Basically what my screen name is IS my trouble.

[CantMoveOn]

Thank you to each whom has posted in my absence and I promise to reply to each post this weekend when I have more time and not half asleep.

I will add that I had gone at least one full month never dreaming of him or his new one and last night I dreamt of both and I don't know why they were on my mind. I never talked to him, still been over a year that I made contact and I haven't looked at her IG for along while and my friend who knows people who him and her has not discussed either with me at my request. I feel my mind betrayed me

Again, promise to take extended time on each reply this weekend. x

[Shoukon]

Hey, don't stress over it. Take care of yourself. We'll be here.

[lovebroken]

Did you recently think to yourself, " Yay, I haven't thought of him in forever"? Because that in itself could have triggered the dream for you because by thinking even to yourself about not thinking of him made you actually truly think about him in a strange way if you understand what I mean.

[TheEvilJester]

Unfortunately, you can't control your dreams. Dreams don't always make sense. I, for one, almost never even think about my ex anymore..... yet she still manages to pop up in my dreams once in a while. I always HATE the dreams where her and I are back together or still together.... but I will say they do make me wake up and love my present life that much more just for being free of her. So, really, your dream may not have meant anything. Dreams are weird like that. If you think about somebody constantly you may dream about them. But, on the other hand, you may not have seen or even thought of somebody in YEARS and suddenly you will dream about them anyway. I have sometimes randomly dreamed about peeps I haven't seen since high school.

[Shoukon]

Dreams are in interesting subject because there's this false ideal that dreams are the royal road to the unconscious when it is truly that the interpretation of the dream is the royal road of the unconscious. Just as TheEvilJester mentioned, they may have had a dream about being together with an ex-lover, but the content and feelings of that dream awoken them to loving and appreciating their current lover that much more.

[TheEvilJester]

That was actually a typo that I just now noticed and fixed. God I HATE my own typos. That was meant to say I appreciate my present LIFE much more. LOL! I don't HAVE a present love, and don't really think I'll ever be so lucky again.

But, again, dreams are more a reaction to our feelings, to our day to day experiences... and yet also sometimes just completely random. So, sure you could possibly dream about him because he is still at the back of your mind even if you realize it or not..... you could dream about him because of some general upset feelings otherwise in your life that cause your dreams to be upsetting as well, or about other things/people who upset you..... or you could dream about him simply because he happened to pop up in your dream.

Sometimes my dreams are in some way reflecting things happening in my life or things I'm thinking about, worrying about, excited about, etc. Sometimes, my dreams are completely and delightfully just bizarre. Like, entertainingly weird. I always remember probably about the weirdest dream I ever had as an example of how dreams do NOT always have some hidden meaning. Sometimes they are just dreams.

I once had a dream that I was Ace Ventura and I was riding on what was basically a missile. I landed on some moon or planet and the ground had the consistency of pudding. That was it. That was basically the dream. What in God's name would that mean? LOL! So, sometimes dreams are just random. Just little movies our brain shows us while we sleep.

[CantMoveOn]

Thanks all. On the dreaming of him, maybe I was unconsciously thinking about him or about not thinking about him and why I dreamed. Spent so many years over 10 with him always in the first thoughts of my mind I can see why my mind won't let go so easily but I can be certain he isn't having any similar issues he can let go perfectly fine. I used to call him a robot, no emotions at times,no expression of remorse, sorries unlike myself. I think what bothers me the most is now they are like a god damn tag team in my dreams. Can't have him without her, WHY? Because I have accepted he loves her? Or because I no longer love him?

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Been dealing with my dads house and estate and it is taking a toll on my emotions, and nerves so is why I haven't been able to log back on to address posts like I previously promised.

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Honestly, it could even be that they just didn't see your thread or didn't get around to responding. We seem to go through periods here where nobody is posting for a while, then we become busier again, then nobody is posting for a while and so on. Your thread could have been a victim of either of those times. Could have been when we were busy enough that people missed it. Could have been when it was slow enough that not many were around to see it.

I will also say that, from my experience, a lot of people don't truly understand deep suffering the way perhaps folks like you and I do. They act like things should be SO easy to get over and get annoyed with people who are having some trouble getting through something that has wounded them so deeply. I mean, to some degree I do believe that you should do everything within your power to move on and not let something effect you so profoundly..... but sometimes you can't help what has wounded you and how hard that is to get past.

