Living with depression?

[Gigi1981]

Hi there,

my husband has been suffering with depression for years which basically shows in at least one massive outburst every year. During these outbursts he questions everything, tells me a lot of hurtful things and leaves no doubt on his doubts. He has told me so many things he believes are going wrong, that I am not sure anymore whether this is just depression talking or whether he may be depressed because of those things going wrong. Especially in our relationship. He holds things against me that seem miniscule, like me not liking to drive our car (although I do and can) and he makes those issues big reasons why he struggles. He told me he struggles every day with the thought of issues in our relationship at the moment. Things like him potentially wanting kids and me not, me loving travel and him just wanting to hide away at his mum's etc. He is chopping and changing from excited about our upcoming holiday to telling me that he only plays excited for me but finds the thought of travelling exhausting.

I have lived with this ever since and supported him through those times and got him to seek help with psychologists in the past. But I am no longer sure that I can continue especially as his words start working in me and I am losing faith in that his words are only based on the outbursts of depression.

I am wondering whether anyone out there has extensive experience with people suffering from depression? I could really use some other people's insight.

Thanks in advance,
Gigi

[richiro]

Hi Gigi. This one is tough. I've been with bipolar, chemical/clinical depression, etc.
It is EXTREMELY tough to discern what is being blanketed by the condition vs what the condition is triggering. I'm with you there. May I ask - is your husband in counseling and on medication? That's a VERY important question for anybody going thru these conditions.

As far as the answer you are looking for.. boy that's a tough one. What I will say is this: it's not for everybody. I have learned about myself in dealing with this that I am NOT the right person for these folks. I do not have the strenght or know-how to deal with this. So i am not the righ tperson for such situations.

That being said, I also think it's about ... the intangibles. I am starting to develop the belief that "if its the right person".... If it's the right person and there is unconditional love then there is just no question - you do without thinking. I'ms tarting to believe this because I've learned a lot about love when i became an Uncle to my niece and 2 nephews. Those little buggers are spoiled BRATS and very frustrating and out of control!!! lol. but there is no doubt in my mind I love them and will forever love being their Uncle and will always be there for them NO MATTER WHAT. They're blood. It's something I"m willing to suck it up for because they are the next generation of my blood. And are my brother's kids.

That has lit the bulb in my head when it comes to my personal relationships. I hate to say it.. but if you are asking the question.. is the answer in and of itself is it not?
That also being said, an annual blow-up is extremely minimal for people in this condition. If it's something you can realize and undersatnd it's just the 1 weak time he has every year and to not take any of it with any weight - does that change how you see an perceive your feelings and willingness to be with him?

My last piece of advice or thought on this is: NOW is not the time to discuss and decide (when a blow-up happens). The best time to decide and discuss this and figure it out, is when things are perfect. That's when you can make the most progress - when you're at your most DISTANT from the issue so you can both be productive and reasonable about it.

Good luck.

[Gigi1981]

Hi Richiro,

Thank you so much for your words, it really helps to hear from somebody other than my own brain and my husband. You raised some good points there, in particular the last one about timing of decisions and conversations. My husband has, in the past, sought help from psychologists and we have twice gone to counselling together. Every time it helped, however, it was just never a long-term help and relief. We do not seem to break the cycle with him having depressive tendencies that come back up after a few months of help. And I understand that this happens given that depression is a matter that can be managed, yet not cured. I have spoken to him again yesterday and after some initial resistance got him to find help for his own sake. I have offered him to organise it and even come along if he likes but the key of it should be for him to find help and more happiness. I made it very clear that this is the only objective for me suggesting it to him as I cannot imagine he would feel very comfortable having all this confusion and sadness in his life. So he will be reaching out to his EAP and a few other options today and I really hope it will help and last. I told him that I believe he may need ongoing help. In the past, he went to a few sessions, kind of felt better but then stopped. I do not believe anymore that intermittent help is enough. I think he will need ongoing support and maybe even medication (which he is likely not open to). So I will see how this goes and am hoping that it will at least help him. But I cannot fight the doubts whether it will help me and our relationship anymore. Although he only has annual big outbursts, he is constantly unsure about things and doubting them. The only reason why he has outbursts is because he bottles things up over the months leading up to it. So that makes me wonder whether he actually feels truly happy at any time at all. And I am coming to a point where I can’t help but feel that maybe he truly is in the wrong relationship. I am happy with him (with the exception of these recurring and painful issues) but if he just isn’t, maybe it’s not because he is depressed but because we are really not good for one another.

