Someone, please help me...I'm dying inside

[Snow White]

Ok..I'm going to end up being the bad guy here. I guess being a women, it bothers me that other women can have the evidence in front of them, but not see any of it and then allow themselves to become completely destroyed. lovemenot, you were together for 6 weeks and then you broke up. There were a lot of posts so I'm not sure if you mentioned why you broke up. Also, realistically, 6 weeks doesn't equal "crazy in love". I am going to guess he broke up with you. Deciding to stay friends is never a good idea if you are still in love with the person. It is very beneficial for the other because they can enjoy you when they want. Now introduce sex to the mix. Bingo! I have always said that men aren't truly interested with being "friends" with a woman. They are always hoping for the sex factor.

Realistically, he wasn't the greatest love of your life or your best friend. We only see what we want to see even if the other person is showing us something completely different. I am not making light of your feelings or saying they are not real. It just saddens me that you are worthy of so much better and you simply do not realize it.

[WiltedRose]

How are you doing hunny?

[lovemenot]

Ok..I'm going to end up being the bad guy here. I guess being a women, it bothers me that other women can have the evidence in front of them, but not see any of it and then allow themselves to become completely destroyed. lovemenot, you were together for 6 weeks and then you broke up. There were a lot of posts so I'm not sure if you mentioned why you broke up. Also, realistically, 6 weeks doesn't equal "crazy in love". I am going to guess he broke up with you. Deciding to stay friends is never a good idea if you are still in love with the person. It is very beneficial for the other because they can enjoy you when they want. Now introduce sex to the mix. Bingo! I have always said that men aren't truly interested with being "friends" with a woman. They are always hoping for the sex factor.

Realistically, he wasn't the greatest love of your life or your best friend. We only see what we want to see even if the other person is showing us something completely different. I am not making light of your feelings or saying they are not real. It just saddens me that you are worthy of so much better and you simply do not realize it.

You are right. He broke up with me. There were a few reasons why he did that. That he needed more time to focus on studying instead of thinking about me and us all the time. And two weeks after we started dating, he left his ex, who was living with him for a year and that kind of hit him harder than he thought and he also had some issues with some of my behaviour and he also had some self-issues depression and other stuff....
But now when we talk he says the only reason he doesn't want a relationship is because of his self issues. And he first wants to fix himself and only then could start a relationship. And several times he said that it has to be this way now and in the future we'll see. So I think there still is a chance for us to be together. And maybe that's why he still wants to hang out.. I realize this sounds pathetic, but I just can't live without the hope of being with him again...

And what you are saying makes a lot of sense, even though it does make me feel horrible about myself...Am I really so naive and stupid to believe that what he is saying is true and not see the real truth.... He said it's no just sex for him, he said he still has a lot of feelings for me...I am really starting to hate myself ...

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How are you doing hunny?

I actually felt a bit better yesterday. Of course only because I met with HIM to study and we spent the whole day together. And in the evening we went to have some pizza and then to a pub quiz nigh, where we go every week since we first started seeing each other. And then a couple of his friends decided to continue to another pub and we had some more beers and then me, HIM and his friend came over to my house and I made them a bed in another room and HE suggested for me to sleep with them too. So I slept next to HIM and then woke a bit later and we were just all over each other and then went back to my room and of course had sex. Twice. It felt wonderful as always. His friend left early in the morning and me and HIM stayed in bed till noon and then went to have some pizza again. And met that same friend on our way and went to eat all together....

And now of course when the alcohol is all evaporated I am starting to feel horrible about myself again...And I am blaming myself for sleeping with him again and I am mad at myself and mad at him too. Does he not care about me at all to just keep having sex with me?... I am thinking to write him a message now and say that we definitely have to stop sleeping together if he doesn't want any relationship, cause it just makes me feel used and not good enough for him to be his gf...or something along those lines... Cause I don't want to just keep this all inside and I don't want him to think he can use me like this. Even though my actions show that he probably can.. I am miserable again now...:[[[

[WiltedRose]

Awwww love I'm so so dangerously close to doing the same thing! I have 3 nights respite from my youngest (she's disabled!) and we've been messaging how much we miss each other and want to be in each other's arms etc etc but I have lots planned I don't want to be just moping around the house!! I'm trying to be strong and think of all the things he's done and said that have hurt me and why it'll never work. But I would do anything to just even see his ugly face it's been over 2 weeks now!


But you know what every time we do meet up we are only setting the clock back and we'll never move forward we'll get stuck in a rut! Xx

[lovemenot]

Yes I know that I am getting stuck in a rut and it sucks really..but every time I see him I just immediately feel so happy and every moment we spend together is the best moment of my day.
And after we had a few drinks I just can't stay away from him. Haven't felt this passion to anyone in a long time if ever... And I notice he drifts towards me too, every time we are at that pub quiz night..Like he sits closer and closer to me and our legs start touching or we play this studying game on his phone both curled up to one another...
And when we were sleeping this morning cuddled up to each other and he was holding me so tightly it just felt soooooo right and soo gooood...god what I would give up to stay in that moment forever...

