Emotional Cheater

[Jolene576]

My husband has had emotional affairs during our marriage and has physically cheated once during the dating time while in a serious committed relationship (which was disclosed to the me 9 years into our marriage). While he says he's never crossed the line physically during the marriage, there has been a series of lies associated with the emotional affairs that have been verified, making it difficult for me to believe him.

We have been married for almost 12 years. About a year into the marriage, my husband's ex-girlfriend starting calling our house. She had recently moved to the US. He said she didn't know anyone and she felt lonely and sad. I didn’t think much of it and he didn't seem to be trying to hide it at all. He eventually admitted he thought she was getting attached to him and I told him it would be best to end the friendship and not lead her on anymore.

Then about a year later, my husband went to a foreign country for research. He was there for two months. While there, he met a girl who was going through a rough time. She was a single mom who's husband had just left her. He spent time with her, walking with her after his soccer games and spending time on her porch talking to her, although he says there were people around during these times. The last night he was there she came and offered him "something to remember her by" and she wanted to give it to him in his room. He said he refused to let her in and she hung around for about 45 minutes until he final convinced her to leave. He walked her to the gate and then went to kiss her on the cheek (customary), and she turned her head and their mouths met halfway across the lips. He said that was all that happened. Later, I found a letter from the girl. It was in Spanish. I asked her husband why he was saving it and he said it wasn’t important so I asked him to throw it away. He refused. I asked if he would read it to me and tell me what it said (I don't speak Spanish). He refused and a fight ensued. He tore up the letter and threw it in the trash.

Six years later (8 years into the marriage), my husband came to me and told me he has been messaging another ex-girlfriend on Facebook and that it's been going on for around about 4 or 5 weeks and that he let it go too far and they ended up telling each other they want to be with each other and that they are in love with each other. When she wanted to come see him, he decided he didn't want to be with her and so he decided to tell me.

However, at the same time, he decided to also confess that while they were dating, he had had sex with another girl while doing research in another foreign country.

I was devastated and hurt. I felt betrayed and that my trust was broken. I had a hard time looking at him the same way. After some time, I finally forgave him, and he promised it would never happen again. We reconciled. But it didn't really go away. My heart was still hurting but I felt she had to forgive him for his sake, because he was sad about it. I had to convince him to end communication with the ex-girlfriend. He did not want to stop talking to her.

Three and half years later (11 years into the marriage), I found some communications on his Facebook messenger. He had started communicating with another girl he used to like. They had never actually dated, but on Facebook they were confessing their past feelings for each other and how he had wanted his parents to move to Texas so he could be with her (when he was 16). The conversation was very flirtatious and I was hurt. I felt that he was going down the same road again. I finally ended up telling him I had discovered the messages and initially he said he didn't do anything wrong, but then he apologized and said he wouldn't talk to this girl anymore. Then, 3 months later, he went to Florida on a ministry trip during New Years. He called the me on New Years Eve and said "I have something to tell you, but you're not going to be happy about it". He then told me that the girl he had been talking to had contacted him and wanted to hang out with him for New Years Eve and that her family was there so it was going to be fine. I felt frustrated and hurt because he had told me he wouldn't talk to this other woman anymore, but I just ended up getting off the phone and didn't say much. He went and spent time with the other girl. However, when he got back I mentioned that I did not want him to continue a friendship with her and he said "No, I wouldn't do that". Then, 5 days later, I saw him on his phone and he kept smiling. I asked him what he was doing and he kept dismissing it and saying "nothing". Then another 5 days later, I logged onto his email account to check their Amazon Prime order and saw that he had changed his Facebook password on New Years Eve Day. I had had his other password and could access his account but had rarely logged in. I knew that my husband never likes to change passwords. And he had changed it on the day he was meeting up with this girl in Florida. I found it very suspicious. So I checked his Facebook account from his phone. I found out that he had never cut off communication with the girl from Florida. He wasn't having long intimate emails with her but that he had kept in contact. She had come here in November and he had called her but she had missed the call. They didn't meet. Then, the day before New Years Eve, he had a text exchange with her and then deleted it. He then changed his password and initiated arrangements to meet up with her. The conversations were still flirtatious. Then, on that one night that he had been smiling, I realized it was because he was talking to the other girl on messenger. They were discussing how they felt and what they were thinking when they were hanging out. It was a very flirtatious conversation and at one point he said,
"Even though I told my wife, I was still wondering, 'What if?'"
She said, "What if what?"
He said, "You know, I've never been around someone I used to like before, so.....What if?.... You know, What if?"
She said, "I'm not sure what you mean by 'What if'".
He said, "Well, maybe we can come back to that later."
He then went on to tell her what a great friend she was and that it was hard to find friends like her. In opposition to what he had told me about not continuing the friendship.

