I've written already several posts about my problems with this man, but now I think I really need some help - I feel I am losing him for good. And it's the most painful thing I have ever to endure, I have been hurt before but nothing even comes close to this horrible feeling of emptiness and abandonment and betrayal I feel now..I don't even want to get up in the morning though I can barely sleep at night and I don't wanna eat or do anything I used to enjoy before... And I need to study a lot atm, but I can't focus at all...
we met, fell crazy in love with each other, then he left me after 6 weeks. But said he still wants to stay friends. so we stayed friends (for like 3 months now) and we used to hang out all the time every day together studying and finding event to go to together and we always had the best time with each other and kept texting each other constantly if we weren't together...and it was all the time very friendly and even flirty most of the time and he initiated most of it always. And then it all got complicated when we started having sex again. And after few times I told him that I definitely can't do that anymore cause it brings back to many feelings and I don't want to just be a toy for the summer...
So ever since then our communication totally changed. He became distant and much colder. There is no flirting left and everything seems to be so formal now...And most of the time I am the one texting him and he only responds rather formally and it's mostly about studying and whenever I ask something personal he gets defensive and changes the subject... I feel like this is it. The end. And before he used to always initiate spending time together: asked me to go study together, find us events to go to together or just go out to eat together and stuff... And now it's almost as if he's avoiding me... I am dying inside.
And all this time while we stayed friends I still had deep feelings for him, and I still do (and he said several times he still has feelings for me too) and I kept all the time hoping we would get back together and I still hope for that. But it just feels like it's slipping away and I feel miserably ....
The only thing that comes to my mind is the obvious: he only hung out with me for sex. Cause almost imediately after I told him we definitely have to stop this all started happening. I can't believe I was such an idiot to believe what he's told me and to let him string me along for so long and to let him treat me this way ... I feel so betrayed and such a fool and I am so hurt... And the most painful is that I still love him and I would still do anything to get him back..
I am totally obsesssing over his posts in social media, I am checking his ex's profile too and even his ex's friends profiles looking for clues if maybe they are getting back together... I am in a total rut ... and I can't even see the light anymore....
Please someone help me please... I have been crying for the last few days for him... And I can barely control myself not to write all this to him, cause I know that would definitely ruin anything we might have left...
And the worst part is I keep remembering how happy I was with him (like I've never been before) and how deeply I fell for him and that the feelings I felt for him (and still feel) I have never felt for anyone before...It was all just perfect bilss. And I feel like I can probably never feel this way again... Just kill me now.
And we had a real connection and were really getting a long great and I considered him a friend. So it pains me even double now, because I am not only loosing the greatest love of my life but a great friend too... I haven't seen him for 5 days already and it's the longest we havn't seen each other and I miss him so much... And I am afraid that when our school ends (in 4 weeks) I will never even see him again...
And it feels like he just used me for my company and later ocasionaly for sex too, because we study together and there wasn't anyone else in the group he would enjoy spending time with and could connect to. And it was just very convienient for him to have me around... and it was a difficult time in his life and now it feels like he's becoming happier and free again and moving on and just leaving me behind..I feel so used... I hate him at the same time as I love him. And I hate myself even more, for letting him treat me like this