Girlfriend cheated??

[Gemini10182]

My girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I found out this morning when my friend admitted to sleeping with her, and showed me the pictures he took of her naked. When I confronted her she said its because I'm terrible in bed. I was repeatedly sexually abused when I was 8 years old, and I find sex too hard deal with. The whole thing is too emotional for me, and she knows this. I love her so should I forgive her?

- - - Updated - - -

Sorry for the duplicate posts. Didn't realize that it took a while to post.

[melancholia]

No. Don't forgive her or your friend. She's a b!tch and your friend is a douche. Find better friends and a better, more understanding girlfriend.

[Gemini10182]

You're right but why did it have to be him

[melancholia]

Because they both suck and are disrespectful twats who are selfish and only thought of themselves at that moment.

[TheEvilJester]

Weird. It shouldn't take a while to post. Your post should have showed up instantly. Anyway, I already commented on your other post. So, here I will just add this....

Why did it have to be your best friend? Because your girlfriend is obviously a heartless scumbag and she knew that would hurt you the worst. She knew cheating on you would hurt enough as it is, but cheating with your best friend would be SO much worse. That really sound like somebody you want in your life?

I'll add to that.... a REAL friend would NEVER have even entertained the thought of going along with that. So, he's not a good person either and doesn't deserve you as a friend.

[Gemini10182]

I wasn't really thinking when I broke his phone....he might try to make me pay for it damn...

[Hooo!]

You're right but why did it have to be him

because he - unlike you - doesnt have issues in bed and doesnt hold back
he likes it and makes her enjoy herself.

simple as that.
Its terrible what you have gone through - but you cant and should not blame other people for deficits you have.

If you dont enjoy sex and its too much for you then find someone who doesnt want or need much sex.
If you want to learn to enjoy it - then do so.

Quit being the product of what happened to you in the past. I know this is harsh, but for the sake of yourself:
find out what you want
and then go do it. Regardless of what you have experienced in the past. You have all the resources to enjoy your life to the fullest extend.
If you hold back because of what other people did to you - then you hold back for them (not for yourself).

[Gemini10182]

She should have just told me how she was feeling

[Hooo!]

yes because "you suck in bed" is such a nice topic to talk about.

And its not that you didnt know it...

[TheEvilJester]

I'm sorry, but whether or not he's "bad in bed" is, in my personal opinion, 100% beside the point. About the ONLY way I could even understand this one IOTA would be if he was bad in bed, she's told him so REPEATEDLY and tried to work with him to make things better.... but he just outright refuses. Then I could MAYBE understand the tiniest bit how she was driven to that..... BUT even then that would not make it okay in the slightest. If that were the case, then you break up with the person and THEN move on to somebody else. You don't cheat on them, and especially not with somebody so close to them.

Now, I think it was actually in Gemini's other message where he mentioned that she NEVER said a thing about it. So, IF he is actually "bad in bed," I would venture to guess he probably didn't know it. I would also be willing to bet a great deal that she just claimed he is "bad in bed" because she knows that is one of the most hurtful and insulting things you can say to somebody. Based on what he's shared of the story, I get the impression she did all this to be deliberately hurtful. There is NO way in which that can be the slightest bit okay.

[Hooo!]

I would also be willing to bet a great deal that she just claimed he is "bad in bed" because she knows that is one of the most hurtful and insulting things you can say to somebody. Based on what he's shared of the story, I get the impression she did all this to be deliberately hurtful. There is NO way in which that can be the slightest bit okay.

I find sex too hard deal with. The whole thing is too emotional for me, and she knows this.

I assumed by this that he is bad in bed. She never told him (as far as i know) that he is.
I assumed by this that he knows he is bad in bed and that his sexual "performance" has been lacking. I dont mean this as a flame or something to be ashamed of. I just think the girl wanted it and could not get it from him.

Cheating is not ok. We can agree on that. However cheating is not as one sided as many people make you believe.
There are some people who get cheated on repeatedly. And usually thats not just chance. Usually there is something that they do that then eventually leads to the partners cheating.
That doesnt make cheating OK or respectful or good or necessary in any way and it surely is no excuse. Its a reason.
And the only thing those people can do is to stop doing that and change their beliefs and behaviors so they dont get cheated upon anymore.
Cheating is not just some random thing happening to you (usually). Thats all im saying.

[TheEvilJester]

Fair enough, and with that I can agree. As much as nobody deserves to be the victim of something like this, and as much as it is sometimes just random (i.e. you just happen to wind up with a scumbag capable of cheating no matter WHO they may be with), it certainly can be something worth examining. Were there ways he contributed to it happening? And.... again, as you say, even if there were, that is NOT saying that makes what she did okay. Not by ANY stretch of the imagination. It's just saying that it certainly doesn't hurt him to work on improving those things anyway. For him, as much as for the right gal, when he finds her.

