Telling him about an abortion?

[Sunkiss]

If you find out you are pregnant by someone you don't plan on being with and they don't plan to be with you anymore either, would you tell them if you plan to get an abortion? I am currently in this situation. Not 100% if I am pregnant or not but it is something I happened to think about while waiting to find out. We no longer date (not because of bad terms or anything....just mutual differences) Unfortunately, I could now be pregnant and I'm not sure what I plan to do just yet.

I don't need opinions on whether abortion/premarital sex (or whatever else in life) is ok to you or not. I just am asking for opinions on telling the father if I don't plan on keeping it.

[melancholia]

Here is my opinion, from my own experience: take your time to think about what you want to do about the pregnancy before you tell anybody. It is your decision and yours alone, and it is not up to anybody else to make the decision for you, or to influence your decision. Your options are: 1) carry the pregnancy to term and keep the baby, 2) carry the pregnancy to term and give the baby up for adoption, 3) terminate the pregnancy. If there is someone in your life you trust completely, who can be impartial and not at all judgmental, then by all means tell them so you can lean on them for support. However, if you do not have a person like that in your life, I suggest contacting a counselor at a women's health clinic or abortion services center, as they are well equipped to help women through the decision, regardless of the outcome you ultimately choose.

Now, should you choose abortion, whether or not to tell the father is also 100% up to you. You do not have to tell him. He has no legal rights to the decision, and there are no legal repercussions if you choose not to tell him. I don't want to tell you what to do here, because it's 100% your decision, but I will tell you my story and maybe you can find your answer somewhere in there:

In 2015, I had been seeing this guy since the summer. We were sexually exclusive, but hadn't put a label on our relationship, although we were friends before we started hooking up. I found out I was pregnant in December, on a whim, because I had planned to get my IUD inserted and you have to take a pregnancy test before hand to ensure you aren't pregnant. It was positive, however, I knew before I took the test that if it was positive, I would get an abortion. I was in no way ready to have a baby, and I knew the person I was dating also wasn't ready, and there was no way I was going to have a baby with someone who wasn't ready. I decided not to tell him, which I was well within my rights to choose not to. My reasons were: 1) it was my decision, and my decision alone. I felt resolute and finite about my decision and I did not want his reaction to influence me in any way; 2) I did not want him to make me feel bad for what happened, even though it's nobody's "fault", when someone is scared to hear news like that, they tend to want to cast blame where it isn't warranted. It was happening to me and not him, it's my body and my decision and I did not want it to be about him and how he felt; 4) I didn't want to stress him out either by giving him that information, especially knowing I had already made up my mind to terminate and could not be swayed otherwise; and 5) I didn't want him to come with me. I wanted to do it alone, and I know he would have felt obligated to come with me and that would have added more stress on me, and would have made me feel very awkward.

I am not sure if you've ever been pregnant before or have had an abortion, but it doesn't have to be the most horrible experience. I was delighted to learn how wonderfully accepting and non-judgmental the staff were at the clinic I went to. They were so knowledgeable and did such a great job of explaining everything to me. Fortunately, I live in Canada and surgical abortions are free, as they are included in our Universal health care, so I did not have to worry about bearing any costs. I signed in and sat in the waiting room. I also had my IUD with me, which they informed me could be inserted at the same time as my abortion. I filled out the forms and waited for the counselor (they make you see a counselor before you're appointment). I spoke with her and she asked me a bunch of questions, like what type of birth control I was on, what type I planned to be on, what our relationship status was, if I had told him or not, etc. Fairly basic, standard questions you may expect. She asked how I felt, and how resolute I was about my choice. Then I went from her room to the other waiting room. They weighed me and gave me the skirt to put on, and I waited again. They gave me Vicodin, which I had requested ahead of time, but didn't do sh!t for me as I have a very high tolerance to medications. They sat me down in a comfy massage chair with a heating pad and explained the procedure to me. I went into the procedure room and they gave me an ultrasound to find out exactly how far along I was, then they gave me a mixture of fentanyl and hydromorphone before starting the abortion (again, I had requested both. They give you an option of Fentanyl, Hydromorphone, Vicodin or all three for the procedure, I chose all three). They explained how the abortion worked and I didn't feel a thing during it. It took maybe 15-20 minutes, including the time it took them to insert my IUD. I came out of the room back to the massage chair and waited until they cleared me to leave. My friend picked me up and that was it. They offered after care counseling, but for me I didn't need it. Like I said, I felt resolute about my choice and it wasn't a difficult one for me to make. For the sake of my future children and for myself, I knew it was the best choice, and I do not regret it for one second.

