Basically what my screen name is IS my trouble.

[CantMoveOn]

He has moved on but tried very hard to keep me on his hook. Over ten years swinging from it, no wonder he hoped it would be indefinite but lying about dating, living with another, engaged, and set wedding, then wedding, buying a house, dog and all in-between( truth came from another who was tired of his lies and behavior and whom we both knew) - when one knows the real facts, not the make belief someone spoon feeds another you can no longer talk with that person. In a few days will be a full year of no contact from me to him. But I cantmove on and I can only imagine it's because I suspect he gave her my engagement ring and not one person in his family ever knew we were engaged to be married or even in a relationship or that he loved me at all. I feel like he has a complete life fulfillment and I am stuck in his lie-der web! FOREVER! Why was I a secret, and now they are not? Does she know she was probably given my ring he bought me? Does she know he was engaged before, since his own family doesn't? I was loyal, faithful, loving, kind and a good partner to him - every one in my life knew about him though. This situation has caused a severe depression for me, I feel I want at least one of his family to know the truth, not to cause trouble but he'll just lie and deny me but at least I'll have respected myself and not let this person I gave all my love to make me some dirty secret. I don't know if this is common for people to do this to another they are with, or if anyone else is still in pain after a year. He is overseas still, I moved back so at least I never have to randomly run into him, a small blessing.

[CantMoveOn]

Nobody is willing to talk with me or help me?

I know all these relationship sites think NC is the best of the best way, but when you do that a full year, and still nothing changes it has more to do with not just talking to someone - it is deeper obviously. Maybe if it was a 6 month thing or a year thing but not the case here. Been in therapy, so that isn't a solve either.

[lovebroken]

He is probably a narcissist and was keeping you around to continue using you, and or until he found another, and I heard some will be in private relationships but to others around them live a single life. You must have fulfilled a need he had, did he approach you during a hard time? End it during a hard time too? That is also typical Narcissistic behavior as well. I am sorry to say he might have continued so long just so you would always think about him, feel hurt. People like that take pride in knowing they might have destroyed another, it is weird but people are that way.

If it was myself, and in this situation I would contact whoever possible and rat him out. He won't expect it and it will throw him off his games, and even if he covers well, and continues to deceive his family you caught him off guard, and will realize his spell has been broken.

I am sure others will eventually weigh in and offer advice.

[TheEvilJester]

I am sorry I didn't see this earlier. So, let me be sure I understand. You two were together for 10 years before you found out the truth about him? And now you've been away from him for a year, but finding yourself unable to move on? Honestly.... why does that surprise you? You were together 10 years. That's not nothing. That can be very hard to forget. Not only that, but there was once a part of you that thought you found something amazing in him. That thought you found somebody with whom you could happily spend the rest of your life. Essentially, you thought you found your happily ever after.

But he wasn't Prince Charming. Never was. He was the evil wizard the whole time. Give yourself a break. You were fooled. It has happened to the best of us. I wish I could say there was an easy solution, but time is all that will heal your wounds. Believe me, it may not feel like it now, but in time you will move on. In time you will feel okay. In time, you will realize he is and probably always was a complete piece of garbage that never deserved you in the first place.

Hindsight can be a beautiful thing. If you think about it, I am sure there were probably a million screaming, glowing, pulsating red flags that should have made it obvious to you he wasn't who he pretended to be.... but you were in love. Love can be blinding. I think most of us have been there as well.... with the VERY wrong person, but unable to see it because we were blinded by what we thought was love. It comes from the weirdest of sources (one of the Terminator movies) but I've always loved this saying....

Anger is more useful than despair. What does that mean? Right now, you are stuck feeling sad. Stuck feeling like you lost something. Stuck, perhaps, wondering what you did wrong, what is wrong with you, etc. However, the attitude you want to adopt should instead be "F*** HIM!" (pardon my censored French, LOL) The attitude you need to have is HOW DARE he do that you? That you DO NOT deserve that kind of treatment. The truth is, you DON'T deserve that kind of treatment.

Anger gets a bad rep, but it can honestly be a VERY useful tool when used properly. You just can't let it dwell. Use it as a tool to get yourself past this hurt, use it as a tool to become determined never to let somebody do that to you again.... but then move on, let go, and be happy. Forgive.... NOT him. He does not deserve your forgiveness and NEVER will. Forgive yourself for letting this happen. Do not hold on to a grudge and actively hate him, I'm not suggesting that. I'm just saying, sometimes it is better to heal from the hurt of a past experience so you no longer dwell on it..... yet still acknowledge that your life is better off without a particular person in it.

