When you love someone who is getting married to someone else, what do you do?

[whatcanbedone]

Here is the story. I was with this person for 4 years (throughout college). We lived in different states but managed to stay together through everything. After graduating I didn't want to push her to moving to where I live, so I allowed her to find her own career path. Fast forward about 2 years, I started having health issues and they were all leading to cancer at the time. (Thankfully that wasn't the case). During that time I kept pushing her away intentionally because I didn't want her dealing with it. I couldn't forgive myself if I ever put her through any of that. So we decided we would go our separate ways after constant fighting and arguing over the smallest things. I attempted reaching out to her previously just to talk and never got a response. She has blocked me from all forms of communication. Now I find out she is engaged and will be getting married. I still to this day love this woman more than I have ever loved anyone. The worst part is she has no idea why I pushed her away in the first place. I just don't know what to do. We haven't spoken in almost 4 years now and I am not sure what to do.

[GLYC]

The truth is there is nothing to do, I would let it go, shes getting married.

What you did, was a mistake. I know you realize this. All you can do is express remorse for what you did, and say that you would like to start over and for her to get in contact with you if she feels the same.(But she's getting married)

The hard thing is, she cut off all communication with you. You couldn't tell her what was going on. It's impossible to deal with things like this when someone refuses to communicate. All you can do is express how you feel, by using what I stated, and move on. But she's blocked you.

When women don't communicate, they're hurt, or completely over you. It sucks dealing with this, you can never express yourself or explain things, which is why having good communication skills is so important early on. That way you never hold back and no needed things are left unsaid. She probably just thought you were a jerk.

I don't want to say what you should have done, because at this point, its irrelevant. But, you needed to properly communicate things ND you both could have split with no hard feelings which would have kept things open for the future (now present). But what's done, is done.

[WiltedRose]

You need to move on as she already has but I think you already know this! You must try to let her go or this will always leave you broken and you will never be ready to find another love and you could feel this again! I know it's hard been there I idolised this man and would have done anything for him but it wasn't meant to be.

[whatcanbedone]

I appreciate the feedback. This is one of those easier said than done situations. I know it was all my fault to begin with. Just couldn't live with that burden if something did happen at the time. I am genuinely happy for her for finding love and I am not mad at her. I am more so mad at myself because she meant everything to me and that was supposed to be me. The hardest part is coming to terms with it and I almost wish I or she did something wrong to justify the break up. I invested 6 years of my life with this person and here we are, not even on speaking terms. And not like I haven't tried.

[GLYC]

Well, it sounds like you've already reached out in the past and offered amends. That's the best you can do. The marriage thing spurred out and returned previous feelings, as deep down you had the idea that the two of you would possibly get back together down the line. Nothings ever all your fault, maybe the majority of it was, but there was a lack of communication here.

And yeah, not being on speaking terms, however, that's her decision. I think it's immature, but that's just how she wants to handle things. Shutting you out completely. It hurts to have this happen to you, you have things that are left unsaid, things you regret, etc. It leaves you feeling worthless, as it feels like you aren't even worth the time it takes to make a response. Which feels terrible.

I'm sweet and kind to all women I've dated, even the ones who mistreated me at times. It's a better way to live. Does that mean I'll drop everything for them or wish to rekindle things? No. But I respect them, and I do care about them. Maybe let that serve as something to show that she isnt a person you really need. Mentally, you can still send her good thoughts. But I think you need to be checking out of this.

[dollhouse]

Mentally ( to yourself), wish her well if you can't personally wish her well... you can't go backwards, better to move on with some good memories and not wishing any re-kindling of lost love. Live in the present and look for a new love as she has. You should check out CantMoveOn's thread in this section there is a somewhat similar vein happening but opposite genders. Maybe you could pick each others brains

[whatcanbedone]

You have all given me a lot to think about. And I think I just needed that push to keep telling myself I need to move on. I have dated plenty of women since then but I didn't want anything more. We have mutual friends and I know she asks about me from time to time. There are a lot of things unsaid and I feel as if they are going to stay that way. I wish her well, I really do. Just knowing we could never be is the worst part.

[GLYC]

Maybe the next time her friends reach out to you, just voice some things to them. Just be honest and speak from the heart. Explain what happened, say you regret it. Say that you cant voice that to her, which hurts. I think that might help you heal a little bit more. It will get back to her eventually.

