Partner is confused

[myles983]

My partner and I have been together just under a year and a half, and recently she told me that she didn't quite love me the same as she used to.
She's a full time university student at a campus an hour away, and I'm an apprentice engineer who works full time all week, so we don't get to see each other too often as money is tight and we're both at incredibly busy stages of our lives, which we both realise.
When she sat down and told me she saw me as a best friend instead of a lover, I took that as she had fallen out if love with me and wanted to break up. She didn't see it that way however, and said she still loves me, but she can't see our future together, adding that at this current stage in her life she can't see her full stop, let alone with specific people.
I told her that what she was probably experiencing was getting comfortable in the relationship, however a little while after she told me about how she felt, she commented on making a new friend at one of the social night's in the town. I've noticed she's texting him a lot, and she often goes round to his house and plays games with him. I feel quite jealous of him, seeing her more than I do, but I trust her and feel she isn't the type to cheat.
Last night it all came to a head, and I made a surprise visit to see her with some flowers, as a last ditch attempt to try and get rid of the feelings she feels, but later on in the evening, we ended up back on the topic of whether or not breaking up is a good idea. We don't want to drag it out and make it more painful for both of us, but after numerous attempts by me to bring the relationship to a close, she talks me back into staying, and I agree with everything she makes points of.
We're both only young, Me 19 and her 18, and I understand that she might want to go out and do things and experience stuff that relationships stop you from doing typically, but I've never stopped her doing anything before, and feel like if this was a real problem, it would have showed itself before, as she's nearly been at uni for a year now.

I'd just like some advice really. I've spoken to parents and they all say the same things, but I want someone with a fresh perspective to take a look at the situation and offer some impartial thoughts.
Thanks in advance,
Myles.

[Hooo!]

This is difficult
sometimes i think the answer to peoples problems are simple. Maybe it is here too, but i dont see it.
Your girlfriend is not sure about her feelings anymore
however she doesnt wanna quit
however she also likes new men in her life and probably at least in her mind is thinking about cheating.

I personally think you have gone into routine and that this is boring to her.
Possibly regarding sexual routine too.
However we dont know anything about her side of the story so it could be anything.
I think that your connection is not suffering but maybe it is your seduction and attraction.

She is young. Maybe she needs a little exitement in her life? Maybe she wants to experience NEW things?
im just guessing wildly here.
It could be anything.

If you want to take it while it lasts then do so
if you want to bring fresh wind into the relationship - then do so
if you two dont have an outlook together then evaluate why that is. Is it because she cant picture her future anyways or is it because she somehow feels you are nice for now - but not her man for ever? What is it that she is missing?
If you want to get closure: really worm it out of her. What does she want? How come it is that way? What is she missing? What are her fantasies? How does she want her life to be like (and her man to be like)? She will probably not like to answer those questions. So i reccomend you stay nosy if you really want to have closure - and i reccoment against it if you dont.

[myles983]

Thanks for the reply Hooo! I think I can answer some of these questions already:
Routine boring her is a possibility. We can't help that though. We go out on dates regularly, the norm is to watch a movie, but we dont always do that, sometimes substituting it for a walk or playing some sort of game or something that we haven't done in a while. We try and mix it up, because we see couples,such as her parents, falling into a routine of date night's and movie night's and so forth, And we don't want that. We keep it sporadic.
Sexually, it's difficult because she says that she has only ever reached climax with me, but likes to stick to the same positions to get her Off, because some hurt her, And some turn her off. We've tried spicing it up with clothing and stuff like that, and she just becomes self conscious and upset despite the fact she always has and ,always will have, my tongue wagging ferrociously. And then sex stops when she gets upset.
All I know from her side is that she just doesn't lust for me anymore, and I think that upsets her. She pins all this on herself, but she can't help how she feels, and it's starting to make me feel the same too.
I'm going to try getting it out of her tonight. She's currently at her new friends house. She told me that the reason she didn't want me coming up so much was because she has work to do, which I understand entirely, and the only time she has off is when I'm working. I'll admit, I should have made more of an effort what with booking days off and going to see her, but at the frequency of visits that I think would keep her happy, i wouldn't have any holidays left by the end of March each year! But she's said tonight that she's going to take her laptop to study whilst she's there. I get it when she says "I don't want you up here whilst I'm studying, as I want to spend time with You." But i don't get why she will study around her new male friend and not me?
Thank you for the suggestions. My being is that I have to know what the cause of a problem is, which suits my career fine, but things like this really get to me.