They mistake difficulty moving on for an unwillingness to move on. I am quite sure you would LOVE it if you could magically, right now, just completely move on and not give a single $h*t about this jerk anymore. If it were that simple, you'd have done it long ago. But, this has effected you deeply enough that you've had trouble moving past it. People think offering advice like "just get over it, already" is helping... but in my personal opinion it is belittling somebody else's life experiences. It is over-simplifying something. Maybe to them the same experience wouldn't be enough to effect them that deeply.... but to you it was. Again, if it were as simple as "just get over it," then I am rather sure you would have.

I do hope you get over it very soon because you deserve to be happy. Furthermore, that jerk doesn't deserve a second's thought in your mind anymore. And, I will say.... if you have been unable to move on, then maybe there are other ways you should try. I can't pretend to know what they'll be because no two people are alike. It does sound unlikely that you'll ever get any kind of truth from him. I wish you could if that would offer you the closure you need, but it seems unlikely, so you may be better off trying to determine how you can be happy and move on without that. I'm not saying that with any intention of being harsh. You deserve closure.... it's just that this jerk obviously isn't going to offer it, so for now at least accept closure in the form of realizing he is a scumbag who never deserved you anyway.

Good luck, friend. You deserve so much better, and you WILL find it someday. Until then, all my best to you.

You are so very right on that I wish I could magically move on and no longer give this and him a second thought and I wish I didn't invest my heart and so many years on a person whom I felt almost all of that time loved me in a close yet not similar way as I loved him and would never do things I have since come to learn he has done. The giving of my ring, hurt alot the stealing of my wedding plans for us to use for them HURT oddly even more. The forcing me to believe he wanted us to be real friends hurt too, so I know all the 12345's of why I can;'t move on but I guess I hate myself for being so weak that I can't forget and release it from myself like a normal person can and he did.

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I will say this. I have been divorced twice. I have been in love and have been crushed. I have fallen for the same type of guy who has treated me like an asshole because I lacked self esteem from my upbringing. Boo hoo hoo. What I have learned from all my pain is that people come into our lives for a reason.

All of these experiences are to teach us about ourselves. We can't just cry victim. We allowed and attracted that other person into our lives. Why? I didn't read your thread from the beginning, but are you going to tell me that he did a complete 360 into a person that you didn't recognize?

The weird thing is, he wasn't the same type of guy for me he was the different type of guy and probably why I loved him more and wanted to move away to be with him and accepted his proposal if I ever felt for one second or could see what my future held in store for me I never would have taken that jump. So no, I really had no idea he would turn out as he was or it would turn out as it did. I had faith. I do lack self esteem too, from my childhood and my mother. What reason would be for what I am left with from this person? He's moved on, why can't I? Haven't spoken in any way for over a year, he has reached out for almost 6 months, calls, texts, messenger, email and I ignored. I never once gave in and contacted and cried over fact I haven't. Who misses a person who hurt them? Feels like Stockholm Syndrome.

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Hello CantMoveOn. I apologize for the delay on the post, I have the same problem of re-reading everything I’ve written.

While rereading your posts, I felt that there has been no space for real grieving because of, at minimum, having no one to really speak to. It can be that even when we communicate with people, it’s not healing. I’ve understood that throughout my life and I found myself someone that had an emotional presence with me. Someone who is emotionally present with you is someone who shares your moments with you without an agenda or plan and have no expectation of you, you are free to say anything with no fears of judgment. They are curious to listen, and handle everything with you. I told a client of mine to bring me to their Hell, and we’ll go through it together. Finding someone to go through my Hell with me was the only way I ever started healing from traumas of my life and allows me to do the same for others in my work.

I don’t know if these quotes will help, but you came to mind when I read it. This is from a book called Emotional Presence in Psychoanalysis by Dr. John Madonna. It’s late in his book where he’s speaking about loss and brings up grief and two stages of grief that aren’t part of the popular stages of grief psychology speaks about.

“During the first, or impact phase, shock and denial are intense. One feels violently torn from one’s “assumptive world,” that is, from the fundamental sense of security enabled by the rules and beliefs to which we subscribed to ensure constancy and safety. So massive is the rupture that we become emotionally numb, fall into a state of disbelief and disorientation. We can feel alienated from others, ourselves and life in general. During the next phase, the chaos phase, when the numbness wears off, vulnerability to damaging emotional and physical repercussions often result. A feeling of powerlessness, anxiety, fear, anger, guilt, and depression can crescendo into disturbed perceptions, inordinate behavior and a perverse sense of dis-equilibrium (pp. 181).”