You could speculate or we could speculate until blue in the face WHY somebody could do something like that. To be 100% honest, though, the real answer is who cares? It doesn't matter the WHY, the simple fact that he could is proof enough that he doesn't deserve you. You deserve better. Maybe you don't see that now, so if you don't I'll say it for you. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!! So, don't let him wound your good nature so badly that you lose faith that you can find somebody better. Your true love is out there waiting if you still wish to find him/her/whatever. But, more important, you deserve to love you. If you can find your way to it, the ultimate goal in life is to be happy in and of yourself and not NEED love.... but to want it anyway. To be able to be happy without it, but still wish to find it anyway. I wish that for you friend.

Good luck.

P.S.

I'm going to bet that your therapist has probably already suggested something like this, but if not, here is one thought....

Try writing a letter to him.... but one that you will never actually send. In it, you get out all of your feelings, you tell him off, you tell him how much of a piece of absolute crap he is for doing this to you. Spew all your vitriol into this letter..... but then just shred it and never send it. It can sometimes be very therapeutic just to get all of that out. He doesn't deserve to have this continued hold on you. You deserve to be happy. Thing is, there really is no point to confront him about it, to talk to him, or anything like that. People like that never learn and will never admit they've done anything wrong. He'd probably just find ways to try to make you feel even worse.

Once again, good luck to you.

[lovebroken]

TheEvilJester gave a terrific reply back and advice.

Hiding someone is an awful thing to do because it causes "what is wrong with me?" inside you when you should really be thinking "what is wrong with him?" True and good people don't keep loved ones secret. End. I heard closure can be knowing someone isn't interested about you, in you. Hurt is how you grieve the loss of someone. It will still be inside you you can't not think of them because that isn't realistic but you can think of them less every day.

Keep busy, so you don't dwell on that person. If you pick a person to tell on him, pick someone who may see him for how he is, not how he wants people to see him. So, not his mother is my advice.

[CantMoveOn]

Thank you both. Lovebroken and TheEvilJester for your kind replies to my thread and help offered within.

I think he must have been a narcissist to some extent, how much I don't know but he could have also enjoyed the game of telling lies and was good at it and got away with a lot so kept it up. Would get very angry at me whenever I let something slip I knew that he had previously told lies on. He obviously had to pre think his lies and when caught on them he wasn't quick to recover and why so angry. Yes. My cat and aunt died days within each other when he admitted he loved me and broke us up when my godmother and his grandfather died. SO you are correct, upsetting to think his actions where all timed out to get a desired affect. Playing others grieve is sickening.

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No, I was to speak via internet with his older sister who had similar feelings about his character over the years as myself ( This told to me by him, as he would not let me talk in any way to his sister, said they don't get on) and YET his sister was the bridesmaid for the girl after me in his wedding MORE LIES!

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TheEviljester, I have written letters, cards and not sent, have vented online pages for exactly that and still no decent closure and hurt stands strong with me. Thank you, I was knowing him over 10 but engaged, never got to marrying stage ( because he wouldn't ) for half of that, before dating before that friends after engagement breaking up quasi friends and then I stopped talking so nothing at all. My choice. He still tried contacting me but I resisted because I knew truth about his romantic life and felt wasn't right to still talk in way he was trying to talk to me. He did act like Prince Charming, until it no longer served him and then changed because I was questioning why a lot and confronting his lies. So I wasn't dupeable anymore so no fun! I do feel angry, but half of this rests on me too because I went along and I believed and loved him for so long.

If either of you want some personal details I can add those next post. To explain what is and has angered me alongside the hiding of me ( BIGGEST hurt)

[TheEvilJester]

And again, yes maybe you do share some of the blame for letting him treat you this way for so long..... BUT you shouldn't beat yourself up about that too much. Especially not now that you see that now that you are on the other side. Sometimes that is what happens. That is what scumbags like this do. They act like Mr. Perfect/Ms. Perfect just long enough so they have you hooked. Then, once they start, little by little, to reveal their true nature, it becomes that much harder for you to accept the truth.

