I don't get excited anymore

[Flash10]

So long story short, I've been dating this girl for about 3 years, and from the beginning we've had great chemistry. We would always have fun together and laugh, and I was there for her when her parents were going through a divorce and it was rough for her. (It was also rough on me) so I've been there through thick and thin. During that time, she slowly gained over about 80 pounds and it kind of led me to become unattracted to her. (I've told her this, and it's more so the laziness that was the most unattractive) and after a long period of doing nothing, she is now really trying to lose weight. I'm just not sure if I still want to be in this relationship though. It is getting more serious and I just don't feel the same excitement as I used to. I don't want to be stuck in a relationship with someone I'm not really attracted too anymore. I want to be so bad, but I feel like it's just not there anymore even though she's very slowly losing weight. But sometimes its more than just the weight. At the core, I honestly just feel tired and wiped from everything.

I'm more of a books/artistic type guy and she's definitely the opposite. Which is okay, but sometimes it just seems like she could care less about anything I care about, (not in a mean way, it just truly doesn't interest her, and her attention span is about that of a goldfish lol) It doesn't really ever feel like she has any ambition to do anything beyond what's happening that specific day. I just wish she had a little more ambition and drive in life. I can have a deep conversation with her, but sometimes she does seem very child like.

All that being said, she is my absolute best friend and literally the kindest person I've ever met. She really loves me more than anyone I've ever known and sometimes I'm afraid to break up with her (because I do protect her) and I feel like I don't know if I'll ever find anyone like her again. I mean I've taken a cross country trip with this girl and I truly do love her. I just don't know if I'm IN love with her. I feel like I'm at a crossroads.

What should I do?

[madotnw_nihs]

Can you guys find something to rekindle that feeling for you. Do you think if she gets back to close to her original weight, you would feel differently? I don't think you should pull the pulg on this relationship. Couples go through highs and lows all the time. How old is she? maybe she is still young and doesn't have the ambition you are seeking.

[Flash10]

I would definitely feel differently if she was to be at her original weight. I feel like the current unattraction has driven a wedge between my relationship with her. I absolutely love her personality and we gel great (it's just the weight is really a big issue for me). And the ambition part doesn't bother me as much as the attraction stuff, but it's still apart of why I'm contemplating everything.

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Adding to that, I don't expect her to be this super thin model, and I get that beauty fades. But it's like she stopped caring about herself, and I don't know if I want to be with someone who can't care about themselves. She's showing improvement though, so not sure if I should pull the plug just yet.

[madotnw_nihs]

Stick with it then. I know I would hate to be in the same situation as you as I would most likely find myself in the same quandary. Some people may label it shallow, but I think physical attraction is important and certainly she needs to take care of herself so she is healthy. Every girl I have been with has asked "What if I become a fat person, will you still love me?". I always respond "I don't know, it depends. And would you love me if I became a fat person?" And they also were not able to answer. In your case, you seem to have such a good relationship and she seems to be improving, so keep at it. Good Luck.

[Flash10]

You're probably right. We actually live together, so it makes it even tougher. I'll most likely give it to the end of the year to see how things pan out from there. Thankfully we both are very honest and upfront with each other so it's pretty clear what we both need to do in order to make the relationship work.

[omgtotallyxo]

Is there nothing attractive about her that gets you going except for looks? Peoples' looks fade. When she gets older, weight isn't going to be the only thing, she will have wrinkles, age spots, balding, saggy boobs, etc. When she gets older, she wouldn't be able to keep her weight off unless she gets diabetes. The lack of sparks, I suspect, isn't just because of her lack of physical attraction, I think you also don't like her personality all that much.

[Flash10]

Yeah idk, I just feel stuck. I think the spark has worn off a bit. I guess it's mainly because I don't feel like there's anything to look forward to when I come home and I know exactly what I'm getting. She's a great girl, and I actually love her personality, but I feel like the first couple years of us just having fun have gone away. Maybe I just need someone with a little more depth and maturity. I sometimes feel like I'm babysitting her to be honest.

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Thankfully we've both made it clear that well mutually be making an agreement on where the relationship will be going by the end of the year. I love her to death don't get me wrong, but I just don't feel like I'm growing anymore or being challenged in any way both intellectually or emotionally by her. She said that if we were to break up she wouldn't take me back. Not in a mean way just that she'd decide to move on. Ugh relationships are tough.

