Should I give him another chance?

[elisemies]

I met N a year and a half ago, and he was the total dream guy.

He was my type, tall and handsome, with a wicked sense of humor, incredible charm and charisma, intelligent, inspiring, successful, the works. We fell for each other instantly, even though were very different people. He's American, I'm European, he's 8 years older than I am, he's analytical and focused, I'm creative and scattered; he comes from a large family in rural Northern America, with an abusive parent, lots of manual labor and hard work, I had as perfect a childhood as humanly possible, with loving parents, sheltered and easy urban existence. And yet we got along great, had similar values and political views, and we adored each other.

I never fell for anyone the way I did for him, and he said it was the same for him. I was the only person he ever envisioned spending the rest of his life with, and we enjoyed each other's presence a lot.

But obviously things didn't stay this way or I wouldn't be here writing this, I guess.

He started getting frustrated about all the small things I didn't know how to do. In his defense, I get distracted easily and I am most definitely not the most practical person, but after a while it felt like anything would set him off: how I texted, how long it took me to buy sodas, where I put my bag, the temperature of the soup etc... it became very hard for me to do anything around him because he was so critical. Granted, I am an emotional person, take anything too personally and can get dramatic, but I had never been in a situation like this one before, it felt like I was always walking on eggshells and couldn't do anything right.

And yet, while all of this was true, we also had the best time together, laughed a lot, loved each other to bits and had joyful, intense moments together. He helped me find a job when I had already given up, and he was always there for me. I was supportive, affectionate, loyal, devoted and smitten with him.

But over the last months we broke up with each other a few times, every time thinking it was the last time. He would get so mad that sometimes he'd just pick up and leave (the room or the conversation) and would disappear for hours or days at a time. He did call me a bitch twice, though I'm not entirely sure that qualifies as name-calling. When I broke up with him two weeks ago, I just couldn't do it anymore. I was emotionally exhausted and mentally drained, stressed out of my mind (checking my phone every half an hour because if I didn't answer fast he'd get mad) and just tired of fighting despite or perhaps especially because of my feelings for him. He seemed to think that his reasons for getting mad were justified and I couldn't disagree more; I felt like some things are just not worth making a great big fuss about and definitely not a full blown argument.

Now he wants me back again. He said he understands his mistakes and that he will change, that he will learn to deal with his frustrations. That he could live with my unpractical nature and my weird texting. That I'm the only one he's ever imagined himself living with and that can't lose me.

TO a certain extent, these are all things that were good to hear, for my ego etc but I don't believe that in the month he says he'd take for himself he could suddenly make all of these changes and no longer have a temper. We have also broken up before yet we are here again and I don't want to repeat the same cycle. I also think that every time I would uphold my standards and then go back to him I taught him that his actions have no consequences, and I also lost some respect in myself.

However I still love him intensely and am afraid that I might end up regretting my decision in the future and look back thinking I might have lost the love of my life.

So I wanted to ask you guys for some feedback.

Have you guys ever been in a similar situation? And, if so, what did you do? Do you think people can change? And how do you know that things are actually different?
I would like to take a few months to myself ( I don't know how many) to see if I can get over him and move on, and if not -and if he still hasn't moved on after that either and says he actually has changed perhaps give him a second chance, though maybe that's the wrong way to look at this?

What does one do if they get back together with an ex? Have you guys ever been to couples therapy, and would you recommend it? Have you tried EFT and do you think it would apply to this? What do you think I should do?

Thank you.

[madotnw_nihs]

I have been with SO's that have a temper and I can say it is almost impossible to eliminate with my experience. I truly think it is one personality that is most difficult address. We never went to therapy, so I don't know if that will help but it's worth a shot if he is that important to you. In the end, I just accepted that my ex's have a temper, but they did really love me. I am a very easy going type of person, so it didn't bother me. However when there are arguments, it is especially hard because they will never calm down and discuss. It always ends with me waiting the storm out.

[elisemies]

Hi Madotnw_nihs

thank you for writing!

I think what you're saying seems to reflect my beliefs too. I don't think he's a bad man, and sometimes I can understand why he'd get upset, yet his temper is definitely a part of who he is. In a way, expecting him to change is cruel in itself, as I would feel hurt if someone expected the same from me. As selfish as this sounds, if his temper was directed to others I could possibly accept it, especially because I believe him to be perfect otherwise, but I think that the only way he can stop being angry at me is he deals with the issue as a whole and goes to therapy or otherwise puts some serious effort into and tries to overcome the issue completely, not compartimentalizing it as how his temper appears around me, but in how it seems to come up in his life without me as well.

