Violent relationship PLEASE HELP

[LunV93]

I've been with my boyfriend for 14 months, we constantly fight but at the end we solve our problems, he is very jealous and I tend to feel guilty for the problems we have.
I was invited to my best friends birthday party and I was very excited. I invited my boyfriend to the party, he said he didn't want to go and gave lots of excuses, and he asked me not to go to the party because he was very sensitive because all the problems we had and that he was afraid I could cheat on him at the party. His uncle died, I stayed with him all friday, I supported him and everything was okay, but I still wanted to go to my bestfriend's party cuase I'm very introverted and I usually don't go to parties. Saturday came, we fought a lot but at the end we both went to the party and had fun, till the end of the night that we fought again...

The next day I tried to talk about the problem and he got really angry, we were on his room. He told me we would be okay after he makes me feel like he felt on saturday.

Then he told me to TAKE OUT MY PANTS. I said NO, I DON'T WANT TO.
He insisted, he looked at me with so much hate on his eyes. I thought that if I didn't do it, we would never solve our problem.
I repeated I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. And he insisted again...
so I felt traped, and I did it.
He closed the door, and I felt really frightened
I feared he would try to have sex with me to punish me or something but at that time I obviously didn't want to, and I feared I couldn't say no, just to try to be ok...
He got close to me and asked me what I thought he would do, I didn't knew.
Then he told me the way I was feeling was how he felt all the past week. That I made him do something that he didn't want to do (I think going to the party) and that now I knew how he felt.
I stared to cry, I tried to get out but he didn't let me, so I sat on the bed and cried. Then I was like in shock, I couln't move or talk or anything, I don't know what happened to me, I felt nothing, I just was there hearing him talk, looking at him. He was worried, he was crying, he felt guilty, he told me to forgive him, that he was a monster. I couldn't talk, then I cryied again, then laughed with no reason, then cryied again. I don't know how long I was like that.
After that he felt really guilty and I told him we would be okay. He tooked me to my home.
We planned not to talk for a week so we could think and forgive, we talked a little cuase my grandmother got sick and he came to my house yesterday and we acted like nothing happened, he is trying a lot to be okay with me. We are going to talk next monday.

MY QUESTION IS WHAT DO YOU THIK ABOUT WHAT HE DID? is it really bad? I don't know what to think, I feel like he humiliated me, that he hurt me on purpose like in a psychological way. I don't know if it's like a big red flag, or that if it's not a big deal.
I can't help feeling a little guilty.
I asked some friends and one of them told me that it is "normal" when your boyfriend asks you to get off your pants. So I'm confused...

PLEASE HELP I don't know if I got used to this kind of violence, or if it's no violence at all.

[lovemenot]

It is not normal at all. He clearly has issues with his jealousy. is there any reason for him to think you could cheat on him? did you cheat in the past? or maybe his ex cheated? where is all this jealousy coming from?
and he needs to learn to control that and also to manage his anger.

Get out of the relationship as soon as possible!
A partner should never abuse you in any way physically or emotionally. What he did was pure abuse and it's one of the biggest red flags that there is. Just leave him. But be careful so he doesn't hurt you.
And the relationship doesn't sound healthy at all. If you want to go to a party and he doesn't he shouldn't demand you not to go either just because he doesn't want to. As well as you shouldn't insist on him going there too if he doesn't want to. This particular situation is different though with his uncle dying just a day before the party, of course he wouldn't wanna go and honestly you probably shouldn't have gone too. Death of a relative is an extreme experience and you should have supported your bf through it, not drag him to a party. But what he did afterwards is just mental and emotional abuse - demanding you to take off your pants. What kind of friend told you that it's normal? It's only normal if bf asks that in bed or if you two are into the whole dominatrix thing, and even then if you say no then it's no. What he did was not normal in any way. He wanted to hurt you on purpose, honestly his behavior seems even psychotic to me.
Is this the first time he did something like that?
What is he like when you fight: Is he aggressive or mentally abuses you?
Does he put you down and blame you for the problems of your relationship without taking any of the blame himself?
Does he always make you feel guilty for all your fights?
Has his abusive behavior progressed since you started dating? f he does thing like that now, I could only imagine what he might do in the future and I would be afraid he could hurt you even physically..

All this kind of behavior is extremely unhealthy to the relationship and I consider it toxic and abusive and personally I would never stay with a person like that.

[shrah25]

I've been with my boyfriend for 14 months, we constantly fight but at the end we solve our problems, he is very jealous and I tend to feel guilty for the problems we have.
I was invited to my best friends birthday party and I was very excited. I invited my boyfriend to the party, he said he didn't want to go and gave lots of excuses, and he asked me not to go to the party because he was very sensitive because all the problems we had and that he was afraid I could cheat on him at the party. His uncle died, I stayed with him all friday, I supported him and everything was okay, but I still wanted to go to my bestfriend's party cuase I'm very introverted and I usually don't go to parties. Saturday came, we fought a lot but at the end we both went to the party and had fun, till the end of the night that we fought again...

