You know how it is, when you have that one-sided crush, that infatuation, where you feel like the entire sky comes alive with stars and rainbows when just that one person speaks to you, and you feel in agony when they are ignoring you or just aren't initiating conversations like they used to.
He did make it clear even when I finally said something that he only wanted to be just friends, but... I don't know, I just couldn't get over him. It's not every day you find someone who makes you a promise to be there, who once spoke so sweetly to you, who once made you a promise that if you ever had suicidal thoughts to come to him and he would tell you reasons why you shouldn't, someone who occasionally gifted you games on Steam from time to time as a kind gesture.
I... wanted him, I wanted to be near him, I wanted so much more of him in my life, and yet we never seemed to click in the way that I wanted, plus over the last couple of years he really changed a lot, and I was changing in my own way too for different reasons.
I just felt like I was dying without him, but he also had his own life and other people he connected better with, and he had so much going on, and just....
I don't know.
I guess I'm just dealing with a broken heart, a shattered fantasy, and... it doesn't help that I just don't know what to do with my life or what I want to do with it. Especially since... even though we aren't speaking anymore, part of me is still fixated on him in the privacy of my thoughts.