But please hunny!! Don't make my mistake! Don't see him if it will lead to sleeping together. Yes it will feel amazing I bet at that moment, but you will only regret it afterwards, like I am regretting right now...Be strong!

[WiltedRose]

I absolutely can relate to all of that it just feels so right!!! & Thank you I will try, keep your head up hun x

[lovemenot]

Thanks you too! We'll get through this )

[lovemenot]

I wrote him a message saying that if after all we are just friends, then we definitely need to stop having sex, cause I cant just be friends with benefits without any feelings and attachment and it just makes me feel kind of used and not good enough for him to be his gf and that I don't want him to think that I am loose or smth and can just sleep around ad not care about it. And I also wrote that I don't want to believe that he's with me just for sex and that I believe we can truly become good friends. Because in fact we are very very similar people.
He responded with firstly apologizing for last night, but I totally took the blame for that - was my own fault I invited him to sleep over and went to bed with him..And said that I should realize myself that it's silly to think he could be with me just for sex and that I am definitely not not good enough for him even the opposite - he said I have everything what it takes and that everything is in front of me. And he's afraid he won't make it in this new career path that he chose (we are both studying now to change our careers).

Then we chatted a bit more and I really got it into my head that we are not getting back together, at least not any time soon. And I finally got some peace.
I even began to see him no longer as mister perfect but to see his flaws too and began to think that maybe he isn't really the greatest guy in the whole world if he treats me like this.
I feel rather calm now and I really really want to just focus on myself and learn to be happy by myself from within. I realized that I need to work with myself to become the best I can possibly be and also just focus on studying and building my life. And today for the first time in months I felt the need to take care of myself first rather than worry about him all the time.
And finally I am truly ok with the fact that we will just be friends for now. And I am even ok that maybe we wont ever be anything more again. Made my peace with it I think:] I still care about him and I honestly hope we can stay friends and I won't lose him from my life completely:]

I so wish that you, WiltedRose, make your peace with your relationship too and get some similar kind of closure too. And I hope mine isn't just temporary feeling and will last.

[WiltedRose]

Awwww I'm so pleased to hear this and hope it last too!! I too have been focused on his negative side a lot today and realised it will never work although it's made me rather emotional! But I've not messaged although I have drove past his street on my way home as I know he's been away and was not in a good place so at least I know he's home safe! I really do have to leave him to it he needs to find peace within himself if he's to have any relationship with anyone! So I really have to ignore any contact and restrain myself from contacting him when I'm out drinking! (Hope I don't see him haha) xx

[Markdg61]

I think all of us in the broke heart forum has gone through the or may still be going through pain of a broken heart. It is a terrible pain. In some cases worse than a broken bone and takes longer to heal.

I know because I've felt that horrible pain and probably just as bad as the way you're feeling now. Trust me when I tell you that it will get better and you will be able to hold your head up and look forward to each and every day.

7 cups helped me immensely. That and time was the best medicine that took away the pain.

Stay focused on the things you have to do. Keep in touch with friends and family. Let them know what is going on because they are the ones that can offer you some immediate comfort. You can chat with anyone of us on this forum. I'm sure anyone of us can help you through this. If it gets too bad, you may want to seek some professional help.

Stay in there. I promise it will get better.

[WiltedRose]

I'm struggling already and it's not even 8 o clock but going to have put a smile on my face for the sake of my Daughter and her prom! Feel like a failure of a mother I just want all this hurt to go now grrrrr x

[lovemenot]

awww, you are definitely not a failure of a mother. Experiencing such pain can totally overwhelm you and it's like some disease even, you can't control it. Even though you should smile and be happy for something so important as your daughter's prom, but the pain is still there and there's not that much you can do about it. I believe you are doing the best you can for her and I think if she knew all that was going on she would definitely understand you. So don't worry, it will all be ok And try your best not to text him. i know it becomes almost impossible once you had a few drinks, but then rather just write here if I am able I will try to respond.

Good luck to you and your daughter!

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I think all of us in the broke heart forum has gone through the or may still be going through pain of a broken heart. It is a terrible pain. In some cases worse than a broken bone and takes longer to heal.

I know because I've felt that horrible pain and probably just as bad as the way you're feeling now. Trust me when I tell you that it will get better and you will be able to hold your head up and look forward to each and every day.

7 cups helped me immensely. That and time was the best medicine that took away the pain.

