Boyfriend is incredibly anal in the kitchen. What can be done?

[belif]

My boyfriend, who I have come to stay with for 9 weeks I have found is very anal about small things in the kitchen which is obviously irritating. I am respectful and understanding that everyone likes to do things a particular way - just as I.

When I first arrived, the first night, I was washing the dishes and he criticised that I put a few knives & forks on an area (according to him, very dirty) which is meant for where washing is drained after it's dried. It looked perfectly clean and made logical sense to me. He argued that area is incredibly dirty and he only just cleaned it before I came. I moved on from that and left it there. As other times I cleaned up or washed dishes, he wasn't happy with the way I placed kitchen wear that was trying to dry. His idea isn't logic to me. For example, he likes to let pots and pans dry on a kitchen towel that is already crummy. He will place a wet chopping board on top of another which is very strange to me. I would rather place them on what is used for letting it dry, I cannot think of the word however similar to a "washing hanging rack"

Then I noticed when we went food shopping, he was obsessed with expiry dates. A few days later, he asked why we should keep the bread out when it's about to expire (yet it has been perfectly closed) and we can put it in the freezer or fridge. He is against this as he believes it breeds bacteria yet I mentioned to him that everything has bacteria on it, including our skin, everything that we touch, cross contaminates bugs.
One night he told me not to wipe my hands afterwards with a particular towel. I believe it was that night I ate something, dropped a few pieces of pasta on the floor and he negatively said that he knew it was about to happen. One other time we were cooking and I cracked the eggs (in his view) too hard on the side of the pan, they were all okay except one that the white part of the egg went over the stove.

Last night I received something in the mail and I went to grab a pair of scissors that was somewhat sitting on the kitchen bench (to me, I just thought they were normal scissors used for anything) and opened something and placed them on his desk that he was studying at. Hours went by and he obviously didn't notice them. Later on he was cooking and asked where they were and that rudely in a particular pessimistic tone said those are only used for the kitchen then went on to tell me that he believes opening some meat with those scissors is bad if they have touched anything other than in the kitchen, if they then touched the meat. He has explained his way of doing things which I have taken on board but I just feel he is incredibly anal, germ paranoid and I am worried about his reaction when I drop food in front of him or do the wrong thing.
What is strange is that he only showers once every couple of days and when he does shower, he doesn't use soap, never puts on deodorant after he showers and doesn't brush his teeth twice a day. He is not hygienic minded in my view.

I spoke to him about this and he mentioned that he does understand he is anal and agrees with that, that the comment he made about the scissors was uncalled for and that he will stop being so anal. Any other further advice? Do I just do it the way I know and not cater to his way as it may be always somewhat wrong?

[Hooo!]

we call that obsessive Compulsive Disorder

[melancholia]

Either he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or he is incredibly controlling. Let him handle all the cleaning if he has to have it his way.

[Hooo!]

Either he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or he is incredibly controlling. Let him handle all the cleaning if he has to have it his way.

isnt that the same thing?

either way. Good for the OP, because that means shes not the one cleaning :-) Cant do it properly anyways.

[melancholia]

No. OCD and controlling behavior are not the same thing. OCD is a mental disorder, controlling behavior is learned over time. Any excuse not to clean is a good one in my books haha.

[edd]

omg i once had a gf like that, controlling everything so i stopped doing anything after some time. i cant stand that, you try help and get complain back.
not nice at all and very demotivating.
i prefere my girl putting cloathes and stuff all around the house and then make jokes when she forgot what is where

[Hooo!]

No. OCD and controlling behavior are not the same thing. OCD is a mental disorder, controlling behavior is learned over time. Any excuse not to clean is a good one in my books haha.

that would mean that mental disorders are not learne or evolved over time?
i still think its the same time with OCD being just excessively controlling behavior?

actually i think im right if you look at ICD 10
"A disorder characterized by the presence of persistent and recurrent irrational thoughts (obsessions), resulting in marked anxiety and repetitive excessive behaviors (compulsions) as a way to try to decrease that anxiety.
An anxiety disorder characterized by recurrent, persistent obsessions or compulsions. Obsessions are the intrusive ideas, thoughts, or images that are experienced as senseless or repugnant. Compulsions are repetitive and seemingly purposeful behavior which the individual generally recognizes as senseless and from which the individual does not derive pleasure although it may provide a release from tension.
An anxiety disorder in which a person has intrusive ideas, thoughts, or images that occur repeatedly, and in which he or she feels driven to perform certain behaviors over and over again. For example, a person may worry all the time about germs and so will wash his or her hands over and over again. Having an obsessive-compulsive disorder may cause a person to have trouble carrying out daily activities."

[melancholia]

They are not the same thing. One is a disorder and mental disease. One is a behavioural issue. Very different things. I've researched and educated myself enough on this that I know what I'm talking about.

[belif]

No. OCD and controlling behavior are not the same thing. OCD is a mental disorder, controlling behavior is learned over time. Any excuse not to clean is a good one in my books haha.

I do agree with this.

- - - Updated - - -

isnt that the same thing?

either way. Good for the OP, because that means shes not the one cleaning :-) Cant do it properly anyways.

