Not sure what to do

[Mummy23]

My partner and I have known each other for 9 years. We have been together for 3 years. I care for him very much.
We have a 5 month old daughter together.

Almost 2 years ago we broke up for about 6 months, he had been talking to his ex for about a month or two before he ended things with me, telling me that he's still in love with his ex.
Well he came crawling back (like they always do)
We eventually got back together and I fell pregnant pretty much straight away, we were so happy.
My daughter was just over 3 weeks old when I caught him messaging his ex again, he said it meant nothing and swore that he has no feelings for her,and that he just needed someone to talk to.

He stopped talking to her.

i just can't seem to get over the fact that he has cheated on me before, with the same person twice.
I'm scared it will happen again.

And that is just the beginning of our problems.
A few weeks ago we started to talk about our relationship. We discovered that we are both unhappy. He says I nag at him too much, all I ask is for him to clean up after himself and I wouldn't have to ask the same question a million times if he just listened.
I am stressed because I'm at home with our baby most days, working the other days on little to no sleep. I try to keep up with the house work and get called lazy if it's not done when he gets home from work. I try to rest when I can but when he is home it is impossible. He doesn't understand that I'm tired and I'm sore. Not to mention have had a virus 3 times in the last 5 weeks.
Yet when he is sick, or tired, he rests and I try to do everything to make him feel better.
All I want from him is to treat me the same way I treat him but lately it has been a one way street. I do everything, he says 'I'm the mum so I have to do it, the house work, cooking and taking care of our baby'.
I have been feeling quite down lately as well, I have tried many times to talk to him but he says he doesn't care or I'm just being A b!7ch about it.
I do love him and I'm scared to live without him but I also don't know if I can stay with him any longer.
He turns every argument into everything being my fault, he puts me down (mostly body image comments that make me feel so terrible especially since I have just had a baby and am having trouble getting my old body back). I had to have an episiotomy during labor and he had the nerve to put me down for that only two weeks after giving birth.
He says it's funny and I need to learn to have a laugh with him but his jokes are always at my expense. I just don't feel loved anymore and I'm not sure if he even loves me anymore.

On the other hand, he is a great father, he loves and cares for our daughter very much. I grew up in a broken home and it was horrible so part of me wants to stay with him for our daughters sake. I know that it's not a good idea and she'd be better off with two happy separated parents than two unhappy parents together.
Please help I don't know what to do!
P.s. Sorry this is so long!!

[Hooo!]

What do you want to do?
If you think about both scenarios 5 10 and 25 years from now
How do you think it will turn out for you?

[Mummy23]

Honestly, I think I'd be in the same position that I am in now. I just can't bare the thought of my daughter growing up with out her whole family living under the same roof. But I know it isn't right to stay when I know he doesn't love me. Part of me knows I have to move on so I can find love and happiness with someone else but the other part wants to try and make it work.

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest, this isn't an easy answer. Wish that I could say it was. You basically said it yourself, though. Sure, it is ideal if two parents can stay together.... but a child will be MUCH happier with two happy but separated parents than they ever will be with two miserable parents who are staying together because they think it is best for the kid/kids.

So, really only you can truly know what is right for your specific situation. There is no one answer. If you really think about it, do you think there is any hope that things with you two could improve? If you really DO, then maybe it is worth it to at least explore all possible options before giving up. Maybe you two can seek professional help together (or even separately if needed) and find a way to make it work. So, if you honestly feel their could be hope, you may want to at least try before giving up once and for all.

....HOWEVER.... if you honestly feel like there is no hope of this ever changing, or if you think their is hope but it is almost too slim to even be worth it.... or if you honestly feel like it is too little too late at this point even if there could be hope.... Then you owe it to yourself and your child (and even your husband as well) to do what is best, even if it isn't what is easiest. So, if it falls into one of those categories, it may be best for you two to end this marriage, but learn to still be friendly enough to be good parents for your little one. Sure, in an ideal world a kid will grow up with two happy and loving parents who stay together.

We don't live in an ideal world. Sometimes things don't work out. Sure, in an ideal world marriages would always last.... but in the US alone, over half of marriages end in divorce. What does that tell you about our ideal world status? We all make mistakes sometimes, and sometimes that mistake can be in the person you thought was the right partner for you. Nobody deserves to suffer forever from their mistakes, especially not if they are mature enough to realize it was a mistake. So, you shouldn't be stuck with somebody who brings you only misery. You deserve to be happy.