IF there are things he could improve, any normal human being who actually gives a crap about how the treat people wouldn't respond to them by cheating on him..... but it could certainly lead to what could otherwise have been a great relationship ending. So, I can't necessarily say if there ARE things that Gemini needs to improve upon, but I'd agree it is a worthwhile exercise for him to ponder. Though, Gemini, don't make the mistake of thinking you can't do that without the attitude being that you did something wrong. You were wronged here, you did not do anything wrong. This is to change for your own better, to be better suited to find happiness, NOT changing because you did anything wrong for which you must pay penance.

[Hooo!]

You were wronged here, you did not do anything wrong. This is to change for your own better, to be better suited to find happiness, NOT changing because you did anything wrong for which you must pay penance.

No. Its both:
He doesnt need to pay penance and yes he was wronged.
That doesnt however mean he didnt do anything wrong.

I am saying he probably did. And im saying it was probably big time wrong.
Im not saying he did it intentionally. Im not saying the girl wasnt shit either. All im saying is that he PROBABLY did (or didnt do) something really unhealthy relationshipwise and messed up big time.

[TheEvilJester]

I guess you may be right, but at least based on what we know of the story he did not. Frankly, if we pretend, for the sake of argument, that he IS "bad in bed" as his ex claimed.... that's still not him doing something wrong. Again, not unless he was well aware he was bad and didn't care to do anything about it at all.

However, at the very least, I am sure there must be something he did that SHE considers an egregious enough offense to warrant such a punishment. I mean, she could just be a complete psycho who decides to hurt people for no reason.... but I'd venture to guess that probably isn't the case. There's probably some offense, no matter how minor, of which she thinks he is guilty (and maybe he is, maybe he isn't) that drove her to this.

Again, I think we both agree it doesn't make what she did okay in the slightest. He seems to be saying that, as far as he knew, things were great between them. I don't think he'd be saying that if they were at each other's throats all the time. So, whatever maybe he did or didn't do that upset her so, she apparently never shared it with him before deciding to do something so hurtful. Frankly, though I know it is hard to feel this way at first, you're much better off without her, Gemini.

[Hooo!]

I guess you may be right, but at least based on what we know of the story he did not. Frankly, if we pretend, for the sake of argument, that he IS "bad in bed" as his ex claimed.... that's still not him doing something wrong.

again: His ex didnt claim it. I claimed it. and if i am correct then he IS doing something wrong. At least he is not doing it right - if you know what i mean

Again, not unless he was well aware he was bad and didn't care to do anything about it at all.

He knows. See quote below:

I find sex too hard deal with. The whole thing is too emotional for me, and she knows this.

However, at the very least, I am sure there must be something he did that SHE considers an egregious enough offense to warrant such a punishment.

I do not understand. she went and got her desires met. I agree that this is despicable and ethically uncorrect. I dont however see it as psychopathic or as punishment.

as far as he knew, things were great between them.

Yeah well. thats always the case if people come here complaining about "finding it out"
Things were not great obviously. At least not for her anyways.

So, whatever maybe he did or didn't do that upset her so, she apparently never shared it with him before deciding to do something so hurtful.

Would You tell your repeatedly sexually misused partner that they lack sexual skills? As a woman?

Frankly, though I know it is hard to feel this way at first, you're much better off without her, Gemini.

this much we can agree upon.
I know this is hard for you gemini. And Im adding to it with my assumtions. And I feel sorry for you. But that doesnt help you.
If you think I am right we can discuss your assumed sexual insecurities, however i think youd be better of with a real therapist regarding that.
I am sorry for what you have gone through earlier in your life and what you are going through now.
The past is past and you cannot change that. However you can establish thoughts, values, actions, skills and beliefs that will help you to change the future into how you would like it to be.
If you would like it to be without any sex and that is fine for you - then thats ok. If you would like it to be in a way where you can fully enjoy sexual contact then that is ok too. That much is up to you.
I am trying to tell you that you have all the power within you to makre sure that what you want your future to be like - you can make it happen instead of just letting "random" acts happen to you.
I am trying to give you understanding about how you can change those "random" acts into much more controlled scenarios.
And that cannot happen with standing there and going like: "the world is so unfair to me. It does everything to me and i cant do anything about it..."
Sometimes you cant. You surely cant to anything about the past. But most of the time that belief is unhelpfull to the point of self fullfilling bullshit.