Thanks in advance for those who take the time to read this long post. I guess I need to vent, and Im hoping someone can help me sort through my emotions.

As a prelude, my wife of 5 years recently left me. I lost my job in the military for health reasons, I just moved back home where I grew up after 10 years, I'm stressed out of my mind from the separation and move. I met a new girl very soon after my ex and I split, seen her for 5 months and she just up and left out of nowhere. I have major depressive disorder which I feels like its in full affect now and so Im a bit desperate.

So in more detail...

Go back 6 months ago my wife left me. She was sweet, really pretty, lived for me, supported me and my depression. Treated me like a king. With all that, I was really miserable in my marriage. I didn't get certain things I felt like I needed to be happy. Superficial things like a crazy sex life and excitement were not there. We were absolute best friends and we spent every minute together. Including car pooling to and from work, lunch at work, grocery store together (although I'd wait in the car due to anxiety) and every second together on weekends. I guess my mood issues were worse than I thought because she out of nowhere left me. I never thought she would. But I made peace with it. She deserved better than I could give her. The perfect girl had left. It bothers me that I never could be happy with what I knew was a marriage most people would dream of. But I didn't much care. Within a few days I bounced back and started to feel happy for the first time in years. I lost over 30 lbs in a few weeks. I bought new clothes started taking care of myself, started dating, had confidence I haven't had in years and I actually felt pretty good. It bothered me that my ex was so hurt and I was having the time of my life. I almost felt guilt because she was hurting more than me, even though she left. She must have had a little crush on a guy at the gym because they dated almost immediately upon us breaking up and I didn't much care. I was happy for her she had someone to help her through this sad time.

Not even 3 weeks later I was 6 hours away in my home town for 10 days looking for a place to live and start over. By this time my ex wife had moved down into the basement but was never home. She was at her new boyfriends or friends almost every night. Anyhow I'm partying non stop, loving the single life for the most part, yes, it got sad at night but I was confident I'd meet someone new. I meet up with friends at a bar for lunch and meet this really hot waitress. She came off as really chill, really down to earth. We flirt a bit and she kinda really grabbed my attention. I came back to that same bar a few days later and she was working again so I asked her out. She said yes and I was thrilled. I make the long 6 hour drive back home a couple days after that. I begin to text message the waitress and it turned into pretty steady texting. We get to know each other a lot. Turns out she's exactly what I was missing in my marriage. She was fun, a free spirit, care free, no responsibilities, no boring stuff holding her back from having a good time. Also, she had the sexual appetite I needed. Which I think admittedly I have an unhealthy need for. A couple weeks after texting, I invite her up to my place for a few days as a first date. Her being the spontaneous rock star she is, says yes and we had an incredible weekend together! Then a week later I ask her if she wants to get away. She says yes and we fly down south to Cancun and lived it up there for a week. Fly back in on a Saturday and hit a friends wedding an hour after we landed. Next day we're in another hot spot partying and so we kinda lived this fantasy relationship for the last 5 months. Every time she'd have a few days off of work, we'd get together and have a blast. The best part about her, and all my friends warned me shed use me. But she always payed her own way and offered to pick up every bill. She just a generous caring girl.

We both realized that this type of relationship was not sustainable. Neither of us have the money for a party every day. Her living situation isn't really ideal, she has no space of her own or no real comfort. She's more into working enough to pay for a trip to Europe or an awesome adventure. A free spirit. I was looking forward to moving back home and local to her where we could slow down a bit, I'd have an apartment where she could come over and watch movies but we could still live the care free life together. A few weeks ago, we met in the middle at a campsite where I thought it would be a great romantic weekend. The first day was a disaster. I had some jerk do something ignorant on the road out of road rage on my way there so my mood was off. I was agitated when we met at Walmart outside the campsite. I guess she noticed I was distant and pulled back from me. I wasn't being cuddly and close like she wanted. That night, we settled in and started kinda bickering. I was annoyed from her arguing and we were really at each others throats. That night I went to bed before her, I layed in bed at the camp site sad and in shock because I felt like it was over between me and her. I wasn't happy with her all of a sudden. We discussed over the remainder of the weekend and both decided to take a step back for a bit and analyze things. Within 2 days, I needed her back. I texted her almost begging for a second chance. She was reluctant to give me a shot, saying my mood was poor and that I hadn't seemed like I really liked her all that much. She said that even tho there was no freak outs or crazy things that happened, there were things showing in my mood that reminded her of her bf (who really jerked her around and gave her major emotional scarring). I told her she didn't need to worry, I'd change for the better and be perfect for her. So we gave it another shot and I felt like I was very careful with my mood around her. This was very hard while I was dealing with so many stressors ie. separation agreement, trying to sell my house, trying to find another home, etc. Anyhow she gave my another chance considering we had such a great few months up until then. The distance made things good, we looked forward to seeing eachother and working toward moving to the same city where we could have a normal life.