The next day I tried to talk about the problem and he got really angry, we were on his room. He told me we would be okay after he makes me feel like he felt on saturday.

Then he told me to TAKE OUT MY PANTS. I said NO, I DON'T WANT TO.
He insisted, he looked at me with so much hate on his eyes. I thought that if I didn't do it, we would never solve our problem.
I repeated I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. And he insisted again...
so I felt traped, and I did it.
He closed the door, and I felt really frightened
I feared he would try to have sex with me to punish me or something but at that time I obviously didn't want to, and I feared I couldn't say no, just to try to be ok...
He got close to me and asked me what I thought he would do, I didn't knew.
Then he told me the way I was feeling was how he felt all the past week. That I made him do something that he didn't want to do (I think going to the party) and that now I knew how he felt.
I stared to cry, I tried to get out but he didn't let me, so I sat on the bed and cried. Then I was like in shock, I couln't move or talk or anything, I don't know what happened to me, I felt nothing, I just was there hearing him talk, looking at him. He was worried, he was crying, he felt guilty, he told me to forgive him, that he was a monster. I couldn't talk, then I cryied again, then laughed with no reason, then cryied again. I don't know how long I was like that.
After that he felt really guilty and I told him we would be okay. He tooked me to my home.
We planned not to talk for a week so we could think and forgive, we talked a little cuase my grandmother got sick and he came to my house yesterday and we acted like nothing happened, he is trying a lot to be okay with me. We are going to talk next monday.

MY QUESTION IS WHAT DO YOU THIK ABOUT WHAT HE DID? is it really bad? I don't know what to think, I feel like he humiliated me, that he hurt me on purpose like in a psychological way. I don't know if it's like a big red flag, or that if it's not a big deal.
I can't help feeling a little guilty.
I asked some friends and one of them told me that it is "normal" when your boyfriend asks you to get off your pants. So I'm confused...

PLEASE HELP I don't know if I got used to this kind of violence, or if it's no violence at all.

Hi There

Ok, i'm going to sum this up really quickly. In a nutshell, his behaviour is appalling and shouldn't be tolerated. Now just to be crystal clear, I totally understand how he would have felt. He's obviously hurting inside for a number of reasons. I'm a guy and and understand the psychology of men and I see this sort of behaviour a lot in my line of work (i'm a relationship coach), but its absolutely crucial that you elevate your sense of self worth and recognise that you deserve to be treated in a much better manner. I know how its easy to get completley emotionally attached to a relationship but by continuing on with this sort of relationship, you are indirectly saying to him that this sort of behaviour is acceptable on some level.
It sounds like you a fight a lot and if this is a common occurrence, you need to find a way to exit out of this relationship in a safe manner. Whether that's going and living with family or someone you can trust. If he tries to take it further, then police intervention may be required but you need to raise your standards and recognise that violence on any level is completely unacceptable!
Sending you lots of love and good wishes xo

[LunV93]

It is not normal at all. He clearly has issues with his jealousy. is there any reason for him to think you could cheat on him? did you cheat in the past? or maybe his ex cheated? where is all this jealousy coming from?
and he needs to learn to control that and also to manage his anger.

Get out of the relationship as soon as possible!
A partner should never abuse you in any way physically or emotionally. What he did was pure abuse and it's one of the biggest red flags that there is. Just leave him. But be careful so he doesn't hurt you.
And the relationship doesn't sound healthy at all. If you want to go to a party and he doesn't he shouldn't demand you not to go either just because he doesn't want to. As well as you shouldn't insist on him going there too if he doesn't want to. This particular situation is different though with his uncle dying just a day before the party, of course he wouldn't wanna go and honestly you probably shouldn't have gone too. Death of a relative is an extreme experience and you should have supported your bf through it, not drag him to a party. But what he did afterwards is just mental and emotional abuse - demanding you to take off your pants. What kind of friend told you that it's normal? It's only normal if bf asks that in bed or if you two are into the whole dominatrix thing, and even then if you say no then it's no. What he did was not normal in any way. He wanted to hurt you on purpose, honestly his behavior seems even psychotic to me.
Is this the first time he did something like that?
What is he like when you fight: Is he aggressive or mentally abuses you?
Does he put you down and blame you for the problems of your relationship without taking any of the blame himself?
Does he always make you feel guilty for all your fights?
Has his abusive behavior progressed since you started dating? f he does thing like that now, I could only imagine what he might do in the future and I would be afraid he could hurt you even physically..