It's like, at first you ignore it thinking things like "Well, everybody has their little quirks. Nobody is completely perfect/without fault." And, Hell, that is true. Nobody is perfect, so you shouldn't ever expect perfection. ....Thing is you fail to realize how often you are making excuses like that.... or how big a deal the things really are that you are trying to pretend aren't such a big deal. After a while, things start going to Hell, but part of you is still SO sure that the person you thought you knew is in there somewhere. That if you just stick with them and stand by them, you can get back to that happy place. It can take a long time to finally realize that you didn't lose the amazing person you thought you'd met.... they were never real in the first place.

Is my above description at least close to your own experience? The same description I shared above could very much describe my mistake of a relationship, so I know from experience how you must be feeling. I also know from experience that there is a way out of it. Heck, I think I actually came out of that relationship stronger than ever rather than weakened by it. Realizing I deserved better made me, for the first time ever in my life, realize that meant I actually deserved a chance to be happy.

Of course, the world hasn't exactly cooperated for me, but that is an entirely different story. For you, I hope things go much better. I think it sounds like now you are beginning to be able to see the issues you maybe didn't or maybe did but ignored before. You were able to admit that he was a serial liar. Furthermore, you shared that when he got caught in a lie, HE would get mad at YOU. When I catch my cat doing something she's not supposed to and she yells at ME for it.... that's adorable. When a person does it... yeah... not so much. That is enough of a sign of how immature he is. That is also a pretty likely sign that (as you already know now) he's a big fat liar in general.

If/when any normal human being is caught in a lie, they are generally embarrassed/apologetic. There is also generally an effort not to lie again because they don't want to be perceived as somebody who cannot be trusted. A guy like him.... they will get mad at you for calling them out on a lie because they want to try to turn it around on you. They want to make YOU feel like that bad guy when THEY are the one was was wrong.

You've had a hard time moving on.... so I think now may be a good time (again, if you haven't already done this) to start dwelling on all the terrible things he did to you. Believe me, I know that sounds kind of counter-intuitive, but that actually can be exactly what you need. Again, it's something you don't want to let yourself get trapped in for too long.... But still, dwelling on all that right now can help you to realize that you didn't lose anybody worth having. That you are much better off without him. Use that as a good learning experience for the sort of things that are NOT acceptable to you so you don't make the mistake of winding up with somebody else just like that again.

To be honest with you, the fact that part of you still longs for what you THOUGHT you two had is a good thing. It shows that you still want love, that you still believe you can find it. It's just, you need to get to the point where you realize that you don't miss HIM.... you miss the IDEA of him. You miss the person you thought he was, not the person he really is. I've said this many times on this board. You won't find that person in him because it was just another lie all along. .....BUT.... you CAN still find that person in somebody else. The things you thought you saw in him that you thought made him so great.... there is somebody out there who WILL have those same qualities, except they won't be a lie.

Believe me, I know how this all may just sound like words right now. In enough time, though, you'll be saying the same things to yourself. It's about empowerment, my friend. Learn from this experience to realize that you don't deserve to be treated the way he treated you. In realizing that, realize that not deserving to be treated that way means you DO deserve to be treated better than he did. That you DO deserve happiness. So, when you get there, go out and find it.

Good luck. And, if you do want to share more details I'd be happy to offer my further thoughts. I'm glad to help in any way I can, even if it only helps a little, at least that is better than not at all.

[CantMoveOn]

Thank you, TheEvilJester.

Why'd it not cut me and go away why did he insist we remain friends and keep talking if he was with others and married one of the many he was playing. I think he married her because her parents have money, one is a uni professor, other is a scientist and her dad drives a Mercedes. I got all filled in, do I hate her, no she is stupid like me and obviously will accept anything even lying and cheating and another womans ring ( that angers me).

Yes, your description is very close to my truth. I had doubts he was being 100 percent honest, but never suspected all or almost all was lies, on life, how he felt and reasons for doing and not doing things with me.

He was a gaslighting person too. I know this now, not during.

