Need an Outside Perspective!

[HubbleBubble]

Hi! Long story short, but will answer any questions!

Have been seeing a guy for a year, we're exclusive - had the talk - and our relationship is practically perfect. However,

I saw a message on his phone....

It's from a work colleague, female. Very pretty!! This fed my already limited trust issues from previous relationships that have been completely suppressed in this relationship, but now beginning to creep in. So I snooped. Which I shouldn't have done. And am now in a quarry where I've seen more than just the message that popped up this one time. They both appear really chatty, similar interests and conversations that I would have with my boyfriend. Except, they've clearly met up for coffee, she is very flirty, and this one time they did have coffee together they must have had a conversation about 'what they were doing/any future', I say this because the message she sent him (this is in January) mentioned them just being friends and that she understands that he is seeing someone but feels that they get on incredibly. I can't gauge whether this went further than a chat, but I feel as though from reading it they've possibly kissed.

Dilemma, he doesn't know I snooped. He doesn't know I know about her to this point of she's never been raised in discussion, for all he knows I have no knowledge of her very existence.

What do I do?!?

[melancholia]

It doesn't sound like it's gone any further than the conversations you saw on his phone. Honestly, it sounds like they are friends. Is your boyfriend not allowed to have friends? You need to stop snooping through your boyfriends things. I promise you, if you are doing that, your relationship is not perfect. You need to figure out what the underlying problem is here so you don't do that again because it's a complete breach of trust and privacy on your part. People who snoop are insecure, end of story. Either their partner has acted in ways that contributes to those feelings, by cheating and lying, or people are insecure and are looking for something to go wrong in their relationship and for some reason I will never figure out, they seem to want to find it. You even found messages that should have quelled your fears, when you saw that she said "I know you're seeing someone and understand, but we get along well..." that should be a huge sign that your boyfriend is faithful to you and hasn't done anything inappropriate with this woman, but you still think something is up. So either you don't trust your boyfriend and you never truly will, or he's done something to break your trust and you're looking for more evidence.

Do not snoop through your boyfriend's social media accounts, email, or cell phone. It only brings trouble.

[HubbleBubble]

Hi, thanks, I completely agree.. never in the whole time we've been together have I felt that he wasn't honest and faithful. He's got loads of mates, I guess the only thing that worries me is that he's never mentioned her before, all the other mates he talks about. The only reason for looking further at the messages was the pop up one that I saw when I was using his phone. Just fuelled curiosity. I don't know whether to raise it with him (or even how) because he's normally so honest about all his friends. I think I would feel better if he wasn't appearing to 'hide' this friend. Just abnormal for him to not mention anything about this one.

[TheEvilJester]

When you snoop, you are only getting part of the story. As a general rule of thumb, I tend to suggest against that. Don't get me wrong. I think there ARE some situations where you may need to if you are with somebody you suspect of being a serial cheater, yet they will never own up to it. Though, to be honest, were it to ever get to that point, I'd personally say it is probably better to end things rather than feel the need to snoop.

However, you've now seen first hand exactly why snooping isn't a great idea. You've seen messages where she says she understand he is seeing somebody else. So.... that indicates he didn't keep you a secret from her. That's a pretty good sign..... But then obviously that makes your mind start to wonder thinking "How did that come up anyway?" You start inventing stories in your mind where they kissed.... or maybe even worse, and that is how it came up for conversation.

When, as far as you know, maybe they hung out as friends and he brought up the fact that he has a girlfriend pretty quickly. For all you know, he was clear about that right from that start, but she's the one who has interest in him. So, now you are left with a conundrum of what do you do exactly? You have a small picture of the story, but not the whole thing. You can't come at him like you are accusing him of anything, because in fairness you really don't know if there is anything going on to worry about.

I guess my advice, IF you feel you can, would be to try to forget it, but just keep an eye out for other signs. Frankly, cheaters/users/other baddies aren't able to hide their true nature for long. So, if he is a scumbag, it won't be long until you discover it anyway.

On the other hand, if you feel like ignoring it will just drive you crazy with pondering what could be going on, if anything....

Then maybe you should just own up to what you did wrong (snooping), admit what you saw, and ask him about it. IF you do so, I would still not suggest doing so as though you've caught him doing something and are calling him out on it. I would suggest you approach it as though you think you are probably worried over nothing, but that you can't help the fact that it worries you. If you approach it a little bit delicately, maybe he will be more understanding.

Wouldn't hurt, as well, to do some soul searching, so to speak.... To ask yourself did you feel the need to snoop in the first place because he gives you reasons to be paranoid, or has he never really given you cause for concern, but somehow you can't help yourself anyway? If it is just that you can't help yourself, then hopefully that is something you can realize and work to improve. He doesn't deserve to be treated as though he's guilty unless he's done something to truly make you think he is. On the other hand, if he actually DOES give you reasons to doubt him, then maybe that is a sign he's not such a good guy after all. But, you'd know that better than any of us.
'
Good luck!

[melancholia]

It's one thing to be curious if you see a text or FB message pop up on your partner's phone, but then you went and snooped, so really, you are insecure about something. Either your BF never mentioned her before because he didn't feel it was necessary, maybe they aren't that good of friends for him to talk about her to you; or he figured you would get bent out of shape about it and overreact at the idea of him being friends with another woman. If I were you, I would drop it. You didn't even find anything incriminating, so how would you even go about bringing it up? "Hey, I snooped through your phone and saw texts between you and this woman... explain that to me please." What do you expect to get out of that conversation? Let your boyfriend have his friendships without judging him for it or assuming the worst of him. You say you trust him and he's never given you a reason not to trust him. So do that. If you let your insecurities get to you, it will cause bigger problems in your relationship down the line.

[Hooo!]

First of all: I am not sure what you want?

Also there is the thing about trust. On the one hand trust has to be upheld. It gives the trusted a responsibility to a certain degree.
However by not choosing to trust someone, by being controlling, hesistant and even obsessive you are creating an environment where persons want to be free of that.

Look at it from another way: if you had the sexiest man alive as your partner then other women are going to hit on him.
If he then chooses you instead of them you can take that as a HUGE compliment.
Jealousy doesn't get you anywhere usually. It does not create an outcome you want usually.

Now back to the matter at hand.
I would personally tell him exactly what happened and thank him for being so faithful to you. I would tell him how I've been hurt before and that you just couldn't help yourself and that you will not do so again. But please if he could just promise to tell you if someone is flirting with him because you are just scared of getting hurt again

It could be that he will not be happy about it, but I think if you expect him to be honest and open and trustworthy you should be the same

[TheEvilJester]

Maybe telling him is your best bet, maybe just letting it go and pretending it never happened is your best bet. That, I'm not 100% sure myself. Though, I do tend to lean towards saying the honestly is generally the best policy. However, either way I wanted to echo Hooo's sentiments here. I think he put it very well when he explained a much more positive way you could think about this. Apparently she has some level of interest in him..... but he is with you. In fact, what little evidence you saw from your snooping session would make it seem like he made it very clear to her that he's with you and would not do anything to hinder that.

So, that is honestly a positive more than anything. So, thumbs up to Hooo for that way of illustrating it.