Longing to be loved 2

[pcmaster]

Hey guys ! So this is continuation to my first topic started about a year ago about me trying to change my lonely life and create romantic relationship.

http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/98744-longing-loved.html

Its a good 19 page topic so I spend 5 hours yesterday reading it and there is really a lot of good advice that I should remember. Want to say thanks to all those guys who contributed in a big way in my old topic - First of all the [MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION], you did give great advice and seems like understood me the most. Sticked with me for a good while too. Thanks !
Thanks to Hooo! CleanCut, Richiro. You guys were useful and eye opening too.

Anyway Im planning to start dating again so opening this topic again cause its been usefull to have dating and relationship journal, diary like this and my quest for happiness and love is not yet finished. Planning to start date again soon. Hope it goes well. Only problem that been really sensitive lately like listening to all the music and stresses from everyday life made my heart hurt. Doctors said it hurts because of nerves. I have meds that helps well against it but problem is I remember past too often and all the good times with girls because I feel lonely since my best friend have turned his back on me. It seems like easier would be to find a girlfriend than a good friend. Then again dont want to put a strain on a girl with being too needy in communication. What you think about this?

[Hooo!]

My suggestion again is to work on your inner game

Work to be at peace with the world
Work to not hate or even display disrespect
See that being great doesn’t mean you have to lower someone else’s value (amoging)
Rework your attitude

Make people enjoy themselves. Make them feel good about themselves while being truthful
Don’t put yourself in the center.
Dont tell everyone about yourself. They will find out who you are by yourself acting great.
Dont focus on being interesting
Be interested in other people instead

- - - Updated - - -

Think about their point of perspective and how they are feeling

[TheEvilJester]

PC,

You are quite welcome. I've always been glad to help. I consider you to be one of my good buddies here on the forum, so I especially appreciate any chance to help somebody like you.

I definitely think this is a good case of do what I say not what I do. LOL! I don't mean that to sound like I'm telling you what to do. I just mean that I am going to offer you advice I am not following myself (though I should). Which is that you should focus on finding ways to be happy just completely in and of yourself with or without a relationship.... but then not give up on love and still keep open to it. I've got that first part going pretty well, just not the second part.

So, again my personal advice would not to put too much emphasis on finding love. You can still actively look if you want... but in the mean time just focus on doing things that make you happy. Bonus if those things happen to be social activities that could very well help you meet women.... but just don't do them specifically just intending to meet women.

The happier you can become just within yourself, the easier that will actually make it to find love. Not only that, but the easier it will make the pursuit of love because it won't feel like do or die. It won't feel like such a need, but more just a nice to have. Makes it so much easier to take it if things don't go well with any particular relationship. Or even if it takes a while to even get any dates.

You are a good dude. You are fun. We see that here. Some woman will see that eventually as well. Just focus on treating women well and let things be as they be from there. But, perhaps even more importantly, learn to treat YOU well. Because you deserve it. Good luck to you, bro!

[pcmaster]

That makes sense Hooo! Been talking disrespectfuly about one girl to my best friend afterwards he stopped contact. Maybe thats why.
Really have to start think how people feeling.

So Jester you are saying that I have to be happy first. If only it would be so easy lol.
You said Im fun, thats unexpected cause I dont even try to be fun. But sometimes I might say something funny without noticing I did.

Good luck to you too Bro! You been sharing a lot of live on forum.

[TheEvilJester]

Oh, believe me, I understand how being happy, especially alone, can be difficult. I'm not really saying you have to be happy first, I'm saying you should WORK on being happy first. It can still be a work in progress. I'm not one of those people who is going to tell you BS like "if you can't love yourself how is anybody else going to love you?" How the HELL does that help guys like us who have such a hard time loving ourselves? For somebody like me, you might as well just be saying "Nobody will ever love you."

I don't think you have to necessarily be super ridiculously happy in order to successfully find love. I DO think, though, that you shouldn't basically LIVE your unhappiness, if you get what I mean. In other words, it is okay if you haven't quite achieved that happiness alone. It is okay if you aren't quite at a place where you love yourself.... but what you shouldn't do is let that carry into your whole life. Again, so much easier said than done.... but to anybody who doesn't know you well enough, the idea is they should think you are perfectly happy/content.

Sort of like a fake it 'till you make it kinda thing. Around other people, carry yourself like you ARE happy, like you ARE perfectly content with yourself. It's okay not to have this whole life business figured out. I think, to varying degrees, we are ALL just figuring it out as we go. Good luck to you.

[Hooo!]

Jester do you want to be together with someone?
Open a new thread

[lovebroken]

Pretty sure I posted several times to offer advice on that big thread too. Why not just ask the love admin to open it up for you again? Breathe asked and got several threads reopened on here previously.

[pcmaster]

Yes you did post too Love and gave some good advice as well. Thank you for that.

- - - Updated - - -

Now recently been hitting up third girl. I been reading our old messages and then could really tell I liked her back then, got till second date and got too emotional. Saw her online and messaged her, arranged meeting the same night. It was mostly friendly date with restaurant and long walk. I talked mostly about myself. But we both were confident and talked a lot so that was diference from first date half year ago. Anyway stopped to message eachothed on saturtday since she canceled meeting on wednestad and on friday. Same problem as before when she doesn't keep her word. It seemed like its worth a try but obviously its not possible to start from clean page. Too much past there is.