Don't expect a cancelled wedding, and a phone call though. Let's be realistic.

Good luck bud. Tough situation.

[whatcanbedone]

I have been honest with the mutual friends situation and explained what happened because at the end of it all, I am the one that ended up looking like the asshole and I understand why. So I wanted to explain myself so they would understand where I was coming from. But I also said not to say anything because it really doesn't matter what happened at this point.

I don't expect anything. Just wish after that many years I would be respected enough to have a conversation with. Guess it just wasn't meant to be. And I hope who ever she is marrying treats her well and she lives the life she always dreamed of and that is really all I can do.

[GLYC]

Well, the fact that she asks about you still says something. I think part of her still cares.
If I don't care about somebody, I never ask others what they're up to. I just don't give a ****.

And that's mature of you to feel that way towards her.
You want to be on speaking terms with her, and I think that you feel like that will bring you the ultimate closure that you need.
But, it doesn't matter. I've been in positions where women shut me out of their life like this. You have to remind yourself that she's made a decision, to keep you out of her life. In that aspect, she doesn't value having you around as much as you do for her. You keep thinking that you have to do something. Why.

My thoughts? **** it. Unless and until that changes, if it ever does, I'm out of here.
I tried to reconcile and work things out. They weren't open to it.
So. I'll find someone new, in fact, I'll find someone better.
And it doesnt matter how long that's going to take me, I've always found someone else eventually.

[TheEvilJester]

The others have already said to you essentially exactly what I was thinking. You made a mistake.... but we ALL make mistakes. To some degree you thought you were doing the right thing. To me, that counts for something. In reality, you were doing the wrong thing, but for the right reasons. That also counts for something in my book.

In an ideal world, you'd have been able to reconnect and apologize for your mistakes and you two could have AT LEAST been friends if not even rekindle what you had in the past. Unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world. You are definitely right that you at least deserve the chance to be heard if nothing more. So, I can understand how you feel. However, I can also understand how she must feel. Frankly, I don't trust people easily because of the life I've led. So, I similarly have a low tolerance for people who have hurt me. So, if I were in her situation, I may well do the same thing. It doesn't make her wrong. You hurt her in the past and she may not trust that wouldn't happen again. She may feel it best to move on.

Again, though, that doesn't make you wrong either. She could at least hear what you have to say. However, it seems she does not wish to. So, moving one really is all you can do. You made a mistake, but you learned from it. In my book, that makes you pretty awesome. Do you know how rarely people actually own up to their own BS and realize they made a mistake? The fact that you could actually learn and grow from your mistake is great.

I also 100% understand how you feel in that you are having a hard time letting go. I've been there myself. We probably all have at some point. Believe me, though, in time it will be easier. In time you will understand that maybe this just wasn't meant to be. Even more so, in time you will find somebody else and be able to start fresh. This newly more mature you who has learned from his past mistakes will be able to find a great new gal who can meet the new you.

Good luck to you. You WILL feel better in time. I know it may not feel that way at the moment, but time heals all wounds.

[whatcanbedone]

Well all I can do now is work on that moving on part and bettering myself as a person. It sucks it has to be like this but this is life and I can't always get what I want. Thank you everyone for your input, sometimes hearing it from people you don't know is more believable than your friends.

I appreciate the time you guys took to give me advice and hopefully soon enough I will be over it and moved on to something better.

[GLYC]

You're a good man. I know this isn't what you want to hear or probably care to hear, but you will find someone else. As hard as that can be to believe at times.
That women will adore you as much as you cared for this woman. And your relationship will be incredibly strong due to all of these hardships.

Remember. Male strength grows through struggle. Learn from your mistakes. Improve. And keep moving.

[whatcanbedone]

Thanks man. I do appreciate the honesty you have given me. Not an easy situation to be in but I am going to make it my mission to not let it happen again. I am not perfect and will make mistakes and all I can do is learn from them and that's my goal.

I am sure one day I will realize that it wasn't meant to be with her and someone better will come along.

[whatcanbedone]

Here is an update for everyone who wants to know, today is my birthday and said person decided to reach out. I haven't spoken to her in 4 years now....Talk about a set back.