(LONG STORY) I cheated and can’t forgive myself

[Axden27]

Hello readers this is my first ever post, so sorry if it seems quite awkward and different compared to other posts but I’m not quite sure how to write it all. I’ve been going through a very difficult and awkward situation regarding an ex lover and I feel that a place like this would be ideal to talk about it because none of you know me meaning you won’t have any bias towards me in the situation.
Anyway, I am 16 years of age, but very mature for my age before you click off and decide this isn’t worth the read. I have been in quite a few relationships before in my life, none of which have ever been successful which is to be expected at my age, most of which were just internet relationships where I knew the person from school or whatever, but we’d only ever speak online. This was because I have very bad social skills and so speaking to girls online was my only way of communicating with them really because after excessively talking online things would become awkward with us in person making it very difficult to have a lasting relationship. I am generally a very nice, caring person who has no real troubles with anyone in particular but myself really. Due to the nature of my social awkwardness I had never kissed a girl or anything like that and everyone else I knew had and it made me feel awful, back last year at this time I was with a girl but we never spoke in person and it was awful as a whole we never even hugged and we were together for about 6 months, I decided to end the relationship as I wasn’t happy with how things were going and decided to focus on myself for a bit. A few months went by after the breakup and a new girl came along, she hung around with me and my other male friends during lessons and so I felt really comfortable around her and we had some great conversations and I felt happy for the first time in months. She eventually started to fall for my best friend, though I wasn’t bothered by this because I never saw her as more than a friend to me. Eventually she started speaking to me to get advice on how to speak to my best friend, but it was while we were speaking that we realised it was each other that we really loved, and from then on we spent every day with each other after school for hours saying “we’re here to do work” when in reality we’d sit there for hours looking into each other’s eyes getting to know each other and just having an all round lovely time. One time after school it was just us two in the room and She asked “how come you’ve never kissed anyone before?” And mid answer she leaned in and we made out like 3 times. These were the happiest times in my life so far, she made me so happy and comfortable all the time, she’d always go out of her way for me and I knew she was the one for me as I’d never met anyone like her before and the fact she was absolutely stunning too really helped, she ticked every single one of my boxes, even my parents questioned how I managed to get a girl that beautiful the first time I brought her home. Eventually I asked her to be mine to which she said yes, and things were amazing. I was so happy and in love and so was she, our replies were instant over message and I couldn’t think of any way anything could ruin how I felt. Eventually her replies began to slow down quite a lot as GCSE’s approached (she is a very hard working person and so did lots and lots of revision) I am significantly less so, and would just sit in bed all day waiting for her to reply as she was the only person I’d ever speak to. I asked her why her replies were slow, she said that it was because she was always revising and that she promised after gcses everything would go back to normal and we’d have 10 weeks together and have an amazing time.
Things never did get better. Her replies were just as slow after the exams, I questioned her again and she said that during the exams she got used to life without a phone and so wasn’t willing to go out of her way to message me. I’ll admit I am very high maintenance and do require constant attention or else I start to lose my mind a little, but anyway we went on with our 10 weeks without school, we’d see each other maybe once or twice a week because she was very family oriented and saw them most of the time. Eventually at the end of the 10 weeks I went on holiday to Spain for a week, and the day before I got back she went on holiday for 2 weeks.
It was awful, her replies were bad anyway but now she was on holiday everything got worse, she was trying to conserve data so messaged me maybe once or twice a day and even then it would only ever be about the waiters there looking at her provocatively and trying to speak to her which made me feel awful. Eventually her data ran out, for the last 4 days of her holiday I couldn’t speak to her at all and I was losing my mind, all I could think about were the problems in our relationship and it was driving me insane. On the night before we got back I posted a Snapchat story asking anyone to message me, so I could speak about how I felt and release some stress.
5 people messaged me, 4 listened to me and explained that I’m probably just being like that because I miss her and that’s once she got back I’d be happy again, the 5th girl continued the conversation on after we had discussed how I felt, eventually becoming rather flirty and provocative. Being a teenage boy in my prime obviously it put me into that mindset and bad things happened, she sent me inappropriate videos and although I sent nothing properly back, the fact I didn’t tell her to stop is bad enough. I hated myself, and I still do now over a month on from it, straight after I messaged the girl saying that it was all a mistake and that I never mean to anything by it and that id like her to forget it happened and not tell anyone, she said “of course, don’t worry I won’t tell anyone, I’m not a bitch”

