Loneliness

[Missa3854]

This is long, so if you read it all I really appreciate the time it took you. Thank you!

Why am I feeling this way?

Back in October 2016 I got to go on a "friend" date with this girl from Spain. She was so cute being so shy and not saying anything. I was so nervous I wouldn't shut up. I could barely look at her because I was so nervous and didn't want her to see how much I truly am freaking out. So time had passed and we got to know each other more. We had some ups and downs along the way and I got hurt a bunch of times. I never told her how she hurt me, because I knew that it would hurt her back knowing that I was hurting. I didn't want to hurt her.

Things were going good with our friendship, until one night we went dancing and she kissed me. I wanted the kiss but I knew that this wasn't a good idea. There was no way that what we had was going to work. But I didn't want to listen to that voice inside my head that was telling me run, to turn away. So we started working towards a relationship, talking all the time, staying over at each others places, spending time together.

I feel bad because I needed someone to talk to about all my frustrations and feelings of her. So I went and talked with my good friend, and said things that weren't true at the time, but my feelings were hurt and sometimes when your feelings are hurt you say dishonest things. The point that I went and talked to someone and had nothing good to say about the person I am with, is a good indication on how I truly felt about the situation, and obviously I wasn't happy, and no matter how many times I would tell myself I was happy, I wasn't.

I thought things were going great, I started making plans with her. I committed to going on a trip with her and her friends. But about a week or so before the trip, I suddenly get a message saying she wants to be "alone". I broke down, I cried so much. When I got that message, I was working on her Christmas gift that I got 3D printed and went out and bought art supplies. She broke my heart, and didn't seem to care. I say this because I find out that she was talking to this guy. I spent Christmas alone because of her. She spent it with him. I didn't know this until now.

So I thought she wanted to be alone, and didn't want to be with anyone, but what it really was, she didn't want to be with me. She could have just told me that, instead she decided it was a better idea to make me feel like shit, and treat me horribly. But I thought maybe we could be friends, we were friends before she kissed me, we can be friends afterwards to. But I am starting to think that I can't be friends with her.

So we go on the trip over new years eve, and shes being a total bag to me. I thought maybe it was me just being sensitive but I don't think so anymore. She didn't want me there, but had to keep me there for financial gain. If I wasn't there she would have had to do all the driving herself or pay more for a additional driver. This whole time we were together, she was talking to him, and it hurt me to know that she didn't want to be alone, she just didn't want to be with me. I would never have done that to her. So why is she doing that to me?

When I was at what I thought was my lowest, I wrote her a letter. Just something that laid out all of my feelings for her. I wasn't going to give it to her, I was wrote it mainly for me. But on the last day of the trip, we got separated from the group and had to spend alone time together. It some how got brought up in conversation. So I gave her the letter. I knew it hurt her, but I was kinda happy it did. She needed to know how much she was hurting me. We talked about what I wrote, and the only thing that she kept reading was how I don't want to talk to her anymore. She was able to make me feel so guilty that I took back those words. Was this a mistake?

So after I gave her the letter, we went skating in Nathan Phillips Square. It was so much fun, she looked so beautiful on the skates, and it made me happy. But it also made me so sad, because I knew that she doesn't care for me the way I care for her. I was nothing to her. She says that she cares and that she doesn't want to hurt me, but she keeps doing things that confuse me. So on the way back, we got to the last leg of our trip, and she decides to hold my hand. I got knots in my stomach, because all I could think about is how much I like holding her hand. But shes not thinking of me, shes thinking of him and using me in the mean time.

It was weird, I tried not talking to her, I tried not thinking of her. But she would be everywhere I would be. I kept sending her things, and I don't know why. I wanted her to see that I was having fun with out her. I caused many fights between him and her. But truthfully I don't care. He has the right to worry about her integrity, she is a lair, and will say and do what ever she wants. He is head over heels for her, and I am scared that I am to. He left to go home for 10 days or so. But let his visa expire in the mean time. So he couldn't enter Canada again. While he was gone, her and I started hanging more and more, so much that we were together for 2 and a half weeks all day everyday.

In this time she broke up with her ex ex girlfriend and needed someone to comfort her. Being who I am and how I feel about her I wanted to make sure she was OK. She cried on my shoulder, we cuddled on the couch, and ate dinner together. The whole time I was thinking, she is only using you, she needed someone and no one else was available so that's why she chose you. She started to tell me everything about herself, all the things she has done in the past and with who. And from all those stories it really showed me who she was and how she treats people. She's a women who is scared to be alone. I knew then that I don't want to be with her in any other way except friendship. Because at least with friendships you can walk away with minimal hurt feelings.

The way she talks about him shows me that she really doesn't want to be with him. That she is being with him because he thinks he is in love with her, and she would feel guilty and bad if she isn't with him. She talks so poorly of him, that how can you be interested in a relationship with that person if all you have to say is negative things about them.

I feel bad for her. She is a nice, smart, beautiful women, but she keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. Unfortunately I got pulled into her web and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get away from it.