When I confronted him, he answered with several lies that were verified as untrue by the text messages. He has continued to lie and change the details of the stories to benefit himself. I feel I can no longer trust him and I feel crushed by these emotional relationships outside of our marriage. I feel the marriage commitment to “forsake all others” has been broken. He said he never had feelings for these women but I have seen from the messages that he was the pursuer and that he was instigating and pursuing the connection with these other women. In the past he had claimed that these other women had pursued him, but from the recent evidence, it appears that this is not the case.

I am not opposed to him having mutual female friends. However, considering the inappropriate nature of the initial conversation with this recent girl, I felt that continuing this connection would be traveling the same path, especially since the conversation was not platonic but flirtatious. He also admitted at one point that he realized it was heading in the same direction as the previous problem with the ex girlfriend, but had still continued it when the girl from Florida contacted him. So, though he was convicted he was doing the same thing, he continued anyway.

What should I do? I want a divorce. Is that too extreme? I feel I can't trust him anymore.

[Hooo!]

no. in my humble oppinion divorce is not too extreme. Certainly not if you really want it.

what use is your marriage if you do not trust each other
what use is love if it is lies

If you want divorce he can hardly blame you

however i would speak to him about it first
and then with a lawyer too
there are legal aspects to cover.

maybe speak to your/a lawyer first - considering that he is lying to you...
However there is also something you can learn from your own behaviour
namely two things: 1) you have had a very long relationship with obviously very few understanding and communication about what the two of you really want and need
2) there is something that your soon to be ex husband missed in your relationship. You should find out what it is and if you want you can grow regarding that.

I also wonder at how cold and rational you are about everything. Its like its hurting you a little. But i have seen people in much less dramatic cirumstanced getting way more emotional than you are. I wonder if you are just cold or if you are surpressing it or just not feeling anything for your soon to be ex anyhow.

[Jolene576]

I also wonder at how cold and rational you are about everything. Its like its hurting you a little. But i have seen people in much less dramatic cirumstanced getting way more emotional than you are. I wonder if you are just cold or if you are surpressing it or just not feeling anything for your soon to be ex anyhow.

Hi. I have heard this from other people too. I'm not a hundred percent sure why it's hitting me like this. I think I'm the type of person that once I've been hurt repeatedly and I start to lose trust, I start to shut down emotionally. I think it's a defense mechanism. When I found out about the incidents a few years ago, I think my mind finally woke up to the fact that I could no longer trust my husband and I began to emotionally withdraw from the relationship. It was unintentional though. However, at the same time, my husband has spent a lot of time away from me. For years he's spent a couple of nights a week sleeping at his office, even when we lived 5 minutes away. When he did come home, it was often late and we didn't get much time together. On the weekends when we had time together, and I would be talking to him, he would tune me out and just not answer. (And I'm not a talker, so it's not like I was droning on and on). I just got to the point that I felt I meant nothing to him. In fact, what bothered me most about the last emotional affair is that he spent hours a day texting this girl and he would barely even text or talk to me. I felt he was willing to put in all this effort with this ex-girlfriend and then to me he would say he's just not someone who likes to listen so I just need to accept that. Sigh. I felt incredibly alone and isolated for years, but I wanted to make the best of it. I would grasp at any attention I could get from him, but at one point, I think the realization set in that I was just going to have to learn to be alone in my marriage. The trust I had in him as a safe, loving husband was gone and I felt our marriage was all a facade and I had just become this empty shell of a human being. Then, upon accidentally opening up to a friend in September about the infidelity, I began to really cry. I realized that it had been eating away at me this whole time. I always try to stay logical and rational, but here I was, crying like a baby. It was in the months following this that I found the communications to the girl in Florida and I just felt I couldn't do it anymore. I guess that's why I seem cold now. It's not that I don't cry. I do, when I'm alone. But, I'm somewhat numb as well. I don't know if it will all just hit me at some point.

Right now, we have been separated for 3 months. I feel I'm hanging in limbo unsure of what to do. Afraid to move forward, afraid to go back.