All this kind of behavior is extremely unhealthy to the relationship and I consider it toxic and abusive and personally I would never stay with a person like that.

Well he says I'm like part guilty.
*When we were just 3 months together he found some texts in my phone with a guy that used to be my teacher, he was asking me questions of my life, he asked me if I had a boyfriend and I avoided the question, I dont know why I did it, it was wrong and Im sorry, I wasn't going to cheat on my boyfriend or anything like that, Im sure. I apologied and felt terrible, but we were going out just for 3 months, now we've been together more than a year, he should have forgive me or leave me, its ridiculous he is still angry for this.
Then months later, my boyfriend got really angry because I had my ex boyfriend on facebook, I didn't wanted to block him at first and we had a big fight... I finally blocked him.
*I met a guy (with his girlfriend) and he wanted to study at my school, so I gave him my phone number, my boyfriend got angry, I erased him...
*He told me his ex girlfriends treated him bad, and one of them cheated on him. His dad cheats on his mom, etc...

I tend to feel guilty and to think he is right, he tends to break up with me and it ends with me telling him to stay with me and he forgiving everything... I know we both have mistakes, I'm not perfect eather.
But this is the fist time he does something like this and I'm scared he could do worse things, but I don't know, I don't think he is capable of hurting me, he is not a monster, we have beautiful moments and we love each other.

Anyway, thank you. I know this situation looks really bad. And you telling me this is NO normal and that IT IS abusive does help me. Thanks a lot

[shrah25]

Well he says I'm like part guilty.
*When we were just 3 months together he found some texts in my phone with a guy that used to be my teacher, he was asking me questions of my life, he asked me if I had a boyfriend and I avoided the question, I dont know why I did it, it was wrong and Im sorry, I wasn't going to cheat on my boyfriend or anything like that, Im sure. I apologied and felt terrible, but we were going out just for 3 months, now we've been together more than a year, he should have forgive me or leave me, its ridiculous he is still angry for this.
Then months later, my boyfriend got really angry because I had my ex boyfriend on facebook, I didn't wanted to block him at first and we had a big fight... I finally blocked him.
*I met a guy (with his girlfriend) and he wanted to study at my school, so I gave him my phone number, my boyfriend got angry, I erased him...
*He told me his ex girlfriends treated him bad, and one of them cheated on him. His dad cheats on his mom, etc...

I tend to feel guilty and to think he is right, he tends to break up with me and it ends with me telling him to stay with me and he forgiving everything... I know we both have mistakes, I'm not perfect eather.
But this is the fist time he does something like this and I'm scared he could do worse things, but I don't know, I don't think he is capable of hurting me, he is not a monster, we have beautiful moments and we love each other.

Anyway, thank you. I know this situation looks really bad. And you telling me this is NO normal and that IT IS abusive does help me. Thanks a lot

I think we all have our moments in a relationship and the truth is, relationships often can bring out the pain that already exist within us. It's clear he has some massive insecurities and self worth issues and he is just projecting that onto you. As a result, you are harbouring guilt. The problem here though is that, this sort of behaviour is not conducive to a healthy relationship. PERIOD! As long as he holds onto these feelings and you harbour guilt, then the relationship is heading down the wrong path.

All the very best!

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Well he says I'm like part guilty.
*When we were just 3 months together he found some texts in my phone with a guy that used to be my teacher, he was asking me questions of my life, he asked me if I had a boyfriend and I avoided the question, I dont know why I did it, it was wrong and Im sorry, I wasn't going to cheat on my boyfriend or anything like that, Im sure. I apologied and felt terrible, but we were going out just for 3 months, now we've been together more than a year, he should have forgive me or leave me, its ridiculous he is still angry for this.
Then months later, my boyfriend got really angry because I had my ex boyfriend on facebook, I didn't wanted to block him at first and we had a big fight... I finally blocked him.
*I met a guy (with his girlfriend) and he wanted to study at my school, so I gave him my phone number, my boyfriend got angry, I erased him...
*He told me his ex girlfriends treated him bad, and one of them cheated on him. His dad cheats on his mom, etc...

I tend to feel guilty and to think he is right, he tends to break up with me and it ends with me telling him to stay with me and he forgiving everything... I know we both have mistakes, I'm not perfect eather.
But this is the fist time he does something like this and I'm scared he could do worse things, but I don't know, I don't think he is capable of hurting me, he is not a monster, we have beautiful moments and we love each other.

Anyway, thank you. I know this situation looks really bad. And you telling me this is NO normal and that IT IS abusive does help me. Thanks a lot

BTW, what are you planning to do about this situation?
THanks

[Hooo!]

this is violence ofc.
but totally beside the point

what do you want?

