such answers, push or pull her, that will be enough for her to want out. It's too much drama and hassle that neither of you can focus on at the moment.
So.. just follow her lead and reciprocate and mimick what she does.. let her lead. Whatever she says or suggests.. "yeah .. that sounds like a good idea" and sprinkle in now and then, "oh wow.. that sounds like a great idea.. but i can't this time.. i have a (bla bla bla exam this - lab hours that - study group this - having lunch with parents - gotta do laundry) - whatever you want to plug in there.. plug somethign in ONCE IN A WHILE to refuse her now and then.

otherwise just let her lead.. you come up with a good diea now and then and let her some back with "oh that sounds like so much fun.. can i come?"

if you keep doing that .. that should keep the pilot light going unti she's ready.
any pushing or pulling away or making her conform to what YOU want or think needs to be done - she'll likely feel pressured and like it'll be drama and not worth it to continue.

JUST ENJOY HER and have a good time
LET HER ENJOY YOU and have a good time with you.
(aka be her bf without officially being her bf... be her lover without being officially lovers... know what i mean?)

good luck!