Now, that's not to say the decision is not hard. Of course it is hard for many, many women. But there is a lot of stigma surrounding abortion that places a lot of shame and negative feelings about it onto many women. Talk to people you trust, google testimonies and other people's feelings about their experiences. Abortion can be scary, but it doesn't have to be. If you feel it is the right choice for you, that is your choice. It is nobody else's choice but yours and if anyone ever tries to tell you otherwise, they can go f.uck themselves.

To play Devil's advocate, if I were to end up pregnant now, I would tell my current boyfriend. I have my IUD, so a pregnancy scare is highly unlikely and I am not worried about winding up pregnant, but I would tell him, even though I would most likely terminate that pregnancy. I would tell him because he is my best friend and I know he would be supportive and give me the emotional support I would want from him. Since we are in a committed, happy, healthy relationship, I would want him to be there with me, even if I did choose abortion again. I probably would choose to terminate because he is still finishing college and I just started a new job with the Government and I am not ready for children yet. If I thought my current boyfriend would not be supportive of my decision, or if I thought he would make me feel bad, I wouldn't tell him either. I would have the procedure done and that's it. Again, we are in a committed relationship and there is a level of trust between us that would make me feel wrong for not telling him. Also, both of us do want children at some point in our lives, and that would also be a factor in choosing to tell him, if that were to happen to us at this time.

I hope at least some of what I've had to say helps you. If you have any questions at all, please feel free to ask me. I am not shy about sharing my experience and will gladly offer any information or advice that I can, if you think it will help you.

Best of luck to you, dear one.

[richiro]

omg this is such a tough one.. i'm not sure myself.

i guess my gutt instincts is saying it's more related to what your relationship is with the guy, how it went, etc. and if he's the type you feel deserves to know and would want to know.
i also think whether you are going to have the kid or not is a major part of this decisions - if ou'er going to have it, i think by default that means he should know.
i guess part of it is also what you want for your kid if you have it. do you want it to know its father? what are you going to do if it asks about its father?

lastly.. do you want ongoing connection with the guy or not (as in.. how good/bad was the relationship that continuing to be in communication over a kid. would that be horrible for you given what he is or not?)

if you're not going to have the kid, that's completely different. I would say by default if you're not gonig to, then yo udon't need to tell him. he doens't need to know.

[SerenaJames]

I’m sorry to know you are facing such a difficult dilemma. I believe the fact that you’re even bothering to ask this question reveals that you should talk to father. I use to work in a capacity where I often visited with women who found themselves facing unexpected pregnancies. I never once heard of a mother who regretted sharing with the father. The two questions I would often ask women who were facing this or a similar dilemma are below. It could be helpful to think through them beforehand, just so they don’t catch you off guard.

How would you respond if the father didn’t want you to have an abortion?

What if you never have another opportunity to have another child?

Whether you talk to the father or not, I would encourage you to talk to someone. This is a life changing decision and it’s not something you should have to go through alone.

[melancholia]

Let me clarify, that if you choose to carry the pregnancy to term and keep the baby, you definitely should tell the father, if you want to give him the opportunity to be in that child's life.

I cannot stress enough that it is your choice. Your choice to keep the baby or not, and your choice to tell the father or not. If you think he will be supportive, or if you think he deserves to know, or would want to know, then by all means, tell him. But you do not HAVE to tell him if you do not want to, or if you feel uncomfortable, and especially if you feel unsafe to do so.

I'd like to reiterate that this is a big decision, and it can be a very difficult one for many women, but you have every right to make the decision that is best for you, regardless of what that decision may be. There are resources available for any option you may choose, so I encourage you to look into all of them if you are unsure about what option to choose.

[MartinOhm]

Honestly I am not sure what to say on this being a really serious subject. I have always believed that women have the right for abortions if they feel like it, specially if it threatens their life or is product of a sexual violation. I do believe melancholia has given you a better reply considering her experiences. It just came to me, but you would have do endure the pregnancy, to have the child and give it to adoption as there are married couples who canpt have children. I have a couple of uncles married for almost 40 years but sadly were never able to concieve; even more sad that as they are somewhat elderly; they are not elegible to adpot. Sorry to bring this, but I have always liked them and sadly they never had children.