In the end, I feel like there's a reason why it sounds like your relationships with people like that seem to have ended as well.

[madotnw_nihs]

Think about if you will be able to deal with this temper for years or decades. I think it eventually will just be too much. It does seem like a minor issue when everything else is perfect, but it can become overbearing. I don't think compartmentalizing will work. People that have tempers usually surfaces it with people they are most comfortable with (which is you). If it is therapy you decide, let me know how it works out. I am interested in knowing whether it can be changed.

[elisemies]

I don't think I can handle where he is right now. Ultimately, there might be something brewing there that is more than frustration and it's not something I can solve or lessen. I wish I was stronger and could accept him exactly as he is right now, but his mood swings influence me very much and ultimately the arguments used to stress me out.
My hope is that he takes some time to himself to figure this out, without thinking about a possible reconciliation with me in the future, and just work on himself because ultimately I think this will damage him more than he probably knows. And then maybe, just maybe, months from now we could talk again and see where we are and where we have gotten and if there still is an interest on both sides to pursue this, if he has made some steps in the right direction.
At this point I fear investing my time and thoughts into this hope that he might change will only get me down. I should probably focus on myself and see how things go...

[Hooo!]

If you love him
And he loves you
And you both work constructive to better yourselves and the relationship
You both are to be envied

Relationships are work. No sense pretending otherwise. They are also beautiful.

[elisemies]

Hi Hooo!

thank you for sending me feedback.

I understand that relationships are work, I think that's ultimately undeniable and inevitable.

I question more specifically whether a temper is something that can be worked with/will subside over time, and whether being madly in love with one another is enough of a reason to stay together, because that's definitely there...

[madotnw_nihs]

I think everyone is different, so it's hard to put a blanket statement on personality change. With my experience, I have never see someone curbed their temper though.

[elisemies]

I don't have that much experience on the matter either tbh.

I guess it comes down to the whole "can I expect change from the person I'm in a relationship with or should I just learn to accept them for who they are?"
It feels bad asking him to change who he is for me, I would never really accept it if he told me the same and I also think it would a lot of pressure on him, where he'd suddenly have to worry that if he slips up I'll b gone (and frankly, at the moment I kind of feel like that).

I hear both voices in my mind (no, I'm not going crazy yet); the one telling me to move on and find someone with whom this problem won't exist or to give him another chance and see if he really can improve. He is basically begging for a new opportunity, but it all feels so dramatic.

[Hooo!]

I don’t see your problem to be honest

You tell us he criticized you much or he has mood swings or whatever
And you are distracted unpractical person
I still don’t see the problem

What exactly needs to change in order for you to lead a better relationship?

- - - Updated - - -

And ofc you can ask someone to change
However you ask them or rather notify them of their (in your opinion ) shitty behaviour and tell them how they could stop it
And if they want they change, slowly or aprubtly
But they do it for them
Not for you

[elisemies]

Hmmm maybe I did a poor job explaining myself...

He was indeed very critical and moody, but mostly angry. Small things would piss him off so much the knuckles in his fists would go white and he sometimes hit things in his frustration, or leave the room we were in entirely and disappear for hours/days at a time. Stuff like that made me very uncomfortable, and towards the end I was always walking on eggshells trying not to piss him off. It was really hard for me to wait his moods out and get chewed out when I didn't.

In order for the relationship to be livable for me, I'd need him to get a hold of his anger. I can't have him flying off the handle because he doesn't understand my instructions as to where I am sitting on the beach or stuff like that, and just in general curb his criticism.
I'd need him to become a clearer communicator and not just assume that I can read his mind - and when I can't, refer back to the point about the anger.
I'd need him to accept that as much as I can improve about being disorganized and unpractical, I will never be the best at it - my brain doesn't work that way. If he wants someone that has everything planned and perfectly organized, I'm just not the person for him.

Most of all, if he could control his anger that'd be enough because I feel like that would improve so many of our dynamics indirectly.

[Hooo!]

So what happens if he doesn’t?
What are you doing about it?

- - - Updated - - -

Have you told him this in the clarity you did right now?

(We men are simple we need the above. Direct. We don’t need a wall of text. Just that. )