I am a woman in my 40's. I have never sought help or posted anything online regarding broken heart. Not that I have never experienced it. It's just that I am not comfortable talking about it so I tend to keep things to myself. I would simply just cry in privacy but project a strong image when I am out. So, posting here is very humbling. It feels safe because people are strangers who probably won't harshly judge me. Or maybe they will.
I consider myself beautiful, smart, educated, loving and compassionate. To make a long story short, I had broken up with my bf (a month ago) who cheated on me twice. I forgave him once. Once I forgave him, I never brought it up or nagged about it. But I was cautious. 2 months into forgiving him, I once again found him on a dating site. I broke it off right away. I was dignified and took the high road in the break up. I am not one to sacrifice my dignity by calling names and going crazy. I simply said "Once again, you have breached my trust. You have taken my love for granted. Maybe not now, but someday, you will find the value in being with someone like me. I wish the best". Once that was said, I suffered in silence. Cried in my solitude. I cycled between being angry to nostalgic, to angry, then missed him (or what I thought he was). Some days I feel good, optimistic and feel happy that I am getting over him. Then some days, I feel pain that it confuses me how I can keep cycling from these emotions. Every day since we broke up, he has tried reaching out wanting to get back together. My hearts wants to, but my brain says HELL NO! So far, my brain is winning. I value myself enough to not be treated that way. I have standards of treatment and to me, that was unacceptable, non-negotiable. I keep asking myself "if you get back together with him, can you trust him again?" My answer is always NO! I will just be miserable wondering daily if he's faithful. That is not healthy for me emotionally and mentally. The sad part was, we were ring shopping already. I mourn for "what could have been", I mourn for the man who I thought he was. It doesnt help that he's sending me sweet and loving messages, but I am standing firm on my decision. I refused his invitation for lunch to talk. I know its a bad idea to see him. I'm afraid that it might set me back. Sometimes, you need to teach people how to treat you. Sometimes, you have to hurt so much to maintain your standards and keep you value and dignity.
I am angry at him for putting myself in this situation where I love him but can no longer be with him. I guess I am here for just some support. I know I am not going back to him. I just cant do that to myself. Between me and him, I chose me. I am simply seeking words of encouragement here for days that I am feeling low. It's not always easy to stay strong on days I feel vulnerable. Words of encouragement would be nice to help me sustain. I value your support since I don't talk to anyone about my pain. If you have reached this far in your reading, I thank you for taking your time. Thank you all in advance. I appreciate the time you take and your support for a stranger who needs you.