My girlfriend came back from holiday the next day, all of my problems and stress went away. I was just so happy and delighted to hear her soft voice and see her beautiful face again that I had no cares in the world, she came round my house and seeing her 5”1 gorgeous self in person for the first time in weeks made me want to cry with joy, we spent the day together and she went home and it was one of the best days of my life. A few days passed and it was results day, I didn’t go with her but I did see her there, she did absolutely amazingly with her lowest grade being a B I think and an assortment of A’s and A*’s I was overwhelmed with joy for her, although very jealous because I didn’t do as well. We both went on with our day she went to see all of her family I stayed at home by myself whenever suddenly the girl I cheated with messaged me again,
“So what now?” She said, my heart sank, I knew things were to only go downhill from here, we hadn’t a heated discussion with her asking me if I’d ever tell my girlfriend and i was saying that I wouldn’t because It would ruin things. Eventually she said “if you don’t tell her, I will.”
My heart broke at the sight of this message, I had panic attacks and wanted to throw up several times.
Eventually that night I told my girlfriend, she was absolutely distraught to say the least, we stayed together for two days but eventually she had had enough and her family convinced her to break up with me. It’s been a month since then, we’ve tried everything, I tried speaking to her exactly How I would when we were together but she told me i annoyed her, she said it’s nothing I do in particular but just the sight of me pisses her off now. I gave her space, it was too difficult for both of us, we tried being friends but it’s was also too difficult. Eventually I left my friends because I felt I could never speak to them about any of this and found new friends, I was comfortable speaking with them about everything and things were great but one of these friends sits next to my ex girlfriend in lessons and they’ve developed very close friendship, so now at school I am forced to hang around with her and watch her and my friend get closer and closer right in front of me and there is nothing I can do. We had a huge argument last night and she said that she doesn’t think we can speak any more
I’ve tried everything, I’ve brought up the many mistakes that I forgave her for and asked why she couldn’t forgive me and give me a second chance, but nothing works. I want to move on but I have to see her so much every day at school and even more now that shes wedged herself into my new friendship
All she ever does is talk about boys messaging her and the people From holiday staring at her and it’s got to the point where it is driving me insane, all I want is her back because she changed my life and I won’t find another girl like her again
I don’t think I can cope any more, please someone help me and give me some advice
Thankyou in advance if you’ve read the whole story to the end it does mean a lot

[blessedby4]

Heart ache, and emotions of all kinds can keep me from thinking clearly. Those emotional rollercoasters, cause me to feel disheveled, and off center. But when I read a verse like this: “Call on Me (God) and I will show you great and mighty things that you do not know” gives me cause to hope. Is there someone in your life that you can confide in? Talking with another can give a different perspective on difficulties. You may not have peace with the relationship, but you can with God.
I once read that if you pray more, you’ll worry less. Do you have a faith system? For when I read a Bible verse like this one: “whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report think about these” Having a faith system can help you get difficult situations and can bring “a peace that surpasses all understanding.”

[Hooo!]

Learn to live with the decisions you take
Live with the mistakes you make

You can’t cope what? If you think it was a bad decision then learn from it and become a better person in future.

If you can’t live with a friendship then end it.

Love your life. Learn from your mistakes. And after that forgive yourself.
That doesn’t mean it wasn’t wrong. It just means you realize that you did what you did because you didn’t know better
Make sure you do know better

And that means moving on.