Has anyone met their SO when he/she was engaged to someone else?

[123confused]

I've had only a handful of relationships in the past, and for the most part I think I liked them more than they liked me, and so I was the one who approached them and the one who put more effort into the relationship--until it just wasn't worth trying anymore.

With this one guy, though, we clicked instantly. I'm not sure how to explain it, but it's almost he could be soulmate, things always feel so easy when I talk to him.

Now that I know he's engaged, though, I'm not sure how to feel. On the one hand, an engagement isn't a marriage and I don't believe it's my responsibility to step back out of solidarity to the woman he's engaged to. On the other hand, I'm not sure a relationship that starts right after another relationship ends has any future--even if the first relationship isn't meant to be.

So I guess my question is: does anyone have any experience dating someone who was in a committed relationship when they met and not end up in some kind of drama?

[Hooo!]

What does he want?

[TheEvilJester]

I do not have that experience, no. At least not in the sense of actively dating somebody while they were still in another relationship. I have met somebody while they were in a relationship and later wound up dating them.... but only once they were single again.

You say you don't feel it is your responsibility to back out... but I guess for whether or not I agree I'd have to ask if you can clarify. Because, what you certainly should NOT do is to seek out a relationship with him right now. At least that is my personal opinion. Even if he seems interested in pursuing you, now is not the right time. He is in a relationship. Engaged no less. Is he happy with his fiance? Are they great together and destined to go through with the marriage? Are they miserable and bound for an eventual break-up any day? I would venture to guess you don't know that.

But, for the sake of argument let's say you do know because he tells you about it. So that means either A) the two of them are just fine and you know that. In which case, you would be wrong to actively participate in enabling him to cheat. That would make you know better than him, OR B) the two of them aren't doing well and it seems inevitable their relationship will end, and you know that because he's shared with you. Well, then what exactly do you have to lose by having some patience? Let him deal with his relationship and decide what to do with that.

If the two of them are going to break up, it should be because they decide they are not right for each other. It should not be because he (or either of them, really) has found somebody else. He should be ending the relationship with her completely independent of you, as in the relationship would be ending even if he didn't have you.

There are MANY ways this can go bad. Just off the top of my head, here are a few... He could have absolutely no intention of ever leaving her no matter what he tells you and is just using you because you'll let him, and will continue to use you as long as you'll let him. Sadly there are men like that in this world. He could fully be intending to leave her.... but eventually will change his mind leaving you behind. But, let's say he leaves her and gets with you. ...It could turn out that (whether or not he even meant this or not) you were just a rebound. Sometimes when somebody is stuck in a bad relationship (or just got out of a bad relationship) they can be quick to jump into a new relationship that seems to fill in some of the voids of what was missing in their other relationship. They may get into the relationship too quickly, not realizing that the person isn't really right for them either.

Then, of course, there is also the possibility that if he cheats on her with you.... he may eventually wind up cheating on you. Now, don't get me wrong. All of this is some worst case scenario type stuff. I'm just sharing this to illustrate my point of how much could go wrong with a situation like this.

On the other hand, let's pretend for a moment that he and his fiance aren't right for each other. That he is seeing that now and it seems like their relationship is headed for an inevitable end. Again, I will say, what exactly do you have to lose by waiting? Give him time to work through his relationship. Give him time after the break-up to think things out. Re-evaluate himself and his life. Then, if he still feels just as much as you do that you two could make a great match, that is the perfect time to give it a try.

I will say this, though... don't wait around forever. IF his relationship does seem headed for an end, then you certainly can wait for a little while. It may be worth it in that case. For the time being, just be here for him and in time maybe you two will become something. But, don't wait around too long because you may turn around and a few years have gone by and they are still together. Again, though, all of that is assuming they are not doing well and are likely to break up. If they seem fine and seem like a great couple who are destined to be married.... then you should NOT pursue anything with him other than a friendship. At least not unless that changes. If you don't want just a friendship with him, then you'd be better just to move on.

And again, these are just my opinions. You have to do what feels right for you. I just do not personally feel it is ever somebody's place to get in the middle of somebody ELSE'S relationship. For a wide range of reasons, some of which I've mentioned above. Good luck to you either way. I know you haven't had much luck, but there IS somebody special out there for you. Maybe it IS this guy... but if it is him, then his relationship will end soon of its own accord. If it is him it will be him tomorrow, it will be him next month, it will be him ten years from now.... so why rush it? Good luck.

[123confused]

Whoa. The wedding has been called off.

[R.Swinny]

Life is a real drama.

[TheEvilJester]

Whoa. The wedding has been called off.

Well, that may be a good sign for your possibility with him. Not that it is ever a happy thing for an engagement to break off (or any relationship to end, really). But, if they were not right for each other, it is great if they find that out now.

Break-ups can be hard. They can take their toll and take time to get over. Not to mention, sometimes break-ups don't last. So, for now my personal advice would be to have some patience. Be there for him if/when he needs, but don't push anything yet. Give him time to move on and hopefully when the time is right you two can try dating. See if maybe you truly are the good match it seemed you could be. Good luck.