Am I being manipulated by my prior bf? HELP!!

[soconfused321]

I am 60 and was dating sometime who is 65 for over 4 years and I broke up with him a few times mostly because he lied about poor finances. He lost his job a few months ago and wants to marry me after he gets a job. There is a job he interviewed for that looks promising. While he seems to be truthful about his finances he has no savings and plans to pay off his credit card debt after he sells his mothers condo which is currently for sale. If he get the job the salary will be very modest and not enough to save for retirement or an emergency. At 65 he doesn't have a lot of choices. He has no money for retirement saved and intends to start collecting social security next year to supplement any salary. He tells me that we belong together and is constantly pursuing me telling me he will be like a father to my kids. I lost my husband almost 6 years ago. He is a good family man that much I know and I believe he really does love me. But I told him I can't take on any responsibility at this point. I have a good professional job, nice home and a comfortable amount in the bank to live on and through retirement but I need to take care of myself and my kids who aren't established yet.

I have been seeing someone during our breakups and he is very settled and kind to me and my kids. He lives a distance but comes to me on weekends. Although I'm not in love with this person at this time, I am so relaxed around him because I know I can trust him and I don't need to worry about money and how we can afford to enjoy life together.

How do I know if my prior bf is using me because I am in very good financial condition and have a nice home and he has virtually no money other than unemployment at this point? I told him I couldn't be with him unless he was gainfully employed and could take care of himself. But he insists on seeing me 1 or 2 times a week telling me he is close to being employed and he told me not to see anyone else. Am I being manipulated? How long do I wait and should I break off my other relationship or the other way around???

[pcmaster]

So its all about money. It seems truth as older women gets as more she cares about money.

I think you should just decide whats more important to you - love or money. Women chooses between 3 things- Love, money, sex. Seems like in your case you care mostly about love and money. So these are the two choices you have to make.

Your ex BF might indeed like you a lot and he have reason because attraction also comes from higher value - you have more money than him so it makes him believe you are right match for him, good enough to try for. However you dont see this higher value in him. Higher value might also come from looks, social status etc.

He might indeed love you but in reality love is almost never enough. There must be more things for a good match to last. Like matching personalities etc.

I see a typical male and female mindset here - male things he will get a woman and problems will sort out - finds a job and so on. Female things that guy have to sort his problems out first before getting into relationship.
You might be this guy motivation to get his life together but I see that you dont want guy who is not ready for life together.
I think this is all about believing. Either you believe that guy can solve his problems and see potential in a man that he can be. Or you dont. Simple as that.

I see that you are not in age when you want to start everything together from a zero. But you are not also in age where you take love lightly as something that comes and goes often. So you want to be sure if this guy really loves you not your money. You could check that out by telling him that you lost all your money and see if he still wants to be together. Or tell him you can be together but would keep your finances separately like you wont help him - you both are buying what you want with your own money, he would have to take care of himself financially.

Your confusion is understendable as this is not the first time when I see woman is confused between choosing guy with money or guy with love.
This reminds me youtube video - 5 Factors That Hook Women Like Crack. Guy was talking that women are not really attracted to money and looks for example, but they get attracted to adventurenes and confidence, things like that. There are things that creates deeper attraction in subconscious mind. This video might help you to understand yourself better -

https://youtu.be/JoRlb6xcymA

[TheEvilJester]

This would be a tough call for us to make. Especially with so little information. It could be that he truly loves you, it could be that he is just trying to use you for your money. But, that is hard for us to tell. You would be better able to judge the signs and make that call.

I will say this. Love is definitely more important than money.... but at the same time, that doesn't mean money is NOT important. So, if this is enough of a deal breaker for you, that does not make you wrong. On the other hand, if you feel you truly do love him/could love him, then maybe that is worth pursuing further even if his monetary situation isn't quite what you'd like. It really just comes to how much of a deal breaker it is for you.

At his age, you are right that his situation probably isn't going to change. It is a shame to be at his age and not have a decent savings/retirement plan. Sadly, it does happen, though. Way too often. When it comes to money and relationships, I have always sort of thought of it like this. Love IS more important than money.... but that doesn't mean you plan for failure. That doesn't mean you fall in love so you just stop worrying about money at all. That is foolish and wrong. You should still try for the best.... it's just that love should be there even during the worst. But, if somebody isn't even bothering to try that doesn't mean their partner should be okay with it because "love should be enough." Maybe he IS trying, maybe not. I don't know.

When it comes down to it, though, it is up to you really to decide whether this situation is/can be right for you or not. Good luck to you.

[pcmaster]

Russians have saying - without money theres no love.

I once asked 19 or 20 year old girl would she date a beautiful guy who lives on a street. And she said no.

I think its easier to fall in love when you dont have money. When I think about it then happiest I was when I didnt had enough food and most in love when didnt had much money.
I think having a lot of money is a big burden - huge strain on soul. Without money soul is pure and clear much like that of a child's soul.

[richiro]

why would you.... consider breaking up with a man who you self admittedly "are so relaxed" about and have nothing negative to say about the man (even though ou're still deveoping)?
for a man that has lied to you to cause you to already break up with him many times already - who is telling you not to see anybody else because he doesn't wnat you to and because he wants you - and is promising that once all these factors come into place thigns will be better?

doesn't seem all that logical to me that you're even asking the question. you're talking about leaving a man you've never felt the need to break up with that hasn't given you any reason to break up with, to get back with a lying man you've broken up with many times?

what's the debate here?

[pcmaster]

Yeah good reply [MENTION=69583]richiro[/MENTION]. This was dificult topic but you made it look so easy.

Think theres just feelings involved and addiction to drama.

[Hooo!]

True is just love richiros answers
Pure genious most of the time