I am having regrets about my decision to marry but I don't want to

[reman1]

Hello everyone,

I am writing because I find myself in a very difficult situation. Let me first explain that in my culture, we do not normally date before getting married but there is a lot of talking to one another to get to know the other person.

I met this girl who I was very impressed by in terms of the interest she showed (and still shows) in me, by her love for me, and also because I found the two of us have a great deal in common (and it is the kind of things or quirks you keep to yourself but which secretly define you). I also found she was not at all materialistic and was more interested in being loved and receiving affection. Looks wise, she also seemed fine.

The one big mistake I made was that I did not see her in person because both our parents did not allow it. When I actually went to see her, I found she was a lot more overweight than I thought, which really shook my resolve to marry her. Her sister acknowledged that this girl (now my wife) was wrong not to have told me of her weight issue but then also told me that she was only like this due to a temporary medical condition. After a lot of thinking and soul searching, I decided to still marry her, hoping that her weight will go back to normal.

Now, I am ashamed to admit it, but I often find myself looking at other women (which further adds to my regrets and shame) and I have even contemplated going to an escort just so I can know what it is like to sleep with someone who has the body type I like just so I know what that feels like. Needless to say, I feel awful just thinking about that and I feel like a horrible person.

My question is, what on earth am I meant to do ? We are living in different countries, and my wife even said I could divorce her if her weight doesn't return to normal and that she won't ask for anything monetary from me if I do. The thing is, when I do even think about divorce, I begin to cry because I can't imagine leaving her alone and I feel like a shallow jerk who only cares about looks. I also know that if I did leave her, my wife will be very emotionally scarred and likely won't recover. Yet, I find myself struggling to be attracted to her in her present condition. Should I just stick with this and do my best to make this marriage work ? Am I wrong to have the thoughts that I do ?

[shrah25]

Hello everyone,

I am writing because I find myself in a very difficult situation. Let me first explain that in my culture, we do not normally date before getting married but there is a lot of talking to one another to get to know the other person.

I met this girl who I was very impressed by in terms of the interest she showed (and still shows) in me, by her love for me, and also because I found the two of us have a great deal in common (and it is the kind of things or quirks you keep to yourself but which secretly define you). I also found she was not at all materialistic and was more interested in being loved and receiving affection. Looks wise, she also seemed fine.

The one big mistake I made was that I did not see her in person because both our parents did not allow it. When I actually went to see her, I found she was a lot more overweight than I thought, which really shook my resolve to marry her. Her sister acknowledged that this girl (now my wife) was wrong not to have told me of her weight issue but then also told me that she was only like this due to a temporary medical condition. After a lot of thinking and soul searching, I decided to still marry her, hoping that her weight will go back to normal.

Now, I am ashamed to admit it, but I often find myself looking at other women (which further adds to my regrets and shame) and I have even contemplated going to an escort just so I can know what it is like to sleep with someone who has the body type I like just so I know what that feels like. Needless to say, I feel awful just thinking about that and I feel like a horrible person.

My question is, what on earth am I meant to do ? We are living in different countries, and my wife even said I could divorce her if her weight doesn't return to normal and that she won't ask for anything monetary from me if I do. The thing is, when I do even think about divorce, I begin to cry because I can't imagine leaving her alone and I feel like a shallow jerk who only cares about looks. I also know that if I did leave her, my wife will be very emotionally scarred and likely won't recover. Yet, I find myself struggling to be attracted to her in her present condition. Should I just stick with this and do my best to make this marriage work ? Am I wrong to have the thoughts that I do ?

Hi [MENTION=80611]reman1[/MENTION]

Thanks for your message. I know exactly what you are referring to. I come from an Indian background and whilst I live in NZ and didn't get married through the traditional indian way, I completely understand the marriage approach that you described above.

What you're going through is all too common. I see it all the time in my culture where individuals marry someone, yet suppress the natural instincts and feelings that they have.

What you are now feeling is how a lot of males in your position would feel. The desire to be with someone who you have more of a desire to be with on a physical level - yet, wanting to care for and protect your wife and not make her feel heartbroken.
I'm not judging you in anyway because we are all humans and as I mentioned above, it happens so often.

Now, in order to move forward from this - you have three options.

1) Do nothing - you leave the situation as it is and then run the risk of having a completely unfulfilling marriage where you eventually just become room mates and ultimately, you will both become immuned to the pain that you feel, eventually feeling dead inside
2) You choose to divorce her which, whilst bringing more pain at the start, you allow yourself to make a decision that aligns with how you're feeling right now. There will be a whole host of other thoughts and emotions that you will be flooded with but it ensures that you don't extend the pain for you and your wife
3) You decide to honour your commitment as a husband and truly get to know your wife on the inside. In the early stages, physical attraction is considered when you are in a relationship however over the long run, looks do subside and you need something of more substance to get you through those times.

I have a couple of questions for you:

1) Do you love this woman?
2) How long have you been married for?

I've got a few resources I can supply you with for free so if you are interested, feel free to flick me an email at sri@srcoaching.co.nz

Cheers
Sri

[MarcusF78]

Physical attraction is a big part of a rrelationship. A friend of mine once said if the physical attraction were to go away for whatever reason she wouldn't go on with her husband. Your circumstance is different in that you never had a chance to see this girl to say for yourself if it was there to begin with. How long have you been married now? Have you spoken to her about it? Is she doing anything to try to lose some of the weight? I feel that if you stay and nothing changes as far as her weight goes you might get resentful toward her, you have alrwady had thoughts of cheating, which might get stronger or go away depending what kind of a person you are. That is a very bad thing...I find that your courage to try to stuck it out is incredible. I don't belive in divorce myself but I'm not you and nothing even remotely close to your situation. I wish you the best of luck and I wish I could be of more help. I can't even begin to say what I would so in your situation. I've hurt my present wife on some very deep levels and she chose to stay anyway...so she deserves my best forever. It's hard to live with hurting someone deeply.