You deserve to be happy just as much as your child does. The difference being your child CAN be happy even if you and your husband get a divorce. You, on the other hand.... maybe not. Good luck to you either way. It isn't an easy decision you have in front of you. I wish you the absolute best in figuring it out. I wish we could help more, but this is definitely one of those things where you have to be closer to the situation to really know. But, I hope we can at least help in sharing our own thoughts on the matter. I hope that helps even if just a little bit in helping you put things in perspective and drawing your own conclusions/

[Mummy23]

Thank you for your response, theeviljester.

I don't see things changing, we have discussed the things that we could improve on in our relationship and he says he won't change. So basically I'm at the point where if he isn't even going to try to put in any effort into our relationship then what is the point in me staying.
We discussed professional help and he isn't interested. He is just one of those men that will never talk about how he feels to anyone, not even me.
The last time we broke up I never really recovered and the pain that he caused me last time is still lingering now. I think this is why it isn't working for us now.
I seen a very nasty side to him when we separated last time, he took everything from me, my house, my dog I guess I'm just worried that he will take everything again and I will have to start from scratch with a baby- hence why I haven't left yet.
I have explored all options and he isn't interested. He has told me that he wants to make it work but he isn't putting in the effort.

Thank you so much for your response, it is always nice to know there are people out there who can offer great insight from the outside!
I truly appreciate it!

[TheEvilJester]

Well, then let me offer an apology on behalf of the few of us men out there who aren't stubborn, pig-headed jerks. I don't mean to judge your fella because I don't really know him and don't know the full situation.... but I hate hearing this sort of thing because it gives us all a bad name. It sounds like you have tried everything you can he just is not interested in putting in any effort to help make things work. You can SAY you want to make it work all you want, but when you don't actually try and you just shoot down everything your partner tries to suggest to help, then your words are empty and meaningless.

Again, I'm not there. I can't know. Maybe there IS some hope. Maybe there IS something that could help. Maybe there IS some way you could finally convince him to actually seek help with you and try to make things work. I can't know that..... but it certainly doesn't sound like it. You HAVE tried and it seems he can't and/or won't put through the same effort... or even any effort. Frankly, it sounds to me more like you are basically a single parent raising two children, not a couple raising one. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, but he sounds too selfish to be a partner to anybody.

He also sounds like an immature, sorry excuse for an adult to me that he could be petty enough to blatantly make your life miserable just because your relationship ends. Hindsight is always 20/20, so believe me I don't mean this to judge you AT ALL.... but I can't see why you even gave him a chance again after that. So, to be honest, he probably will try to pull that kind of crap again, maybe even worse. So, I will say this. Before you even start talking to him about divorce, if that maybe is what you wind up deciding.... talk to a lawyer first. Just a consultation, basically, to get some idea of your rights and answer your questions.

IF he were to try to do with your child what he did with your dog, there most certainly ARE legal actions you can take. Ideally, he will act like a mature adult and you two can divorce fairly amicably without a legal battle. ...But again, what did we discover about that ideal world? So, IF that is the route you decide, hopefully he can finally man-up once and for all and work amicably with you in separating your lives. But, if not, you should at least know what you can do to protect yourself.

There are rarely any GOOD reasons to be stuck in a relationship that only makes you miserable. You should never feel stuck because you are concerned for what the other person might do/say/etc. And again, I say all this only based on what you have shared. In truth, I wish things COULD work out for you two. That would obviously be the most ideal situation, if you two actually COULD make it work and stay together. So, if I could make a wish for you and have anything happen, that's probably what I'd wish. But, failing that, I hope you at least are able to do what is right for you AND your child. As I said before, even if that winds up being the thing that is initially very hard.

And I will repeat this as well. You deserve to be happy. MAYBE that CAN be with him. If not, though, you shouldn't be trapped in that situation forever. We all deserve to be happy. I often think those of us who have suffered hardships perhaps even just a bit more so because they've already suffered enough. Good luck.

[Mummy23]

Thank you for the response EvilJester!