What hurts is seeing his life with her, is what he wouldn't do with me. I can't eat ground beef, and he wouldn't stop eating it around me, cooking around me, but she is a vegetarian and he seems to go along with that though but the one food I couldn't actually eat he constantly threw in my face and ate. Wouldn't let me or us go to NY for a cousins wedding. Said he went with an ex and was never interested in seeing there again, guess where he went on his honeymoon? YES NY. I wanted a yellow lb dog as our first pet, wouldn't get it. Guess exact dog he got her? Got married at exact place I had picked for us to marry, wore exact same suit chose if we married and had his friends dad marry them they was supposed to marry us one day. Things like that are too many to list. Hurts me. I don't want to be married to him, or ever be with, chose not to continue on in any romantic way but now all this comes to light and makes me feel more played than ever. Can't stop thinking about it. Saddens me every time. Why isn't a year long enough to get beyond all f this?

Thank you.

[TheEvilJester]

If a year wasn't enough, more time WILL be. Believe me, I get that it doesn't feel that way now, but it WILL. I'd say all those things you describe (the diet, the dog, the wedding stuff and all that) are just a coincidence.... but that is one HELL of a lot of coincidences. I kind of more lean towards thinking he is being deliberately hurtful. Just all the more reason to realize he is a scumbag and to realize you are SO MUCH better off without him.

I think one good thing you could do for now is to remove him from your life completely. I forget if you mentioned how you are getting all this information about him and this other gal.... but however that is, I think it is best to remove that source from your life. For example, if you are getting all that from his social media, then I think now is the time to remove and/or block him on all social media so he can't contact you and you won't see his updates. All it does is pour salt in your wounds. You DO need to let yourself get to the point of hating him and realize you deserve better.... and then sooner rather than later of letting go of the hate and moving on to FIND that better.....

But you don't need any extra reasons to hate him. He's given you well more than enough. I know a year may feel like a long time to still be stuck in these feelings, but a year goes by faster than you think. Especially when you consider you two were together 10 years, I myself don't find it surprising that you've not moved on fully even after a year. But, you will. I know it may not feel that way now, but you will.

In time, you will be able to find happiness in yourself. That is the best time to try again. When love because something you want, but not something you NEED. That you can be happy by yourself... but you want somebody anyway. I hope you get there very soon. You deserve happiness. Perhaps even more so BECAUSE of what you've had to suffer through, you deserve to see what love really can be when you find the right person. Good luck to you, friend.

[Hooo!]

You still believe the entire story
The truth is you had a relationship with a person who never existed.

Every feeling you have had was towards a person who he wanted you to believe is real, but never was and never will be.

You were used and the ring is just a symbol for that.
It's not just that there is a girl getting your ring. It's like he made you to believe you are that girl. But you are not. He has used u as an unimportant sidekick.

I am sorry that this has happened to you.
It is not a question of moving "on"
It's a question of starting at zero with someone you don't know yet al over again.
I hope you will this time check reality better and then love deeper and finally find a man who really does love you back

[CantMoveOn]

Sorry. Been away and just able to converse on this now. So, thanks TheEvilJester and Hooo! for replies since offline.

[MENTION=85121]Hooo![/MENTION] How did he never exist, you don't mean literally you mean because he was a constant liar, right? So since all he did was fib he wasn't real or being real with me?

But, then why when I told him the truths I know just finally go, busted, you are correct and then we could have been at least friends after such a LONG TIME together. Who plays a long game of lies like that on a person who they knew loved them and would try to understand any truths offered. Truth is respect. Lies is disrespect. He also knew the stress he was causing was hurting me, no need to keep hurting me.

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[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] I feel sometimes I want to die over thinking on all this baggage he left me with. He bought a almost 800, 000 dollar home and when I was with him he got us the dumpiest apt in the worse area that he wouldn't even get his own mail at his apt he would drive 35 minutes to a friends to get his mail. But, was okay for woman he loved coming from another country to live and walk because no car to drive? Didn't care about my safety or comfort at all. He next apt after I went back to Canada was a beautiful 2 bedroom 2 bathroom place with huge patio in tree lined street, but I got the dump to live in ( I traveled world, left my friends and family and that is what I got and this girl lives there has her friends and family there)? That was all I was worth. Too many, slights towards me and ability to do better with immediate next girl. Suspicious. Also told everyone he wanted a pale blue eyed blonde baby and made me feel like I was his chosen for fact I could give him that ( his older sister had a blue eyed blonde babies) think he was jealous and wanted same. Yet, he married an Indian girl ( wth?) no blue eyed blonde babies there with her. So nothing he ever said was true. This builds up and builds up and I am crushed from the weight of it.