[TheEvilJester]

It is kind of hard, really, for us to comment with any certainty on something like this. I think you have been given some great advice so far. The thing is, with us not being closer to the situation, it can be hard to tell. Because, on the one hand my thought is that the"honeymoon phase" doesn't last forever. You shouldn't expect it to always feel so exciting because eventually every relationship settles into normalcy. ....BUT that doesn't have to be a bad thing. That can be when you truly know each other, flaws and all, and still love each other very much and still want to be together. That, ultimately, can actually be even BETTER than the honeymoon phase.


So, is it just a case of you failing to realize that? Of you thinking (whether you realize it or not) that things should always be as exciting as they are early in a relationship? ....Well.... not so fast.

Because you do describe a lot of possible issues that CAN legitimately lead to realizing somebody just isn't the right match for you after all. And, I know on the surface finding her unattractive due to her weight seems shallow. It certainly CAN be very shallow if/when somebody feels that way.... but that doesn't mean it IS in your case. Heck, I think the very fact that you are sort of debating that yourself and feel bad that her weight makes you feel that way leans toward the belief that it isn't shallow in your case.

You can't help who and what you do and do not find attractive. If it just so happens you don't find bigger women attractive, it isn't like you DECIDED that, it's just what it is. So, it may very well be that you can't help finding her unattractive in her current state. I don't think that ALONE should be a reason to end the relationship, but it isn't like you are wrong if it is at least factoring in for you. I mean, just as a random example, what if she just happened to find beards VERY unattractive.... and you suddenly decided you wanted to grow a beard. She'd likely have a hard time getting over that just the same.

It also sounds to me like it is more so what surrounds her weight gain that bothers you. It sounds like it is more that you feel like she's given up on herself. That more the weight is a symptom of that. I can understand that, for sure. So, on the surface, sure the weight alone shouldn't be enough for you to stop loving somebody.... but it can at least factor in, or be part of the symptoms of a bigger problem that is causing the rift.

I think I'd say you are on the right track for now. As the others have said, I wouldn't necessarily suggest you end the relationship so hastily. Yet, I also wouldn't just tell you that you categorically, absolutely should not end it. I can't really know that. I'm not you. So, I think talking about it with her (which it sounds like you have) and giving yourselves both the time to think about it and work through it would help. I am not going to say it will be easy because it never is. But, it will at least give you time to decide what you truly think is best.

Good luck to you.

[TheEvilJester]

Weird. The site screwed up as I posted this. Looks like my response posted, but then it didn't reflect as such on the main page. So, trying this again so it will get properly bumped to the top as it should have.

[richiro]

Firstly.. a successful relationsihp doens't mean you have to have the same exat interest and do everything together and 24/7. Thats only in the movies.
But secondly, a healthy relationship means each partner does care and want their partner to be happy, have a good life, and does respect/care about what's important to them (even if they don't participate in it). "Joe just loves his bowling night with the fellas... it's his favorite night each week" and thus one shoudl support Joe and be excited when he wins - even if Joe's partner never goes to bowling night and knows nothign about bowling. Just being happy and excited when Joe is happy/excited is all there needs to be.

So.. you have the formula for a good relationsihp here IF you both supported another and wanted the best for each other and watned to be there for each other. It doesn't sound like that is there.

I would recommend you reach out first and be there for your partner and understand what she went thru and be encrouaging and support her quest to getting fit and getting out of her funk (rather than making it a complaint and "commenting" about how she' unsattratie now). That is NOT being a good partner. In turn, she may start to do the same and yo have a great relationship again (AND have the HOT gf again once she's back in shape).

However.. if all she was to you was a trophy hot gf and an "arm charm" to have sex with - and tha't no longer there b/c she's not attractive at the moment - then let her go and break up. It wassn't a relationsip to begin with and just an image thing.

[Hooo!]

Love and having a crush on someone are fundamentally not the same thing.

You now notice that your crush fades.
That happened to me too.

Just imagine how your life would be without her.
And then imagine a detailed future (how exactly would it be ) if you continued your love and life with her?