Every once in a great while, my Psychoanalyst I see weekly, will give me a framework for how I’m feeling. Such as the quote above. It’s to make everything that’s going on feel less chaotic enough to be able to speak and get just a bit centered. With the quote above, you can be in and out of both of the phases, being numb and then feeling very vulnerable and depressed and back to numb. It's not wrong to be severely disorientated after what happened.

Just ideas and quotes in the service of trying to shorten your pain by finding the root of why this happened somehow won’t work to create healing. Firefighter’s don’t run into a burning building and find the candle that started the fire and bring it outside. The building would still be burning and nothing would be fixed. My best advice is to find someone you are comfortable enough to talk with that cares to hear, listen and understand you as I had spoken about above. One of the problems with the pain of severe betrayal is that it rips you away from everyone because if we can’t trust the person we gave all of our love to, how can we trust anyone? The most destructive thing to do is to avoid finding a constructive relationship with someone. There are people out there who don't care what you bring to them, they'll be there.

Let me know if you have any questions about anything I said or specific ones.

Hi and thank you for looking over my thread, Shoukon and giving your professional thoughts on my situation.

No, only person I could talk to freely with out judgments was my dad and he passed away last year and we would occasionally talk on this issue. But being a dad he didn't want me dwelling on a person who he felt might not have ever loved ME, as in me as a real person with hopes and dreams and he might have only loved the surface of me with him. Parts of me that made him feel good and not thinking about returning those good feelings, you know what I mean? My dad always said if someone loves you they won't lie to you, they trust you with their truths and they tell you them because you are to share the good the bad and the ugly as one. No secrets. If they can't do that, they don't love you, they only love themselves and want something from you.

After I broke it off and came home I did feel numb, but I have really only alienated myself this last year wonder why I delayed that part for so long? I try to perk myself up more for others over doing it for myself. Everyone knows if you want company they really don't like a misery kitten about, they want a fun one, who makes their time better not worse.

Does it help to ever re connect the person that has hurt you the most or am I doing right by remaining silent?

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I was just reading some of your own particular posts in your thread, [MENTION=85495]CantMoveOn[/MENTION], because I don't have a lot of time ATM to read through all fully... but will give you a reply and then with more time to sort through your other replies back to other members and gleen more info ..I can talk on this more with you, if you'd like.
Lovebroken prompted me to your thread.

I think it is awful that ... he gave a ring bought years ago for a woman he loved to the next woman he dated and proposed to right after you... and if I read this wrong please correct me... after you both discussed that in leaving the token behind he does not do that to you, out of respect...I'd be pissed off too if I had the same conversation and the other person agreed.... It makes you wonder then when someone who claimed to love and love you goes back on a promise that means so much what else they never meant too, Am I right on that? Is this where it all begins with your questioning, or even before that point?

I think if all you needed to do was tell someone he hid you away from the truth, no matter the time that passed and if you felt that would garner any kind of closure I would have said Go for it!! I don't see why your therapist wouldn't have encouraged it to, and helped you word out what you wanted to say, so it wasn't so full of passion but more logical and composed.

My ex.. cheated on me with a girl he was working with and broken up with me right before Christmas, I had no idea and we had a long relationship as well, not as long as you had from your posts but it was quite awhile and I was blindsided and that was what caused me the most pain to have someone who I trusted 100 percent be so disloyal.

Thank you and to lovebroken also forgot to say thank you to Snow white for replying as well. I like knowing what other women feel on this.

I wanted the ring to go to his niece or nephew whom I was never allowed to meet but I have a niece and love her and I adore kiddies so that was our agreed promise. Just another thing he broke because probably gives him secret sick pleasure to know she is wearing my ring(s) most likely the set. I think him lying about dating her, living with her and then proposing to her hurt me all the most and started this level of unheal-able pain in me. Why disrespect me more by lying? I no longer lived in Au, back in Canada I can go see her, I would never contacted her. Only his sister maybe to tell my truth with him. he was a coward and a liar. Unbearable. A cheat probably too. I have had ways to contact all his family for years I never have, I never was disloyal to my promise. Look what that got me

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And the pain is good because it makes you feel the loss.
However there will come a time where you chose to become happy again and where you sit down take a piece of paper and write down possibilities for a new happy and healthy you.
There will come a time where you lets say register for a dating site or enjoy the company of other people
The time when you wonder what you want now instead and then the Realisation that this is actually so much better then the misery you'd have been in otherwise

True but for all these years? I am in a misery loop of his and mostly now my own making and I can't escape it, even through medications and therapy and time.