[shrah25]

Thanks for the reply Hooo! I think I can answer some of these questions already:
Routine boring her is a possibility. We can't help that though. We go out on dates regularly, the norm is to watch a movie, but we dont always do that, sometimes substituting it for a walk or playing some sort of game or something that we haven't done in a while. We try and mix it up, because we see couples,such as her parents, falling into a routine of date night's and movie night's and so forth, And we don't want that. We keep it sporadic.
Sexually, it's difficult because she says that she has only ever reached climax with me, but likes to stick to the same positions to get her Off, because some hurt her, And some turn her off. We've tried spicing it up with clothing and stuff like that, and she just becomes self conscious and upset despite the fact she always has and ,always will have, my tongue wagging ferrociously. And then sex stops when she gets upset.
All I know from her side is that she just doesn't lust for me anymore, and I think that upsets her. She pins all this on herself, but she can't help how she feels, and it's starting to make me feel the same too.
I'm going to try getting it out of her tonight. She's currently at her new friends house. She told me that the reason she didn't want me coming up so much was because she has work to do, which I understand entirely, and the only time she has off is when I'm working. I'll admit, I should have made more of an effort what with booking days off and going to see her, but at the frequency of visits that I think would keep her happy, i wouldn't have any holidays left by the end of March each year! But she's said tonight that she's going to take her laptop to study whilst she's there. I get it when she says "I don't want you up here whilst I'm studying, as I want to spend time with You." But i don't get why she will study around her new male friend and not me?
Thank you for the suggestions. My being is that I have to know what the cause of a problem is, which suits my career fine, but things like this really get to me.

Hi [MENTION=85344]myles983[/MENTION]

First of all, thank you for your messages and your openness and honesty. I also commend you for wanting to improve your situation because a lot of men in your situation would end up letting things drift and then wonder why the relationship ended. So good on you.

Now there are a couple of things at play here.
Firstly, the age aspect is important. Between the ages of 18 and 22, we undergo some massive shifts but this can impact people in different ways depending on how they are wired. But for simplicity sake, this stage of most peoples lives represents a time where they have matured into young adults and learning to stand on their own two feet. This results in a sense of freedom and hence, anytime a relationship starts to get tricky, the tendency can be to break free - usually by one of the parties involved.

The other thing is that, the reason why she feels like she sees you as her best friend and not necessarily a lover is because you aren't bringing your masculine presence and strength into the relationship. Women change their minds all the time - this is part of the feminine energy but to counter and balance that, a strong masculine presence is required so that she feels secure, supported and taken care of. Most guys haven't got a clue about how to strike the balance here and that's why the old saying "nice guys finish last" is true in society.

My advice would be to truly understand her needs. Really be present and listen. Find out what her pains are. Be a detective and make a commitment to figure out how to serve her needs in a way that she needs them, not in how you think they should be met.

It could very well be that her life situation right now means that she needs to explore and discover herself but despite this, you can absolutely give yourself the best chance by practicing and executing what I mentioned above.

Does this make sense?

Thanks

[myles983]

Hi shrah25, thanks for the reply.

First off, I totally agree with you on the age part: we met when I was 18 and she was 17. We went to school together, but never really spoke much since we were in different friendship groups. Coming together after meeting again online however, and she didn't realise how I was as a person. I'm not the stereotypical male that oogles women, shouts obsceneties and other typical behaviour that guys think is cool to exhibit in public or behind closed doors. I was raised to respect everyone, especially those you love, so I gave her the all my care and attention. At this time she was living at home and in college locally, so it was easier to see her after work. We spent way too much time together looking back on it now, and that's probably bad at that age and so early into the relationship. As we've grown over the year, we have matured massively, both in mental respect and also relationship terms. The whole social ring surrounding universities is alcohol, sex, and education. To me, that isnt fun. I'm not one to go out clubbing, but im not one to sleep around either. Sex for me is massively important, and is wasted on someone you truly dont care about, hence the reason i never have sex with someone unless we're in a relationship, as it runs much more deeply. Ultimately, we grew too old too fast under the conditions we are in at this moment in time.