I will give it some weeks to see how he improves and most of all, because I do not want to make a decision right now that we may regret and that may make him worse. He said yesterday that he considered suicide. I am not sure whether he says that to seek attention or because he really entertains the thought. Either way, I do not want to aggravate his situation with my decision should I make it. But I am so full of doubt that we will ever just have a happy relationship where we both equally believe in a future together. He does not even do that at the moment. Our plans of moving overseas in a few years’ time are less appealing now, he says. And he believes we are diverging. Isn’t that a clear sign that he is already giving up on this relationship?

Anyway, sorry, these are all a lot of thoughts and of course, nobody can give me an answer to those questions. But it is nice to know somebody understands my side a little. I just really don’t know what to do. We just bought an apartment together at the end of last year, we have investments together. It is all so difficult to split but I don’t think it should be a consideration in the decision. Everything is manageable, right? Even if it is extremely painful. If I only had a way to tell the future but most of all, if I only had a true insight into my husband’s thoughts and what he really wants deep down. I am not sure he knows but sometimes I wonder whether he actually does and just doesn’t want to accept it and speak it out. His behaviour has thrown me into a complete whirl of confusion yet again and I am not sure what is the right thing to do. And I am scared of a life without him – not because I cannot make it but because it is so grossly different to what I have had the last eight years.

Anyway, thank you again for listening and responding!

Have a lovely day,
Gigi

[TheEvilJester]

Well, as somebody who has battled with his own depression, I can offer some thoughts of my own, All I can say, though, is that these are MY personal experiences, so they may or may NOT apply to your husband. However, in my personal experience, yes some things may become ELEVATED when I'm depressed (in other words, something may bother me more than it otherwise would) but nothing is 100% just because of my depression. In other words, if I say something is bothering me at a time when I am at my worst.... it legitimately IS something that bothers me. Maybe it bothers me more than it otherwise should/would because of me being at my worst, but it is still something that legitimately bothers me.

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to the questions you pose. I wish I could say there were. Yes, if you can help it, it is certainly ideal to stay together and try to help him to get the help he needs. The thing is, there does honestly come a time when you have to worry about yourself. As much as you may love him, and as much as he may not mean to be this way, if having him in your life becomes detrimental to your own well-being, even just mentally/emotionally, there very well could come a time where you are better off living him alone. Especially if he refuses to do anything to help himself. You can't help somebody who won't help themselves.

But, even if he does try to fight for himself.... it could even still hit a point where you cannot be there for it anymore. That doesn't make you a bad person. You can't just let yourself be dragged down as well. If that is what this relationship does, then you owe it to yourself to do what is right for you. If you didn't care, you wouldn't even be having this debate. You wouldn't be here asking us. The fact that you ARE going through all this makes me feel like you are a good person.... but you need to be good to you as well.

I sincerely hope he finally does get the help he needs. Depression sucks. Nobody should ever have to go through that. But, whether it winds up being with him or not, I also hope you are able to find the happiness you deserve.

Good luck.

[Shoukon]

Hello Gigi1981,
Throughout my years of practice as a psychoanalytical psychotherapist, and personal experience, I'd first emphasize that you should find yourself help, even if it happens before he does. Living with someone who has, at minimum, depression wears us down as we are induced with their intense feelings which interfere with our own psyche. Find some support such on places like this, psychotherapist, good friends, all and anywhere you can.

For your husband, depression cannot be treated months at a time every time something goes bad. The worse time for someone depressed or has a chronic mental illness, and the majority of people, to quit therapy is when they get better. It's a trick that a good therapist should let you guys know about. Things will start to get "better" a few months into therapy and if you leave you're setting yourself up for failure.

Medication is a scary thing, especially with everything that's going on. If he's totally against medication, don't push, but make sure he gets into weekly therapy or psychotherapy.

One of my biggest concerns was when you said, "I will give it some weeks to see how he improves and most of all, because I do not want to make a decision right now that we may regret and that may make him worse." I feel that you've had this thought and gone through this every year. Seeing what you're going to do, but giving him a few weeks to get better and most of the time he gets better within that time frame. Something is going on there between you two that a professional/support could help weed out because it's a sign of a destructive repetition/cycle between you two which will keep the both of you stuck where you don't want to be.

Let me know if I misunderstood or didn't say anything clearly or if you have any questions.