Stay focused on the things you have to do. Keep in touch with friends and family. Let them know what is going on because they are the ones that can offer you some immediate comfort. You can chat with anyone of us on this forum. I'm sure anyone of us can help you through this. If it gets too bad, you may want to seek some professional help.

Stay in there. I promise it will get better.

Thank you. And yes by now I finally believe it will get better. Even though every morning I wake up alone it sucks... And i remember waking up next to him..Best to just focus on other things. And whenever I remember the past when we were together, I try to stay happy that it happened rather than cry over it's end...Even though I still hope we will be together in the future, but for now just have to stay strong and take care of my own life, no matter how pointless it seems without him...

I didn't try 7 cups yet, I feel like this forum and my friends help me enough for now. [MENTION=85848]WiltedRose[/MENTION] has been a great help. Thank you soo so much! It's so good to share all this with someone who understands so well what it all feels like.

[Snow White]

lovemenot, you are driving me crazy. " HE suggested for me to sleep with them too." "Them"? Also, the drunk sex? That use to be my life. It does sound by your last post like you are pulling yourself together.

Again, I have to be the bitch and tell you, if he really wanted a serious relationship with you, he would have one. "he needed more time to focus on studying instead of thinking about me and us all the time. And two weeks after we started dating, he left his ex, who was living with him for a year and that kind of hit him harder than he thought and he also had some issues with some of my behaviour and he also had some self-issues depression and other stuff.... So, he was still with his GF when he started seeing you.....he had to focus on studying but yet he can go to pubs with you and then have sex with you after.

I ask only that you keep your eyes wide open. When you meet the right one, he will have no excuses for you. He will give you !00%. Isn't that what you want? It certainly what you deserve.

[lovemenot]

Thank you [MENTION=85802]Snow White[/MENTION] for really opening my eyes, the more stuff you are saying the more I realize how right you are. It of course makes me feel horrible about myself...
How could I let him have such an impact on me and let him treat me this way??...
And why do I still allow him to take up so much of my mind?
And even though I realize now that probably most of the stuff he told me were just lies, just so he could use me for his convenience there still is a part of me that wants to believe him and to believe that what we had was real...
I am really hating myself now for allowing him to do this to me... and for making him so important in my life and caring for him so much while I was basically nothing to him... I have no idea how I can ever trust anyone again...
How could I've been so stupid and blind?
And even let him make me feel so bad about myself believing that I am not good enough...
I feel so pathetic and so dumb now...It makes me physically sick to think about all of this now...

God I wish I would never have to see him again. Have no idea how I will manage those 6 weeks left of studying... I hate my life

and even after all this there still is a part of me that hopes he would just come up one day and say he made a horrible mistake and wants me back and we would live happily ever after. I am so pathetic. i just need to see him more for the disgusting scumbag that he is instead of the perfect guy I made him to be in my head that he never really was. How can somebody play like that with someone...?

Now when I think about it, I could see signs all along, just wanted to believe they were not there and kept justifying them...ever since I first met him, I felt like it's too good to be true...If I only listened to my gut, instead of living in imaginary fairy tale world...

and to make myself seem not like a total idiot.."he had to focus on studying but yet he can go to pubs with you and then have sex with you after" - when he broke up with me he was really all about studying and it always really bothered him that we couldn't focus and study while we were together...and we didn't go to pubs then and didn't have sex - we would spend every single day just studying in the library and just few weeks later on friday we went for a couple of beers after studying the whole day. And then gradually when we learned more and more he realized he can also relax a bit and we would go to the pub quiz night then once a week and the sex just started like couple months ago...ahhh...whatever...I hate my life now ://

[WiltedRose]

I had the worst day yest :'( before work I went to see my mum and I told her I just felt like crying and she then verbally attacked me she said I'm selfish and she feels sorry for my girls just for still feeling like hurt and that her mum has just died and her friend is also dying and she wanted to punch me putting both her fist up to my face I saw red told her to do it haha then said she'll never see us again! I don't know how I got though work yest I really don't I wanted to run away and actually cried cutting someone's hair!!! My sister also has had enough of my tears and this is all they've had as I can't really talk to them they say just get over it he hasn't died. (My sis is my boss!)

Anyway I pulled myself together thinking just let me get my girl to the prom and I'll come home and ring the Samaritans I need to talk to someone let it all out! But seeing how excited and beautiful (shame I can't post a pic!) my daughter was made me happier when I came home I poured myself a couple of drinks and went to bed I was shattered then when my daughter arrived with lots of her friends for a sleepover I put in some earplugs and slept like a baby

I'm due to go away with my folks in 3 weeks but I can't be around my mum so have offered them their money back but I know that will be the end but I think a week away with my girls is what I need right now plus all this had out into prospective my man problem and Pushed my further away from it didn't feel the need to contact him or even need his support so every could and all that!

Anyway hope you're ok glad you are feeling more worthy Hun xx