With regards to the masculine strength and presence: is picking her up and having passionate sex with her classed as masculine? Is opening doors for her and helping her with assignments classed as the same? The fact im asking such questions could actually indicate that you are correct, and i wasn't masculine enough for her. I try to keep my body in good shape, and i train regularly, but maybe there's more to it. I like that you mentioned the "Nice guys finish last" phrase. Its made me realise that you're totally right and I am too nice for my own good sometimes... I always offered to pay for things, but was happy to accept splitting the bill for various items every once and a while. We had that kind of relationship.

As for trying to understand her needs, her needs were someone who can be there for her when shes upset, and stressed with work, or someone that goes out with her and gets drunk and enjoys the scene, someone who tells her how they feel, rather than shutting her out and then leaking little bits of information, something that I had actively set about working on, but it was too little too late.

She left with her new male friend and was giving me short and sharp replies, and then eventually no replies. So I called her and asked her if she was alright. She said she was fine, and it was at that point I broke the relationship off. I had seriously tried, but when she was with him she didn't seem the same to me.

I fell in love with a girl that liked going on walks, flower pressing, playing with her cats, and having cuddles in bed whilst watching a movie. I broke up with a girl that has a massive workload, enjoyed going out and getting drunk with her friends, and spent more time with another guy because her boyfriend couldn't be there when she needed him to be. And thats ok. But it hurts. So much... And I'm seriously stuck as to where to go from here. We tried talking about it, but she made it clear that she loves me but doesn't think theres any chance of reigniting the spark. So I've spent most of the night awake, analysing the relationship, crying with happiness at the good times, and getting progressively more and more wound up that I couldn't be the man she needed me to be.

Myles.

[Hooo!]

read and google the pdf "Sex god method pdf"
as stupid as the title sounds it has some good stuff in it. Most of that even not explicitly sexual but on a more mental level.

[myles983]

read and google the pdf "Sex god method pdf"
as stupid as the title sounds it has some good stuff in it. Most of that even not explicitly sexual but on a more mental level.

I've read the first 60 pages or so, and I'm uncertain on some of the methods and their compatibility with my now ex girlfriend, but I will study the book some more and potentially put it to the test. Have you put anything in this to practice?

[pcmaster]

Well man she was slowly dumping you already long time ago. She didnt broke up with you instantly but waited till she was sure she dont need you. Thats how girls does it. Having a friend with who she spend a lot of time was a red flag but you allowed it. Anyway shes full of shit by saying she loves you cause when you love someone theres always a way to work things out. #

When meeting someone only once a week theres enough time to learn how to live without that person. She learned to live without you.

To be honest she deserves to be forgotten and not be contacted again.

At this age its normal that girls come and go. Shouldnt be hard for you to find a new girl. I suggest to start with local girls as it will be much easier and faster to meet when you want to.

[myles983]

I went and saw her parents to say thank you for everything they've done for me, and her mum was extremely upset, and said "i get the impression she's known for a while she doesn't want a relationship, so I'm upset with her for stringing you along like she has."

I'm not the kind of person to sleep around or talk to girls in general if I'm honest, so I think this is it for me in terms of relationships. I don't fancy being in this position again. I'll sacrifice offspring and a companion for the fact I don't wake up one day and find the companion has changed her mind and doesn't love me anymore.

[pcmaster]

Good for yo Myles. Something to learn from. Next time you will see red flags and cut BS off faster.

- - - Updated - - -

Take time to heal until you are ready to love and trust again.

[shrah25]

Hi shrah25, thanks for the reply.

First off, I totally agree with you on the age part: we met when I was 18 and she was 17. We went to school together, but never really spoke much since we were in different friendship groups. Coming together after meeting again online however, and she didn't realise how I was as a person. I'm not the stereotypical male that oogles women, shouts obsceneties and other typical behaviour that guys think is cool to exhibit in public or behind closed doors. I was raised to respect everyone, especially those you love, so I gave her the all my care and attention. At this time she was living at home and in college locally, so it was easier to see her after work. We spent way too much time together looking back on it now, and that's probably bad at that age and so early into the relationship. As we've grown over the year, we have matured massively, both in mental respect and also relationship terms. The whole social ring surrounding universities is alcohol, sex, and education. To me, that isnt fun. I'm not one to go out clubbing, but im not one to sleep around either. Sex for me is massively important, and is wasted on someone you truly dont care about, hence the reason i never have sex with someone unless we're in a relationship, as it runs much more deeply. Ultimately, we grew too old too fast under the conditions we are in at this moment in time.