Haha yes if it continues, I will just mention that he can dominate the kitchen.

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you responders. I will add that he is of Chinese origin (westernised though) however parents are conservative. Whether this makes sense or not.

[TheEvilJester]

I hear you. That would be quite a problem. I mean, what you do in your bedroom is one thing, but bringing that kind of thing into the kitchen is just....... Oh wait.... I think I misread your subject line.

LOL! I'm kidding of course.

I've had a similar experience with somebody in the past, so I can't help but kind of want to smack this guy, and part of me wants to tell you to run screaming. LOL! However, I think that may be a bit of an over-reaction, at least at this point. I just can't help but relate this to my own personal past experiences with somebody who had ridiculous standards that no normal human being could live up to, and nobody would frankly WANT to live like that anyway.

I will say this.... I think all of the things you've said sound perfectly logical to me. I mean, after washing the dishes, where else would one put them to dry other than the DRYING RACK? I mean... are you saying you used the drying rack..... and that was somehow upsetting to him?

Now, if he has his way and he likes things that way, that is perfectly fine...... BUT you are not a mind reader. Or, at least I don't think you are. I don't see any pitchforks or fire, so you certainly haven't read my mind. So, assuming you are not a mind-reader, it isn't fair of him to expect you just know through some magical/automatic means precisely how he likes things. Using a pair of scissors to open an envelope also seems perfectly logical to me.

Well, as it is, I have a Batarang letter open that I use instead... but I'm nerd. Anyway, it can sometimes be hard when two people first begin to live together.... even more so when they are in a relationship. Just do your best to explain calmly to him that you are happy to do things how he wants, but that he needs to tell you what that entails first. He cannot just expect you'll automatically know or that you automatically do things the same way and then get upset with you when you do not.

Hopefully this is just him adjusting to the newness of the situation and he will realize the err of his ways and be better about it. If he never changes, though, this is at least one sign that maybe you two cannot live peacefully together.... which one would think is ultimately one of the major goals of a relationship. Of course, that is the absolute worst case scenario, so I wouldn't worry about that yet. Hopefully things will be okay with some patience and time. Good luck!

[melancholia]

Being conservative or of a certain geographical origin doesn't indicate whether or not a person will be controlling or neurotic about how they like to keep their home clean.

Did you move into his place, or did you move into a new place together?

[Hooo!]

going anal for leaving a dirty knife in the kitchen seems pretty neurotiv to me
depending on how anal it was...

- - - Updated - - -

They are not the same thing. One is a disorder and mental disease. One is a behavioural issue. Very different things. I've researched and educated myself enough on this that I know what I'm talking about.

Please elaborate. Because I have also "educated myself about this".
"A disorder characterized by [...] recurrent irrational thoughts (obsessions), resulting in [...] repetitive excessive behaviors (compulsions) ..."
mental disease that results in behavioural issues is what OCD is actually classified as.

The overly (germ and hygiene) controlling behaviour is the result of recurrent irrational thoughts. You ofc from the outside see only the behaviour (obviously).
So i dont see where the difference betweend OCD and extreme (recurrent, persistant) controlling behaviour is.
The one is the behavior that originates from the other. But having one means having the other - doesnt it?

[TheEvilJester]

Well, I wasn't involved in the initial discussion as to how one is different from the other.... but I think it may not be a matter of the technical definition. Sure, if you look at that definition, they pretty much both sound the same. However, I think the difference is somebody with OCD can't help themselves. At least to some degree. It's not necessarily that they are selfish or inconsiderate. They just have a disorder, whether you believe it is taught/learned or just inherent, the fact is that they can't help it. To some degree, anyway, because largely learning to cope with it can be a big part of getting over that.

The difference being somebody who isn't necessarily OCD but IS controlling, they aren't that way because they feel a compulsion they can't control, they are that way because they are inconsiderate. I mean, it may even not be intentional. For example, maybe they've become used to living alone and the thought just doesn't even occur to them that other people may do things differently.

I don't really know if I am explaining that well. The fact is, though I agree they are different, they are still VERY similar. It's kind of hard to articulate the difference.

[melancholia]

The main differentiating factor between OCD and controlling behavior is OCD is an anxiety-driven mental illness, about controlling one's own actions in order to stop bad things/thoughts from happening to the person suffering. Controlling behavior not a mental illness; however, it may be a symptom of a person's mental illness, if they have one, but is not necessarily comorbid with a mental illness or any kind of disorder at all. It is used to manipulate other people into behaving in a way the abuser sees fit. People with OCD have obsessive, intrusive thoughts, and many sufferers create routines that they must follow, because if they don't, they believe something terrible will happen. Either they will die, or their family will die (usually). People who display controlling behavior are concerned with manipulating other people's behavior to suit their needs. They are completely different things.

[dontaskme]

^^^ This is correct. To the other poster, stop debating something that you are obviously wrong about. OCD is a mental disorder that may require medical treatment to manage the symptoms, while there is no medical cure for being controlling.

- - - Updated - - -

OP, if your partner is driving you crazy and you can't take it anymore, why don't you just move out and live on your own? You can still date him but you do NOT have to live with him.