[LunV93]

I think we all have our moments in a relationship and the truth is, relationships often can bring out the pain that already exist within us. It's clear he has some massive insecurities and self worth issues and he is just projecting that onto you. As a result, you are harbouring guilt. The problem here though is that, this sort of behaviour is not conducive to a healthy relationship. PERIOD! As long as he holds onto these feelings and you harbour guilt, then the relationship is heading down the wrong path.

All the very best!

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BTW, what are you planning to do about this situation?
THanks

I don't know, I talked to him and we are going to try to forgive and stay together, I think I'm going to give my relationship one more chance. Maybe deep inside I know we are going to keep fighting, and now I know what he did is definitely violence and horrible. If I feel something like that again I'll be brave and put and end to this. Thanks a lot for your advice!

[shrah25]

I don't know, I talked to him and we are going to try to forgive and stay together, I think I'm going to give my relationship one more chance. Maybe deep inside I know we are going to keep fighting, and now I know what he did is definitely violence and horrible. If I feel something like that again I'll be brave and put and end to this. Thanks a lot for your advice!

Ok sure thing - all the best. One question I have which you might want to think about is - if you had a daughter or someone close to you going through the same situation as you, what advice would you give them?
Might put things in context for you...

Good luck

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I don't know, I talked to him and we are going to try to forgive and stay together, I think I'm going to give my relationship one more chance. Maybe deep inside I know we are going to keep fighting, and now I know what he did is definitely violence and horrible. If I feel something like that again I'll be brave and put and end to this. Thanks a lot for your advice!

Ok sure thing - all the best. One question I have which you might want to think about is - if you had a daughter or someone close to you going through the same situation as you, what advice would you give them?
Might put things in context for you...

Good luck

[TheEvilJester]

If you want to stay with him and give him another chance, that is up to you. None of us can tell you what to do, we can only offer our personal thoughts and advice. So, you do have to do what feels right for you. To be honest, though, I cannot in good conscience personally offer any advice other than that you should not stay with this guy. You can come up with any of a million excuses for what he did.... and Hell, one/some of them could be true.... but it doesn't matter. It doesn't make what he did okay. Not in the slightest.

Frankly, even his justification for doing it seems pathetic and ridiculous. So, you make him do something he doesn't want to do...... in the form of going to a party. So, he thinks fair is fair and makes you do something you don't want.... in the form of (at the very least) making you think he was going to force himself on you. He didn't actually go far as to force sexual acts upon you.... but he very obviously wanted you to think that was what was about to happen. That's at least psychological abuse. How does your supposed "crime" fit that punishment? If he went to the party with you and then later acted all grumpy and mopey and treated you like a jerk, then I'd say he is being ridiculous and immature..... but it is something where maybe you can give him the benefit of the doubt, talk about it, and work through it. Instead, he had a very violent, abusive reaction and did something that scared you and made you feel unsafe. Does that really sound like qualities you want in somebody who is supposed to be your partner?

Not to mention, may I point out that nobody had a gun to his head (as far as I know, anyway). So, you didn't MAKE him do anything he didn't want. You asked him to go, he didn't want to, but he made the decision to go anyway, presumably because he was doing it FOR you.... but apparently he was doing it just so he could punish you for it.

Again, at the end of the day you have to do what feels right for you. If you wish to give him a chance to prove he's not a monster, then that is up to you. If that is the case, I wish you the best, but also hope you at least care enough about yourself to get out of the situation if nothing improves (or, worse still, if it only escalates).

[pcmaster]

Well he didnt use force so it was up to you. You listened to him so blame yourself.

For example no one can tell me what to do. People can say please or give suggestions. But if someone command me, I say - I dont do requests.

[Hooo!]

lool no. you can violate and harm a person with words as deep as you can harm them with your fists.
You can make people blow themselves up in a room full of children with words.

that is totally wrong. you can violate a person to a degree where they become your emotional slaves without using "physical force" at any rate.
I am not going into detail how - because that is despicable - but you can do it
and its evil.

The real question however you identified right: does she wanna take it - or no.
Or to put it in my words: what does she want?

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with the post above me. Whether or not she was perfectly capable of just telling him to go F off doesn't change the fact of what he did. It doesn't change the fact that his actions made her feel threatened and unsafe. I could be wrong, but from the way she described it, I get the impression that she at least in part actually feared what he might do if she refused and/or tried to leave. So, I cannot agree with any implication that she was even partially to blame. Sure, she could have refused, she could have stood her ground.... but she was put in a position where she actually feared for her safety if she did. Nobody should ever be put in a situation like that, and least of all from somebody who is supposed to love and care for them.