Otherwise Im like on 147 days of no PMO and thats a pretty big streak for nofap site. Still goal is to reach a year of being clean. Despite health problems I keep on going with streak. Its pretty quiet now with girls but sometimes I chat with girls on dating sites, despite that they live in other towns. Thats one of the reasons why I tried with third girl again cause she lives like 10 minute walk from me so thats been bothering that its so easy to meet. So yeah perhaps more luck in summer with girls.

Thanks for advice Jester, really I shouldnt let the shadow of unhapiness follow me and should do something to at least look or seem happy.

[TheEvilJester]

Jester do you want to be together with someone?
Open a new thread

That's a complicated answer. There will always be part of me that will, sure, but right now it just isn't worth risking the rare happiness I have found. But this isn't my thread and, to be perfectly honest, I'm not interested enough in opening a thread about it. I don't mind discussing it, though, if you want, Hooo. Feel free to PM me if you are interested.

Back to PC. It sounds like maybe this "third girl" isn't worth your time, if you ask me. I can't blame you for trying again with her (especially her being so geographically convenient) but it sounds like the same frustrations that made you give up on her in the first place are still present. Sounds like maybe it would be better to just forget her as an option, but that is definitely up to you.

I will also say one more thing.... It is okay to be unhappy. We all are from time to time. So, sometimes it IS okay to actually just let yourself be unhappy. Sometimes you need to just let it out a little. But, again, just don't let it run your whole life. And believe me, I don't say that intending to make it sound easy. I struggle with it myself basically every day. But, it makes things so much better when you can hold that balance for a little while.

Good luck to you, buddy.

[pcmaster]

If looking at all the bad things then its for sure not worth it to try again. But I have good memories and good things I remember makes me want try again. Actually I have understood that I wasnt talking enough and was doing too much. Kinda want to try again but do it right this time. Then again there's no much local girls. And with most them have nothing in common. I really take this as learning opportunity.

And Jester you can post in my topic without hesitating since you dont want to open your own lol. I mean we can help each other at the same time. I really thing something is holding back you from creating a romantic relationship and it needs to be deal with in a healthy way.

[TheEvilJester]

I am dealing with my situation in a healthy way. I mean, if you lost your arm in some terrible accident, do you dwell on how much that sucks for the rest of your life? Hopefully not. You move on and learn to adapt and learn to be happy without it. Sure, part of you will always hate that it happened, but you'll adapt. That's all I am doing.

Anyway, maybe this is just me but I personally see no appeal in a "practice relationship." That seems to be basically what you are describing with her. Apparently things didn't go well with her before, so you want to try fixing some of the mistakes and try again. But, at some point it is just better to realize when a particular relationship just isn't working so you can move on and stop wasting your time. I mean, maybe you haven't hit that point with this gal yet. Maybe there is still a chance to get it right. I can't really know that. I can just tell you that a good relationship shouldn't be about "getting it right" so to speak. It should come naturally. Especially so early in, you shouldn't basically be having to have a do-over.

You deserve somebody who will like you and want to be with you as much as you do with her. That isn't to say you can't learn from your past mistakes. You can and should. Just, don't re-make them again. Good luck.

[pcmaster]

Alright but why exactly have you given up on your love life? Have you stopped believe in yourself? Do you expect fast results? Stuck in a past? Stuck on your past mistakes? Afraid of future? Resisting changes? Give up fast? Work too much? Thing you have something to lose? Dont imagine all your possibilities? Feel sorry for yourself? Think about yourself as weak?

Well all relationships takes work and I said it while I was still seeing her back in the day. I was willing to put in work to create a relationship but she gave up and I see why. When I read my old posts at some point I was talking about sex a lot and it wasnt pleasant to read. But I didnt even noticed how I mentioned sex in my messages to her. She had other problems in her mind cause her friend died year ago and she still had him in her memory so she was thinking about more spiritual things but I seemed really shallow while talking about sex. It really pissed her off but I didnt see the signs. It was like I pushed her away. Anyway I think its worth to try again.

Today I messaged her and said I have a crazy idea. Last year I was in a 5 star hotel in Lithuania during weekend and I want go this year too but not alone. So offered her to come with me and she wouldnt have to pay. Its basically a tour with travel aganecy cause a lot of historic places would be visited too during the day. I send her a link. Hope she wont see it as offer to have sex in hotel cause that is not my intention at all, Im perfectly fine not to have sex and even sleep in different beds, but I dont want her feel undesired too, cause "theres always have to be some sexual tension giving on between girls even if you dont have intention to have sex otherwise you are friend-zoning yourself" as someone said. I said she dont have to agree right away, she have 5 months to think. Waiting for reply now.

[TheEvilJester]

Alright but why exactly have you given up on your love life? Have you stopped believe in yourself? Do you expect fast results? Stuck in a past? Stuck on your past mistakes? Afraid of future? Resisting changes? Give up fast? Work too much? Thing you have something to lose? Dont imagine all your possibilities? Feel sorry for yourself? Think about yourself as weak?