So he is finally coming back, and she is not happy about it and truthfully neither am I. I had so much fun with her over the past few weeks, that now hes back, I will probably never get to hang with her again. She kept trying to say that we will still hang out, but last night, she let it slip and I now know that she doesn't want to. That she was just hanging with me to fill in. Her roommate left at the same time and him, so she was all alone in her apartment all the time. So she used me to fill that space. And now that hes back, I will be thrown away like trash.

I am a idiot. So she really confused me. Her friend from Spain is coming up, and she needed to find a cheap method of getting around. And because of who I am and how I felt about her, I offered my jeep. So now I am committed to yet another trip with her. and she doesn't even want to hang with me before then. She knew if she whined enough around me that I would offer, and that she will get what she wants. She even had the guts to say that I can't even hang with them on the trip. Like she truly is just wants me there as a means of getting around. LIKE WHAT THE ****!!! Why am I so willing to let this women hurt me. She knows exactly how to hurt me and to get me to do what she wants.

So now I am alone, lonely. I feel like a idiot for allowing her to do this to me. But now that I have experienced it, I know what to look for for the next time.

[primajossa]

It's long, but then its just fine.

I think you should stop seeing her all at once. It won't be easy to survive the loneliness not seeing her, but you have to do it. You have to live your life without her. You have to live your life alone. Learn to. Walk away from it. Its not like it's a crime, it is self respect. It is obvious that you were being used for her self interests. It won't be good for you to stay in that kind of relationship. Self gain won't be possible for you. You can be happy with her, but after that you will feel more terrible. The loneliness will only pile up until you don't know who are anymore. What are you doing anymore.
Walk away until you still recognized the truth between dreams and reality. Believe me, you will be sick and drop on your knees if you won't step out of her life. If she doesn't want to step out of your life, then throw her out of your life. You should do. That's what you should do. Life is too short to spend it to someone who doesn't see you even just a friend.
LOVE YOURSELF more.
Self Respect is what you need to have. You can only get it by refusing her wishes and live your life without her.

[pcmaster]

I agree, You should cut her out of your lufe - stop contact and burn all the bridges and thinks that reminds you of ugly bitch.

Also I think you didnt see and ignored how bad she is because You got under beautiful woman spell. She was so beautiful in Your eyes that it made you blind to her actions. Would You let her do it to You if she were 50 year old and ugly?
She is actually pretty much ugly from the inside. You been falling for a piece of shit. I suggest therapy or counseling to get over it faster. Anyway it seems like You are deep in this emotional shit and it will take You ling time to move on. Might as well google some breakup guides on how to get over ex.

[TheEvilJester]

PCmaster's words may sound harsh, but I couldn't agree more, and I think they are needed in this case. Don't get me wrong. I'm not meaning to be insulting, nor do I think pc meant to either. It is just that, reading your story... you know what my biggest take away from that is? The thing that jumps out at me the most is that this friend of yours is NOT a good person. This "friend" of yours does not really even deserve to be your friend, and definitely not anything more than that either.

It is one thing is you two went from friends to be more than friends.... but that wound up not working out. That happens. Stinks, but nobody's fault. That's not the problem here. The problem is the hurtful and blatantly disrespectful way she went about it. Not only that, but she continues to show a complete lack of care for you (or anybody for that matter) what so ever. Heck, you yourself said that the way she describes past relationships as well as even her current one shows how little she cares for other people.

People like that almost never change. I am sure most of us can understand how you feel. You once thought maybe there could be something special in her. Thinking you may have found that made you feel great. But, the important thing to remember is that what made you feel good was thinking you find a good person.... it was the idea of who you thought she was.... it was NOT who she really is at all. You can still find somebody who DOES match that idea and DOES make you feel that way.... but it is because they actually ARE that person. You'll never find that in her.

You've seen it in the way she treats you, you've seen it in the way she treats others. She uses people. She may pretend to feel bad about that, but if she really felt bad she'd stop doing it. Thing is people like that will never stop using people as long as people keep letting them. So, what you need to do is stop letting her. Believe me, I don't mean to make it sound like it is that simple. I understand that may be hard. But, you have to do it for you. It will be hard at first, but in time you will realize how much better off you are without somebody like that in your life.

To be honest, you would be so much better off if you were able to hate her right now. Hate gets a bad reputation, but it CAN be a very useful and important tool as long as you use it wisely and use it temporarily. This person has wronged you repeatedly and without a care in the world for having done it. She deserves your hate, not your love. So, remind yourself how much she's wronged it and let that help you to see her for who she really is.... and hate her. ...BUT.... most importantly, don't dwell in that hate for long. Use that hate to get over her. To free yourself of her. Then, let it go. That doesn't mean forgiving her, that doesn't mean letting her back in your life. She doesn't deserve either. That means forgiving YOU and letting yourself be happy. You need to hate her.... but then you need to let that dissipate to where you nothing her. In time, she should be nothing but a memory. Hate can help you move on.... but you shouldn't hold onto it for long.

Good luck to you. You deserve SO MUCH better than her, even just as friend. So, don't allow yourself to be stuck with somebody like that in your life.