Personality Disorder

[ddh]

I have been dating a woman for about a year and eight months. We met through work and were both in unhappy relationships. After getting to know each other, we discovered we had a great deal in common and immensely enjoyed each other's company. Romantic feelings developed, but we decided to keep things platonic. After several months, we realized that we could no longer ignore our feelings. We broke up up with our respective partners and entered into a relationship. It was not a decision that was made lightly. There was a lot of guilt involved. It was also problematic in terms of practicality. She lived with her boyfriend, with whom she has three children, and would financially struggle living on her own. I offered to help her get a place of her own, as did her parents. She continued to live with him for ten more months despite my offers. Her living situation caused me substantial anxiety. Then she moved in with her cousin, who lived with her then-fiance and two kids. I was not welcome to their home because they "don't know me." They are rural and don't trust strangers. So in all of this time I have never been to where she lives.

Her cousin got married in January. My girlfriend was the maid of honor. I was invited as far back as July, and I thought it would be a good chance to finally meet her. About five days before the wedding, her cousin uninvited me. The fiance had invited some coworkers at the last minute, and now their guest list was too large. Apparently if they went over a certain number of guests, it would cost them an additional four hundred dollars. They also uninvited several other family members. I guess uninviting the coworkers wasn't something they were willing to do. Money is very tight for them, so I have offered to pay half, and they could pay me back the other half. This way nobody would be removed from the guest list. They turned my offer down, and I was unable to attend the wedding.

I finally met her cousin several weeks ago at a bar near their home, which is about 45 minutes from where I live. It was a disaster. There was a snowstorm that evening, and I ended up sliding into a curb and cracking the rim on my car. I was very grouchy. I didn't say or do anything horrible--I was just grumpy and unpleasant to be around. I know the cracked rim lent itself to my bad mood, but I also think I was feeling bitter towards her cousin about the wedding and the fact that I have never been allowed over there. Her cousin hates me now and told my girlfriend that she should break up with me. My girlfriend actually did initially, but then realized the absurdity in breaking up with me for being a grouch, particularly when that's not my normal behavior. That evening was an outlier. I even asked if I said or did anything particularly wrong. I hadn't. My girlfriend also realized it was ridiculous to take advice from a woman who was bragging about hitting her husband that very evening. This couple fights a lot. There is name-calling and general disrespect, and it sometimes gets violent. He has hit her. He has even bit her. My girlfriend and I have a very loving, sweet, and respectful relationship.

My girlfriend is a very good person. She is kind, gentle, and caring. I've always been perplexed by some of her decisions, as they have caused me a great deal of pain. Living with her ex-boyfriend and breaking up with me at the urging of her cousin are two examples. She also has refused to ask her ex for child support or ask him to take more responsibility with the kids. He watches them for a few hours in the morning a couple of days a week at best. This obviously makes it difficult to spend time with her. At times she seems determined to confront him about child support and assuming more responsibility, but then she doesn't follow through. He's not a very good guy, so I though she might be scared of him, but that's not the issue. About a year ago after being perplexed by her behavior for so long, I did some research, and she quite likely has Avoidant Personality Disorder, although she has never been formally diagnosed. She has the tell-tale signs, and her mother was unloving and cruel to her growing up, which is often the root cause of the disorder. She's thought about seeing a therapist, but hasn't followed through yet.

My girlfriend does not think her cousin's house is a good place to raise her three kids. She wants to move out. She wants her ex to assume more responsibility. She says she loves me and wants to be with me. I love her very much and want nothing more than to be with her. It feels like my life has been put on hold, though. I want to make plans for the future. What should I do?

[Hooo!]

Reading through all of that I have just to ask you one thing :
What exactly is your problem?

[pcmaster]

I dont know what you should do. It seems like your GF is taking decisions independently from you and you are just there sticking around. I think you should have voice too. If she dont take you as equal in decision making then it seems like you are alone with your plans and what you want.

This girl have kids and ex who will always be part of her life. That makes it harder for her to make new relationships with guys and its hard on you cause you now have this girl with all the baggage. I think you have to decide it is worth it for you or not.
Perhaps you just dont want to be alone or are clinging to this girl. I dont know how old are you but might be there are girls who are without kids at your age or at least easier to deal with. You are just dating so its easy for you to quit and date other girls.
Anyway I think she have to take you more seriously otherwise you cant take seriously her.