She rejected me but I still love her

[AT95]

Hi.
Theres a girl Im in love with but she kinda rejected me and I dont know what to do.
She said that she is afraid that if we will be a couple and things will go wrong it will ruin our friendship and she doesnt want that to happend
and I told her that I respect it and that everything is ok and since than we are still talking on daily basis and we spend hours together on the cellphone
just as we used to do before but the fact that nothing serious is going to happend between us just breaks my heart.
I mean, she is really cute in my opinion and I still really like her and whenever we talk or go out together I get really calm and happy
but its killing me inside!! please help me here Im going nuts

(I know her for about a year now and Im currently 21 years old if it matters)
oh and sorry if I have a bad grammar

[TheEvilJester]

Unfortunately, this is just one of those cases where there really isn't anything you can do. Believe me, I wish I could tell you differently. You shared your feelings with her and she told you that she just didn't see you that way. That your friendship is too important to her to risk. So, you've already tried and she wasn't interested in a relationship.

The good news is, it sounds like she was at least very nice about it and was still willing to be friends with you. That's certainly better than if she felt so uncomfortable about the idea that she couldn't see even being friends anymore. ...However, now you need to decide if YOU can live with just being friends with her. From what you say, it sounds like you can't. At least not right now.

Sure, it would be a shame to lose her as a friend, as it would be a shame for her to have to lose you.... but you need to do what is right for you. If it hurts you too much to be around her only knowing that you can never have what you really want with her, then you owe it to yourself to do what you need. It would be entirely different if you had wanted to be more than friends.... but you honestly COULD live with just being her friend. Different if you could remain friends and it wouldn't hurt you, wouldn't leave you just wishing for me. Would be different if you could remain just friends and yet it would not hold you back from finding love elsewhere because you are (whether you even realize you are doing it or not) really just waiting around hoping she will change her mind.

I'm not going to say it NEVER happens (because it certainly CAN), but it is pretty rare that somebody changes their mind about something like that. If she has told you she only sees you as a friend, it is very unlikely that will change. If you were to try to keep pushing it, it would likely only drive her away and ruin the friendship anyway. IF by some chance she ever actually DOES change her mind, leave that up to her to decide. Let it be her job to come after you if she changes her mind.

But, don't put your life on hold waiting around hoping she will change her mind. For now, your best best is to move on as though you know she never will change her mind. Heck, if down the road she actually does, you can deal with that at the time. But, for now, you deserve to be happy. You can't be happy if you are clinging to something that may never be. So, for now you should let that go... it's just a matter of can you do so as her friend, or do you need to keep your distance? Even if you do have to keep your distance, it doesn't have to be in a malicious way. You shouldn't tell her off or anything like that. It's just that you have to do what is best for you.

Good luck! I hope you find the love you are looking for very soon, whether that winds up being her or perhaps somebody else entirely.

[richiro]

yo move on.. that's what you do. it takes 2 for love, not 1. She's not on-board. You need to abandon ship.
sorry to say.. but there will be others. don't worry.

[AT95]

Unfortunately, this is just one of those cases where there really isn't anything you can do. Believe me, I wish I could tell you differently. You shared your feelings with her and she told you that she just didn't see you that way. That your friendship is too important to her to risk. So, you've already tried and she wasn't interested in a relationship.

The good news is, it sounds like she was at least very nice about it and was still willing to be friends with you. That's certainly better than if she felt so uncomfortable about the idea that she couldn't see even being friends anymore. ...However, now you need to decide if YOU can live with just being friends with her. From what you say, it sounds like you can't. At least not right now.

Sure, it would be a shame to lose her as a friend, as it would be a shame for her to have to lose you.... but you need to do what is right for you. If it hurts you too much to be around her only knowing that you can never have what you really want with her, then you owe it to yourself to do what you need. It would be entirely different if you had wanted to be more than friends.... but you honestly COULD live with just being her friend. Different if you could remain friends and it wouldn't hurt you, wouldn't leave you just wishing for me. Would be different if you could remain just friends and yet it would not hold you back from finding love elsewhere because you are (whether you even realize you are doing it or not) really just waiting around hoping she will change her mind.

I'm not going to say it NEVER happens (because it certainly CAN), but it is pretty rare that somebody changes their mind about something like that. If she has told you she only sees you as a friend, it is very unlikely that will change. If you were to try to keep pushing it, it would likely only drive her away and ruin the friendship anyway. IF by some chance she ever actually DOES change her mind, leave that up to her to decide. Let it be her job to come after you if she changes her mind.