Finally last week I move in to my new place. I was so excited to start this new chapter with her. I noticed that when we hung out, she was distant, I wasn't all that happy, and we argued often. It wasn't really an argument but more of a debate about silly things. We had excellent communication and always talked if she felt bothered by something. It seemed like daily we were talking about something that I did that hurt her. In my opinion these things felt kinda rediculous to me. But I respected that it bothered her and wanted her to feel good with me. But things like me asking, "why are you even arguing over this, its silly" would really bother her and she felt undermined. Most people wouldn't be bothered by these little comments I made to avoid a heated debate. But she did. I just wanted her to feel good and I felt like I was walking on egg shells or else shed be upset or cry over something that I did. I was persistent in telling her I'd do better. I didn't know how to do better because I didn't know what I was doing wrong. Even though things weren't ideal between us, I kept telling her things would iron themselves out and we'd be fine. Once I settled in they'd be fine. Once the separation agreement was done id be fine. She kept being responsive to that and things seemed positive most of the time.

Then 4 nights ago, only a few days after I moved here, she was coming home from visiting her parents out of town and we were texting about wether or not she'd come to sleep over here. Because it was getting late and she had to work a little earlier we decided shed get a good night of sleep at home (we both know her sleeping over would turn into a two hour sex session plus more sex in the morning so we decided to just see eacother after her work the next day for a nice movie date and sleep over. I was excited for the next day. I wake up at 8:00 to her text message asking if I was awake. I replied yes and then she sent a long break up text to me. I couldn't believe it.

I was so annoyed and thought to myself, this is flaky and I deserve better. "Screw her" kinda attitude. I was a bit hurt but considering I wasn't really all that happy when we were together lately and we had some silly issues, I figured id be fine. That day and evening I didn't much care. The next day I woke up thinking about it a bit, did my thing, went out to get lunch, walked down town then about 2pm I got the itch to text her. Turns out we booked a trip to Havana a few weeks ago. The tickets are non refundable and non transferrable. So I text her asking what she thought we should do about Havana. She replied right away, saying she'd stay in a hostel and I could take the hotel. That was nice of her, but That crushed me. I never really thought about it but I guess I had hoped we'd stay in the same room. Maybe I thought we'd rekindle things in Havana. But I guess that told me its over. My heart was now torn in half. I couldn't believe it all and I needed to understand why she wanted to leave me.

That night about 11 pm I wrote a long email to her, not asking for her back, but telling her that I wanted her to be happy and that I think she needed to see someone for help with the issues she's been dealing with. What I thought were clear commitment issues, major walls she put up, that I thought were responsible for her leaving me like this. She replies to my long email at 1am with her long email saying that its basically me. My mood, my stressors are too much for her. And that we need time apart and she hopes that if we see eachtother on the street in the future we can be in a positive place and smile. I thought how could she pass on what we had together. Her living situation isn't great, I was offering her a better life than what she had and she didn't want it. It hurts so bad. Especially when only a day or two before we broke up she seemed so happy. Besides the silly debates. She constantly was on my arm in public, always wanting my hand to hold or to cuddle in a line up of a store. What happened??

I did reply to her 1am email to me the next morning when I woke up, and I said Im glad I'm the problem and these aren't commitment issues. And that I just wanted her to be happy and that she means so much to me. I told her I can't close the book on us just yet, and that I'd be settle in and in a better place soon and that she should drop me a line in a few weeks/months if shed like. But thats it. No contact since. I've not felt pain like this I don't think ever. I want her back so bad, but I know it won't be ideal. I know she isn't right for me. I know she wants to be a free spirit and not adopt my real life stressors. She says she doesn't have commitment issues, but she refused to get a cell phone plan or an apartment on her own, she can't commit to anything and always talks about being bored of this city and moving to another. She's been all over the world 3 times over and lived in a number of different spots. So I feel like I am a victim in a way. But I'm sure she feels like the party is over with me and its time to move on to the next good time. She's never had a boyfriend since the last guy ripped her heart out of her chest. They were together 3 years and she learned that he'd been having an affair with the same girl for the entire relationship. A real sociopath. I feel so bad for her. I wanted to prove that I could be so good to her.

Im not rich by any means, but I'm doing ok financially, Im decent looking and have my head on straight. It is a big shot to my ego that she tossed me away like that. But I guess she had her reasons. Im not sure what to do now. I have such a deep depression over this and I'm not sure why. I can't eat or sleep well. I can't really leave my place. I live right down town in the same neighbourhood she lives and I know we are so close to seeing eachtother but I know that would kill me if I seen her. I need to forget about her but I can't. We have such an amazing sexual chemistry and I think we'd both like to try the FWB thing once we get over the emotional part of it. But I don't even know if I can. Id be terrified to have to feel this way again... This is strange coming from me. Most people would say its "on to the next one" for me and that I get over women quite fast.

This is not the girl I wanted to fall for. And Im not sure if I have fallen or not. but the pain is unreal. Why didn't I care about losing my ex wife, but this girl that I partied with, Im crushed over. I never felt secure or comfy with this girl. I just loved the high she gave me. But I find I've painted her into the absolute perfect person even if I know its maybe not true. One thing I do know, this girl made me feel so happy at the beginning of our relationship. I miss that so much. Thats what I hold onto and thats what I think I'll never find in another girl. Especially the "corporate" conservative girls I'm used to dating. She is like no other girl and even though its not my typical type, I feel like I lost a girl I could be truly happy with.

God I want to text her right now. I miss her so much. Im so confused.