Oh an also, melancholia I did receive the pm from you and accepted your friendship but I did not saw my reply on the sent box. I did said that maybe I have to switch browsers as I use Chrome and maybe this would not happen on firefox.

[Hooo!]

yes
at least 10 characters

[Sunkiss]

I will definitely tell him if I do decide to keep the baby. I want my kid to know their father. I'm just saying if I do end up getting the abortion I wouldn't know what use it would be telling him about it. I guess other than for him to basically give me his opinion on it...

[Hooo!]

only because the baby is growing inside you doesnt mean its yours only.
he is the father to it even if its still inside you.
so ethically he has a right to know that it is there in the first place.

[dontaskme]

If you live in the US, there is a program called planned parenthood. There should be experienced counselors there who are non- biased and non -judgmental to help guide and support you on whatever decision you choose to make. Abortion is a difficult choice and shouldn't be taken lightly and that is why you need every assistance you can get because for some women, the effect can be life changing.

[melancholia]

I agree with [MENTION=76442]dontaskme[/MENTION] check out Planned Parenthood or any other women's health service clinic in your area. Be proud of yourself for reaching out for advice with something that can be very difficult for people to handle. Weigh all your options and figure out what is best for you, and eventually you will find the answers you're looking for.

Unless you plan to stay pregnant and keep the baby, the father does not need to know. It's up to you to tell him or not, if you think it's morally sound to tell him even if you plan to terminate; but if you don't want to, for any reason, you do not have to. Everyone will have many different opinions about this, but the only opinion that truly matters is yours.

[pcmaster]

I find it to be very easy one. If you want to keep baby then tell a guy. If you want to end - dont want to have baby then dont tell a guy.
But yeah first find out if you really pregnant and then decide what you want to do. But think guy deserves to know for sure if you are carrying out baby.
It takes two to get pregnant so he have the same rights as you if you decide to have a baby.

Telling about abortion wont be a right thing to do cause its just fcks up the guy. Tell him only if you never ever want to have sex with him cause it turns guys off. It would be brutal and unecessary thing to do if you would tell him about abortion or that you want to give away baby to adoption. Giving kid away for adoption is stupid to even imagine. If it happens then guy have rights to know but better dont consider this option.

[lovebroken]

I don't know, never been in that situation before but if there is no intention to be involved and no love there then break up immediately and keep it to yourself if you go through with it. If still with him after you do it, to me is sort of different, and should confess the truth. Don't hang around with him before you do this if you don't want him or his baby, better to immediately go separate ways.

[TheEvilJester]

It's definitely a tough choice. I think we can all certainly offer our own opinion on the situation, but I think this is one situation where that may not really be the best. I think the best advice I've seen above was that you should work with Planed Parenthood, assuming they have that or a program like that near you. We can offer our opinions, but this is a big decision. That is something where, ultimately, our opinions are really irrelevant because it is YOUR opinion that matters in this case.

For what it's worth, I'll offer my own thoughts. However, as both a male and somebody who has never experienced having a girlfriend (ex or otherwise) unexpectedly become pregnant, I don't really think my opinion is as helpful as somebody who has maybe actually been through something like this. But, if hearing others thoughts on the matter helps you wrestle with this in your own head, I'll at least offer my thoughts.

If you decide to keep the child, that is then a no-brainer. You should tell the father. If you decide to go with abortion.... that is not so cut and dry. My gut instinct leans towards saying you should tell him anyway, once you have committed that this is your decision. To me, it just seems like the right thing to do. .....BUT, I readily admit that is maybe just me. I say it SEEMS like the right thing to do to me, but that doesn't mean I'd consider it wrong if you decided the opposite. Heck, if you decided to go with abortion, and decided it best not to tell him, I could not blame you in the slightest.

This is a big decision, though, and cannot be an easy one. I wish you the best in whatever you do decide. But, I would agree with the advice to talk to professionals before you do make any decision. That is, unbiased, caring professionals like Planned Parenthood, not somebody who, well meaning or not, would try to force their views on you.

[Hooo!]

for me thats a no brainer
you have both had sex together and he should be informed of the consequences.

if i were the father i would know and it would be very strange to keep this from me. Also it doesnt cost her anything to let him know.
What the guy does with the knowledge then is up to him. Like it is up to her what she does with the child.
She does not gain anything from keeping this knowledge and the fact that he might become a father is something that a man would probably like to know - dont you think?