But, don't put your life on hold waiting around hoping she will change her mind. For now, your best best is to move on as though you know she never will change her mind. Heck, if down the road she actually does, you can deal with that at the time. But, for now, you deserve to be happy. You can't be happy if you are clinging to something that may never be. So, for now you should let that go... it's just a matter of can you do so as her friend, or do you need to keep your distance? Even if you do have to keep your distance, it doesn't have to be in a malicious way. You shouldn't tell her off or anything like that. It's just that you have to do what is best for you.

Good luck! I hope you find the love you are looking for very soon, whether that winds up being her or perhaps somebody else entirely.

yeah,thats exactly the reason why I was afraid to admit that Im in love with her at the first place,
because I was sure for 100% that she wont talk to me anymore.
But surprisingly it didnt happend and actually she was really upset that day and she asked me plenty of time if Im mad or if I hate her
but I calmed her down and I told her that she is way to important to me and we we're talking normal at the same day like nothing happend.

about taking a distance from her, I really dont know how Im going to do that.
I know that its probably the best option for me right now but I just cant get her out of my mind.

[Hooo!]

if i were you here is what it is from my point of view:

girl sends indicator of interest, but at the same time fears the relationship
i seduce
girl is a friend and rejects me. which is fine. I still continue to seduce.
Girl doesnt want me to seduce her and tells me so: i break contact. Because I cannot/want not to hide my true feelings to her. That is not something a friend would do.
If she cant handle me being interested in her then i must accept it. The consequence would be that i am out.

ergo:
Her reaction does not matter at this point. I would continue to seduce her until i get a positive response or until i am out.
I would however not be exclusively focussing on her.


If thats not just a bad excuse and both of you really wanted a relationship to work out then its stupid just to not do it out of fear it all breaks apart.
It allready has. because one or both of your are dying inside. This is not how friends act to each other.
Your friendship is over.
You have a beginning relationship. Or at least a relationship towards each other where at least one person is (not just physically but also) romantically interested in the other person.

[TheEvilJester]

about taking a distance from her, I really dont know how Im going to do that.
I know that its probably the best option for me right now but I just cant get her out of my mind.

Yet, that is all the more reason that maybe the right answer is you SHOULD take your distance from her. After all, how exactly do you expect you will get her out of your mind if she is still constantly around?

Believe me, I don't mean to say that like it is such a simple thing. I know that right now that, at least for part of you, that is the last thing you want to do. But, it may, unfortunately, be what you need. Because, again, either you can see being just friends with her in the long run and it no longer hurting you.... or you can't see going back to being just friends because it will be too difficult for you since you wanted it to be more. If you CAN see being just friends with her in the long run.... it will probably still take some distance and time. You'll need time to move on, get over the feelings you had for her, and accept that it is not going to be anything more than a friendship. Then, it is certainly possible you could, after time, feel okay being around her as just a friend.

On the other hand, if you don't feel you can ever be okay with that, that distance would also be your friend. If that is the case, then it is pretty much inevitable (most likely, anyway) that you'd have to part ways anyway because otherwise you'd be stuck in a sort of limbo, acting as though you are just her friend but really wanting it to be more. Whether you mean to or not, you'd likely just hold yourself back from looking for other women who may actually be available to you because you are still waiting on somebody who would probably never be anything but a friend.

I don't know if I agree with Hooo's advice to keep pursuing somebody who has told you no. However, what I definitely DO agree with is his intended purpose behind that of not lying to yourself/to her. In other words, if you don't feel you can live with being just her friend, then you are not doing yourself or her any favors to pretend you can live with it. So, don't pretend you can live with being just friends unless you really, truly can do just that.

Should you continue trying to pursue her? I mean, my personal thought on that would be no. You tried and she said no. I do, though, readily admit I could be wrong in that. If a relationship is all you want and remaining just friends would not work for you, maybe a reasonable level of persistence is in order. I don't know. Again, I don't personally think so, because women don't tend to throw around the "just friends" thing unless they mean it. So, again, I'd think more so your decision is can you remain just friends or, for your own good, do you need to just move on.

I know that is not an easy decision to make, so don't think I'm trivializing the difficulty of this. It would absolutely stink to have to lose her completely rather than at least be able to keep her as a friend. And, again, if you sincerely CAN eventually get to a point of accepting being just friends with her.... to moving on and looking for love elsewhere while still remaining buddies with her... then great. If that would be too hard on you, though, then you owe it to yourself to do what is best for you. It will hurt for you both, but if she's as good a person as she seems, she'd at least understand and not want you to do something that would ultimately only hurt you more.

Good luck!