[TheEvilJester]

Have you heard the phrase compare and despair? When you compare yourself, your life, your experiences to others, you are always eventually going to find some reason to be upset. Believe me, I understand how you feel.... but honestly, who cares how he treats this new woman of his? Who cares if he treats her better than you?

The important thing to realize is not how well he treats her.... it is how poorly he treated you. The way he treated you is not okay. It wouldn't make it any more or less okay if he treated a new gal just as poorly.

The truth is NOT that you were not good enough for him. The truth is he was not good enough for you. Never was. He just pretended to be somebody who gave a $h*t when he never really did. He strikes me as the kind of person who just uses people and doesn't have a sincere bone in his body. You say he apparently treats this other woman better.... but that's probably only because he saw he couldn't get away with the same crap with her. I bet he would if he could. I do not mean to imply I am blaming you in any way. Again, I understand how you felt. You thought you were in love. Love can be blinding.

But, you've had those blinders removed now and you see the truth. You see he was nothing but lies. So, I think it is time you begin to realize that YOU were not to blame. You were mistreated here. He never deserved you. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! I know it is hard right now not to focus on the past, on what he did to you... but it will get easier in time. Soon enough he'll be nothing but a distant memory. But, for now, as best you can help it, stop looking into what is going on with him now. Really, who cares? Soon enough he will probably screw that up too anyway.

Good luck to you.

[lovebroken]

[MENTION=85495]CantMoveOn[/MENTION], you said you moved there for him, did she too, or is she from there same as him?

Do you think that made a difference, you said he hid you but doesn't hide her. Is he the same ethnicity as you or her? That might have mattered too? I know it is hard not to what to get information now even though you and him are no more because you never got any when you were together and it is probably making up for all those lost years of not knowing but it seems to only pain you to know why put yourself through that pain, and let him keep hurting you without doing any of the work to hurt you.

Do you think he thinks this much of you? Sometime Karma takes awhile to kick in, so you might be waiting, and looking to see him get some pain back but it could take years and do you want to be miserable in his shadow for that long, or try to be happy? Some people are just cruel, and play with others who they know love them and won't betray or hurt them, remember those people are sick to play ones who love them. I bet the new one he married knows what he is and she is probably just like him, equals in how they treat others so is why he married her, she will let stuff slide and use later, you know the types. He might be trapped by her, take comfort in that.

[Titanll]

I say have some ginger ale and OJ...should be over this loser in no time.

Are you dating anyone now?

[CantMoveOn]

[MENTION=85656]Titanll[/MENTION] In times like these the added vanilla ice cream scoops in would work more. I have dated since back home but nothing promising, mostly because I don't let it because I don't think it's fair to anyone else that they get me with all his baggage still. I need to get my definite closure to date successfully, imo. Atm, no. I am not dating anyone.

[MENTION=77017]lovebroken[/MENTION] - no he is the same ethnicity and coloring, eyes and hairs as myself. We could have been mistaken for a brother and sister and why he made that blue eyed blonde baby comment. Yes, she lives in Au with her family, they moved her parents and sister from India I was told when preschool age. Plus, her parents have money one is a professor the other is a scientist and the dad drives a Mercedes and he is all about the moola, cash flow. My parents are in military and a nurse, my dad drives a Toyota. We are average not well to do. That also matter to him, and his mom I heard. We weren't rich enough, important enough I felt. What type of girl takes another girls wedding ring set as her own and is okay with that? I bet he bad mouthed me when all I ever said was to be faithful and loyal to whomever he dates and I would never step between another couple, is why I backed away from him then in backing away got some hard truths.

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[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] - Yes, I do compare and then despair you are very much correct on this statement. I make myself miserable feeling I was worthless in his eyes, and everyone else deserves his respect but not me. His actions, and things that came to light proves me right. I don't always look myself, another person gives me heads up on a lot of these things. This girls FB is private and her IG was private during time they got engaged, I had no idea, and was still talking with him for 6 months never knowing he proposed, he never told me, and I always asked about his relationships as he did mine. Difference I was always open and honest, he never was. So when this girls IG opened up suddenly after nine months I was messaged that I need to look at it. That is how I found out he was engaged. Hurtful. I wish her IG went private again, but I know that friend made a fake account and added her in case she privates it at some point I don't want to contact this girl, I do want to contact his sister still. I felt she saw him for how he was same as me and would believe and understand me. Thank you.