I have decided to end things with him. We discussed it and I made the decision to end it... for good this time. I actually feel quite relieved, I was upset for a day and then I realised I had this whole future to look forward to with my daughter. It's only been a few days since we separated and already I can see the difference in my confidence and my overall mood. You really made me understand what I could have with somebody else, and what I deserve in life. I thank you for that.
The only problem now is getting him to move out- I have asked him nicely many times to leave. The only place he has Togo is back to his parents which is why he is so reluctant to go. I can understand that, but he can not stay. I need to move on with my life!
He says he won't go because he doesn't think I can afford to keep the house (which I can, quite comfortably), let alone maintain the yard (I am more then capable of mowing lawns and tending to gardens). And he says he doesn't see the point in moving out when he will only be back here in a couple of months anyway,( I have made it very clear that we are not getting back together).
I really don't know what else to do, I dont want to be nasty and kick him out as I want to make this as easy for my daughter as possible and would like us to be able to get along for her sake in the years to come.
Do you have any idea how I would go about getting him to leave without causing an argument?
Many thanks

[TheEvilJester]

Again, hopefully he will man up, grow up, and just leave. To start off with, the best thing you can do is just try to keep your cool. Just explain that you want to remain friendly because you two do need to still be cordial to each other for the sake of your child. However, that you both need the chance to move on, and that all three of you need time to adjust to what this will mean for you all now. That it is hard for you and him to adjust to that when you are still physically together.

Hopefully you won't HAVE to escalate things. But, again, if he just refuses to take the hint, then you may want to consult with a lawyer to find out if/how you could compel him legally. What exactly is your current living situation? Do you rent an apartment? Own a house? Either way (rent or own) is it jointly in both your names? Just in your name? Just in his name? Did you move into it together, or did one of you have it already and the other just moved in?

Those things can play a factor in who would get the place/how easy it is to resolve if it becomes an issue. I will say, this next advice is a LAST resort.... but if he will not get out and it doesn't seem there is any easy way to compel him to do so (legally or otherwise), then it may be in your own best interest just to leave. I know that isn't ideal because then that can make it more difficult if you ultimately want to keep the place. So, again, I consider that a last resort.... but if he refuses to leave, you really need to do what is best for you.

You've decided what you want to do. You've decided to finally give yourself a chance to be happy. How can you do that, how can you grow, if you are still stuck with him right there with you? Good luck to you. Hopefully he is just acting immaturely out of initial hurt over the situation. That honestly CAN happen to the best of us. Breaking up is rarely easy. Hopefully things go well. But, again, you have yourself and your child to worry about. You don't need to let him cause you any more pain than he already has. Good luck!

[Mummy23]

We are currently renting, the lead is in both of our names.
The main reason I need to keep this house is because as long as he is here I have no money to save for rent and bond for the next house. I simply don't earn enough from work alone. I need him to move so I can apply for benefits from the government. While he is here he earns too much and I'm not entitled to anything.
Same situation with a lawyer, I simply can't afford it while he is here.
He knows my situation, we have discussed it many times, so I think he is only staying here because he knows I can't go anywhere.
I also want to keep this house because my daughter is familiar with it and would be easier on her (again, he doesn't understand this).
He is just being selfish, he won't let me move on.
I could stay with family for a while until I found a house suitable for my daughter and I, but I also dont want to put that pressure on my family (or couch surf with my daughter).

I will give him a few more weeks to move out, if he hasn't done anything about it then I will try to see a lawyer and see what my rights are

Thanks again for taking the time to help me

[TheEvilJester]

God, this guy really sounds like a grade A jerk. He KNOWS your situation and yet blatantly chooses to stick around anyway. I can't help but feel like he is specifically doing it because he knows it will mess up your chance of affording the help you need, both legally and from a housing standpoint. But, maybe I am just being overly cynical. I don't exactly have the best image of human beings from my lifetime of experience.

I will say this. Some lawyers do offer a free consultation initially. You can check with them ahead of time for that. Some will at least meet with you free of charge to go over your rights, what you can do to protect yourself, etc. Again, hopefully it doesn't even have to come to that, but if you get to the point where you need legal advice but are not yet at the point where you can afford it, that may be an option. You can always ask them before you set up any consultation.

Then, if some of they do offer free consultations, you can get advice and if you wind up liking one of them, maybe you can revisit them when you can afford it or are able to get financial assistance to afford it. Good luck to you once again. I hope things work out for you.

[Hooo!]

If you are honest with yourself and you like To stay with him for the sake of your daughter the you get what you want?
You have a decision to make
Either one is hard and you could or probably will be sorry for it in the future regardless of what you chose.

And that regret will be the biggest danger in my opinion.

Chose a way and if you don't like it anymore then chose another way.

You generally have the following options

Change it.
Love it.
Leave it

If you cannot change the situation or the circumstances you may find a way to arrange yourself with it or to reframe it so the situation may leadsto an advantage or a bearable solution
If you can't you can chose to go away.
Either decision can be wrong.
Not choosing is the worst because it keeps nagging you.

Chose one and be content until you need to chose something different