[richiro]

like i said.. you just do. i do like the "keep seducing until she kicks you out or you kick yourself out" idea. I"ll have to remember that from now on "just incase."
But as far as "can't" - there is no "can't" - only what you choose or choose not to do. You are not a victim. YOu are in control of your own thoughts and actions. If you can't do that (aka be an adult) then you aren't ready for a relationship anyway so.....

figure out how to. then you know you're ready to even try being in a relaitonship down the road.

[AT95]

Yet, that is all the more reason that maybe the right answer is you SHOULD take your distance from her. After all, how exactly do you expect you will get her out of your mind if she is still constantly around?

Believe me, I don't mean to say that like it is such a simple thing. I know that right now that, at least for part of you, that is the last thing you want to do. But, it may, unfortunately, be what you need. Because, again, either you can see being just friends with her in the long run and it no longer hurting you.... or you can't see going back to being just friends because it will be too difficult for you since you wanted it to be more. If you CAN see being just friends with her in the long run.... it will probably still take some distance and time. You'll need time to move on, get over the feelings you had for her, and accept that it is not going to be anything more than a friendship. Then, it is certainly possible you could, after time, feel okay being around her as just a friend.

On the other hand, if you don't feel you can ever be okay with that, that distance would also be your friend. If that is the case, then it is pretty much inevitable (most likely, anyway) that you'd have to part ways anyway because otherwise you'd be stuck in a sort of limbo, acting as though you are just her friend but really wanting it to be more. Whether you mean to or not, you'd likely just hold yourself back from looking for other women who may actually be available to you because you are still waiting on somebody who would probably never be anything but a friend.

I don't know if I agree with Hooo's advice to keep pursuing somebody who has told you no. However, what I definitely DO agree with is his intended purpose behind that of not lying to yourself/to her. In other words, if you don't feel you can live with being just her friend, then you are not doing yourself or her any favors to pretend you can live with it. So, don't pretend you can live with being just friends unless you really, truly can do just that.

Should you continue trying to pursue her? I mean, my personal thought on that would be no. You tried and she said no. I do, though, readily admit I could be wrong in that. If a relationship is all you want and remaining just friends would not work for you, maybe a reasonable level of persistence is in order. I don't know. Again, I don't personally think so, because women don't tend to throw around the "just friends" thing unless they mean it. So, again, I'd think more so your decision is can you remain just friends or, for your own good, do you need to just move on.

I know that is not an easy decision to make, so don't think I'm trivializing the difficulty of this. It would absolutely stink to have to lose her completely rather than at least be able to keep her as a friend. And, again, if you sincerely CAN eventually get to a point of accepting being just friends with her.... to moving on and looking for love elsewhere while still remaining buddies with her... then great. If that would be too hard on you, though, then you owe it to yourself to do what is best for you. It will hurt for you both, but if she's as good a person as she seems, she'd at least understand and not want you to do something that would ultimately only hurt you more.

Good luck!

I cant even imagine myself in a position where I have to look at her eyes and tell her that I dont want to talk to her anymore
because I know that I'll regret about it for the rest of my life and eventually it will destroy me.
losing her is not an option.. no way
thank you very much for that comment by the way.

[TheEvilJester]

So, then, do you honestly, sincerely feel like you can forget the possibility of becoming more than friends with her and accept being just friends? By that, I mean fully and truly. As in, you don't hold yourself back from finding love elsewhere. As in, eventually, you find and fall in love with somebody else and aren't (whether you even directly realize you are doing it or not) just waiting around hoping that she's going to change her mind at some point? Not only that, but think of this. How are you going to feel if and when she inevitably falls in love with somebody else? Will you be able to be okay with that without it hurting you too badly that she could love somebody else in that way but wouldn't give you that chance?

If you can honestly say yes to all that, then that is great. It's just, from what you've shared, it sounds to me like it has been too difficult for you. So, you're being tortured by being around her without getting to have more than just a friendship.... yet it would torture you to lose her completely. One way or the other, something has to give. I definitely understand how you feel about not wanting to tell her you don't want to talk to her anymore. Honestly, I don't think that really is what I'd suggest. I think I'd more so suggest phrasing it more gently. Just off the top of my head, if I were you I'd maybe word it something like this...

"I am truly very sorry. I cherish our friendship very much and I do not want to lose that. Right now, though, I think in order to do that I need to just take some distance for a while. I think that would really be the best for our friendship if I can take the time to get over these feelings I have for you and make sense of us going back to being just friends."