I know what happy would look like on paper, just don't think it is achievable anymore. Weird part is I don't want to go back, redo and continue with him, I saw his true face and didn't like it and took my heart away from that person to protect my heart but in the end it is as broken as if I had stayed. He just didn't love me, that is bottom line. Never saw or felt it until when I saw that IG posts showed to me showing his engagement trip. I thought he was away with second job, working not holidaying and proposing. Another lie he told me and time of him doing this he was still flirting with me like he was single and making me think we could try again. Who does that?

[Shoukon]

Hey, good to see you back around.

No, I wouldn't reconnect. You've been doing right by staying away, there's nothing life giving there for you.

[lovebroken]

I agree with what, Shoukon said to you. Do not go back to chatting with your ex in any way shape or form after all this time avoiding him. Your pain will only increase for you worse than what you already experience in the now.

[CantMoveOn]

Thank you, Shoukon and lovebroken. Okay, I'll stay the course on keeping distant and no contact with him. Some days I feel weak and miss him and talking since we were friends for years before in a relationship so sometimes I miss my friend. But, guess in reality after all that has passed he wasn't much of a friend to me either.

[lovebroken]

He has major character flaws and that sort of thing doesn't just disappear so you know : the lying, hiding and putting himself first is ongoing.

It wasn't what he just did with you, CantMoveOn, it is who this person is. Better off without him. He is toxic.

[TheEvilJester]

I've said it before, but you were with him for 10 years. Why WOULDN'T that be hard to get over? So, please don't think yourself weak, or stupid, or anything else negative like that. You once thought he was something great. You once thought he was something real... your true love. In all honesty, you mourn the loss of what you THOUGHT you had. You aren't really mourning the loss of HIM, because the person you thought he was turned out to be a complete lie.

And yet, still, you find it hard to let go of the hurt of that deception. You find it hard to get over the loss of that love you thought was real. You know what that tells me? That tells me you are human. That tells me you are a good person who got taken advantage of and is hurting from it. More importantly, it tells me there is still hope for you. It tells me you still want love. If you didn't, you wouldn't be mourning a love you thought you had. If you didn't want love anymore, or had given up hope that it is possible, you'd not be hurting over this in the slightest.

So, bizarre as it may sound, the hurt is a good thing. Not that it is good if it lasts too long. Though, frankly, it is the sort of thing where a single day feels too long. But, in time you will feel better. You deserve somebody great. But even more so, you deserve to realize YOU are pretty damn awesome. Even if it takes you a while to find the person you are really meant to find, you deserve to be happy just within your own life. You will find somebody. I know it may be hard for you to see right now, but it will happen.

And, I know it can be so hard to get over the hurt of something you once thought was so real. It will be easier in time. Even if it has taken you longer than you'd like, you will move on. If you want to and can, it never hurts to seek the help of a professional. Even if you COULD eventually be okay on your own, why suffer longer than you have to if a trained professional may be able to help you move on faster? Good luck to you. Sincerely. You deserve somebody great. This jerk does NOT deserve the effect he has on you. You deserve happiness, and you will find it some day. Until then, just do the best you can to keep going.

[Hooo!]

Who indeed does that?
That's a real question btw. Pls answer it.

I think the problem is as follows: you made a detailed plan abou your life which included him in all your futures.
Now you do not want that anymore but also cannot be happy because you actually did not imagine (up until now) any future without him.

If I am correct we are going to make some serious reframing and retargeting. But I need you to confirm this with yOur own words.

[CantMoveOn]

Thanks each of you. Been a few weeks since visiting here, I think about a month? Not been a good month for me mental health wise said a bit about it in one of my Off Topic threads but still also with "him" I checked that old email he used for me and was a few mails on there since we last talked to each other, not many but unopened mails because I never logged into that gmail at all since December I think last year so over 8 months all since after knowing he married and went to NY where I sometimes stay. Sickened me and can't open mails. I am sure they are useless one lines of nothing and not one will be truthful and say he married, got a dog, bought a expensive home and so on or that all his family are close with her, but never be honest why I was hidden. If I had just been told truth, that is love in form of respect I could have been content with that little effort towards and for me. I'm tired of being disrespected. Tired of narcissistic aholes around me ( sister) and behind me ( him).

[lovebroken]

I wouldn't open the mails are all, it won't bring closure only more pain because you know he can't do right by you, and is only right to assume in those mails he still hasn't been honest with you.

Always remember you changed your life, left family, friends, job, life behind for him, sacrificed and still he couldn't tell his family he loved you, was engaged to marry you. That is what a normal man would do immediately but not him. Don't ever look back at him as he was, see him for what and how he is only.