With regards to the masculine strength and presence: is picking her up and having passionate sex with her classed as masculine? Is opening doors for her and helping her with assignments classed as the same? The fact im asking such questions could actually indicate that you are correct, and i wasn't masculine enough for her. I try to keep my body in good shape, and i train regularly, but maybe there's more to it. I like that you mentioned the "Nice guys finish last" phrase. Its made me realise that you're totally right and I am too nice for my own good sometimes... I always offered to pay for things, but was happy to accept splitting the bill for various items every once and a while. We had that kind of relationship.

As for trying to understand her needs, her needs were someone who can be there for her when shes upset, and stressed with work, or someone that goes out with her and gets drunk and enjoys the scene, someone who tells her how they feel, rather than shutting her out and then leaking little bits of information, something that I had actively set about working on, but it was too little too late.

She left with her new male friend and was giving me short and sharp replies, and then eventually no replies. So I called her and asked her if she was alright. She said she was fine, and it was at that point I broke the relationship off. I had seriously tried, but when she was with him she didn't seem the same to me.

I fell in love with a girl that liked going on walks, flower pressing, playing with her cats, and having cuddles in bed whilst watching a movie. I broke up with a girl that has a massive workload, enjoyed going out and getting drunk with her friends, and spent more time with another guy because her boyfriend couldn't be there when she needed him to be. And thats ok. But it hurts. So much... And I'm seriously stuck as to where to go from here. We tried talking about it, but she made it clear that she loves me but doesn't think theres any chance of reigniting the spark. So I've spent most of the night awake, analysing the relationship, crying with happiness at the good times, and getting progressively more and more wound up that I couldn't be the man she needed me to be.

Myles.

Hi [MENTION=85344]myles983[/MENTION]

Apologies for the delay in getting back to your message.

I totally hear you when it comes to not being the stereotypical male that is the loud, obnoxious one at the parties and shouts obscenities. In fact, these sorts of guys ultimately finish last and rarely create a true, 2-way passionate, loving relationship because they rarely know how to tap into their sensitive caring side which you also need in a relationship. Yes, I know it can sound a little confusing at times, but it really isn't. It's all about knowing how to push the right buttons at the right time.

Ok, the masculine energy concept is important and it goes a little deeper than some of the superficial behaviours such as opening doors and helping with assignments. The short of it is that the behaviours you have demonstrated are chivalrous but may not necessarily be helping with creating that 'spark' that you need to create true attraction and passion. Masculine energy is about presence. It's about being a rock. It's about breaking through and being unshakeable, yet demonstrating that you will love and care for the other person in a way that no-one else can.

In terms of the future, I totally understand the temptation to do the 'post mortem' and surprisingly, in this case, I don't think it's actually too bad an idea - on the proviso though, that you are using the experience to learn and grow, rather than just indulging in the pain. There are probably a few things that you can do here to develop some of the skills to attract the right kind of woman into your life, yet knowing how to become the right person for them so that you can create a true loving relationship. Feel free to flick me an email at sri@srcoaching.co.nz and I can point you in the direction of some cool free resources that will be able to help you on your path.

Cheers
Sri

[myles983]

So we spent most of the early hours of this morning talking... I don't know if that was the right thing to be doing since now I'm even more upset...

[Hooo!]

yes. and the main thing being the idea of domination and variety (for me)

im not a fan of litterally doing anything. Im a fan of understanding how it works and applying the principle.
and i have applied the principles to the best of my ability.

i think talking is good. However seduction attraction and male energy are better. Making her want you, making her horny. Being cool with it.
Id probably talk about all the sexual fantasies shes had and has never fullfilled with you.

It doesnt matter if you are a loud male or whatever, as long as you lead her. She is needing that. She needs to be attracted and seduced and told what to do (obviously) and my guess is that shes not getting it.

[myles983]

I'll bare that in mind.
I've spoken to her about it and she agreed I was too passive. But for now I've cut all contact with her since she's clearly much happier without me and I don't need to see that. She considers me her "best friend", and that puts me in the awkward friendzone position. So it's either all or nothing for the time being. Nothing being the way forward for the foreseeable future.

[Hooo!]

Wait. So she tells you you are to passive
And your reaction is to be passive and go away?

Well that seems logical to me
Seems like you really like her and really wanna be with her and give it your best