In other words, it doesn't necessarily HAVE to be good-bye.... it can just more so be a "give me some time to process things" kind of deal. Again, though, you have to do what is right for you. Believe me, I can understand not wanting to lose a good friend. There aren't that many good people in the world these days. When you actually do find one, I can understand wanting them in your life no matter in what form that may take. It's just, you also need to be friends with that charming fella who looks back at you every time you look in the mirror.

[AT95]

So, then, do you honestly, sincerely feel like you can forget the possibility of becoming more than friends with her and accept being just friends? By that, I mean fully and truly. As in, you don't hold yourself back from finding love elsewhere. As in, eventually, you find and fall in love with somebody else and aren't (whether you even directly realize you are doing it or not) just waiting around hoping that she's going to change her mind at some point? Not only that, but think of this. How are you going to feel if and when she inevitably falls in love with somebody else? Will you be able to be okay with that without it hurting you too badly that she could love somebody else in that way but wouldn't give you that chance?

If you can honestly say yes to all that, then that is great. It's just, from what you've shared, it sounds to me like it has been too difficult for you. So, you're being tortured by being around her without getting to have more than just a friendship.... yet it would torture you to lose her completely. One way or the other, something has to give. I definitely understand how you feel about not wanting to tell her you don't want to talk to her anymore. Honestly, I don't think that really is what I'd suggest. I think I'd more so suggest phrasing it more gently. Just off the top of my head, if I were you I'd maybe word it something like this...

"I am truly very sorry. I cherish our friendship very much and I do not want to lose that. Right now, though, I think in order to do that I need to just take some distance for a while. I think that would really be the best for our friendship if I can take the time to get over these feelings I have for you and make sense of us going back to being just friends."

In other words, it doesn't necessarily HAVE to be good-bye.... it can just more so be a "give me some time to process things" kind of deal. Again, though, you have to do what is right for you. Believe me, I can understand not wanting to lose a good friend. There aren't that many good people in the world these days. When you actually do find one, I can understand wanting them in your life no matter in what form that may take. It's just, you also need to be friends with that charming fella who looks back at you every time you look in the mirror.

I always think about the day when she will fall in love with someone else.. but its over.
She doesnt care about me anymore, I give up

[pcmaster]

Dont give up on your love man ! Follow her until she loves you !(Reference to Lady Gaga song - Paparaci)

Just in previous post you said that losing her is not an option. Stick to your words, be a man !

Even if at the end she dont end up with you, still best revenge you can have is be good without her. Be succsessful and be the best you can be even if you are alone cause you never know when real love comes. Real live exists and it comes regardless you are ready or not so better be ready. Live like theres amazing girl waiting for you.
I have given up so many times but still have met amazing girls along the way. Wish I knew they existed earlier but I ussualy met them when Im not ready.

[AT95]

Dont give up on your love man ! Follow her until she loves you !(Reference to Lady Gaga song - Paparaci)

Just in previous post you said that losing her is not an option. Stick to your words, be a man !

Even if at the end she dont end up with you, still best revenge you can have is be good without her. Be succsessful and be the best you can be even if you are alone cause you never know when real love comes. Real live exists and it comes regardless you are ready or not so better be ready. Live like theres amazing girl waiting for you.
I have given up so many times but still have met amazing girls along the way. Wish I knew they existed earlier but I ussualy met them when Im not ready.

I still love her.. I really do and she knows it but whenever I try to talk to her and she goes cold I'm dying inside.

[pcmaster]

Know how it is man. Girls are so evil. You need a miracle. I remember there was a girl who often went cold on me but somehow I managed to get her back and even prayed god sometimes. Still thaat played my heart to the beat and I wish I never met her - so much it hurt afterwards. If shes cold to you then easiest thing you can do is never contact her again.

All you need to focus on now is work on yourself to be as emotionally and physically healthy as you can. If you will feel great without her then theres big chance she will come back or you will meet new girl or at least be ready for what life will bring.

Most important thing is take care of your heart.

[Stay 2gether]

Hey you are way to young to be crying over a young pretty girl their will be a lot more to come in your lifetime i know you may not want to hear that rite now but truth is you should just focus on being friends with her and not trying to have a relationship with her and just maybe she will see you as more but take it from a women sometimes you men can try a little too hard and that drives us away. But focusing on a friendship attracts alot of great women wish you the best friend

[AT95]

Hey you are way to young to be crying over a young pretty girl their will be a lot more to come in your lifetime i know you may not want to hear that rite now but truth is you should just focus on being friends with her and not trying to have a relationship with her and just maybe she will see you as more but take it from a women sometimes you men can try a little too hard and that drives us away. But focusing on a friendship attracts alot of great women wish you the best friend

I never thought that it can affect me like that,
I'm broken ... Thanks for the support to everyone!