Well, I'll do my best to explain since you ask, but it isn't really easy to understand. Hell, I don't even fully understand it. People tend to just put things in their own little boxes and don't understand that people can be complex and different creatures from one another. I am sure no matter what I say, the questions you asked above are going to be exactly the conclusions you will draw about me. And, that is fine. I understand. It just isn't the case with me.

In fact, it is kind of funny in a way. Have I given up on my love life because I have stopped believing in myself? No, actually. Quite the contrary, in fact. I believe in myself, I care for myself, now more than I EVER have in my life. If nothing else positive could be said about my fruitless experiences.... all of it has made me appreciate me in ways I never did before. I guess in many ways, I'm not willing to let go of that. In many ways, and I am sorry if this sounds cocky since that is in no way how I mean it.... but in many ways I've just earned that peace of mind. I've spent so much time hating myself that I think I deserve to like myself.

Do I expect fast results? Do I give up too fast? I'm in my early/mid-30's and am just now deciding to stop looking for love (or at least take an extended break). Does that tell you anything? No, I don't expect to step outside today and have a girlfriend tomorrow. Hell... I honestly don't even WANT that. I want some time to get to know somebody. I definitely don't want something that drags on forever either, but nor am I expecting something to happen overnight.

Am I stuck in the past? Afraid of the future? Resisting change? Again... all no. I am never one to dwell in the past. Nor am I one to IGNORE the past. I think ignoring past mistakes you fail to grow from them. I acknowledge and endeavor to learn from my past mistakes so I grow from them and do not make them again.

Finally, do I feel sorry for myself? Do I consider myself weak? Those are both a HUGE no. In fact, for the latter I think perhaps the exact opposite always used to be one of my biggest problems. In the distant past it was always hard for me to feel I deserved happiness anyway. I didn't feel the least bit sorry for myself because I felt that fate was what I deserved, even though it was very much NOT what I wanted. That's not been the case in a long time. But even that didn't change my lack of success and lack, really, of any know-how as far as finding love.

So, why really have I given up on the thought that love is meant for me? Because it just isn't healthy for me, personally. I just find it reinforces all those negative feelings. I go into it full hearted thinking I am finally at a point where I appreciate myself and I want to find somebody to share my newfound happiness with.... but it just proves to be as fruitless as ever and winds up making me more and more miserable. I don't fear that misery. I KNOW I can endure and even survive that misery. I've done it my whole life. I guess my point is just that I think I deserve a little happiness. So, right now it just isn't worth risking that happiness. I mean, don't get me wrong. If love dropped into my lap tomorrow I wouldn't walk away from it. It just works better for me, at least for right now, to accept me for who and what I am. I am happy like I've NEVER been before, and I achieved that by myself. Right now, I'm just enjoying that.

Well all relationships takes work and I said it while I was still seeing her back in the day. I was willing to put in work to create a relationship but she gave up and I see why. When I read my old posts at some point I was talking about sex a lot and it wasnt pleasant to read. But I didnt even noticed how I mentioned sex in my messages to her. She had other problems in her mind cause her friend died year ago and she still had him in her memory so she was thinking about more spiritual things but I seemed really shallow while talking about sex. It really pissed her off but I didnt see the signs. It was like I pushed her away. Anyway I think its worth to try again.

Today I messaged her and said I have a crazy idea. Last year I was in a 5 star hotel in Lithuania during weekend and I want go this year too but not alone. So offered her to come with me and she wouldnt have to pay. Its basically a tour with travel aganecy cause a lot of historic places would be visited too during the day. I send her a link. Hope she wont see it as offer to have sex in hotel cause that is not my intention at all, Im perfectly fine not to have sex and even sleep in different beds, but I dont want her feel undesired too, cause "theres always have to be some sexual tension giving on between girls even if you dont have intention to have sex otherwise you are friend-zoning yourself" as someone said. I said she dont have to agree right away, she have 5 months to think. Waiting for reply now.

Okay. Fair enough. As I often say, you do have to do what feels right for you personally. So, if you do think there is some worth in trying again with this gal, then go for it. I wish you the best. Frankly, I think you are awesome for the very fact that you can look back and realize you made mistakes, and you are ever more awesome for making a commitment to learn and grow from those mistakes.

If this gal is willing to give you the chance to prove that, then that is great. Maybe she will see the change in you and like what she sees. Again, I will still suggest that, at the very least, you not waste TOO much time on any one gal. If she just can't seem to see past the things that drove you two apart previously, then at some point you should just move on. IF she's going to give you a sincere second chance.... then she has to do just that.... GIVE YOU A CHANCE. Nobody deserves to continue to be punished for their past mistakes unless they still keep making them.

Hopefully, though, she'll actively give you that chance and will see the positive changes in you. For now, I think you are on the right track. Just continue to be a gentleman and let her somewhat dictate the pace. That doesn't mean you can't try to get the ball rolling, you definitely should. Nothing wrong with making it obvious you are interested in her as a potential date. It's just, now maybe you've learned better how to sort of follow your potential partner's lead somewhat. Like, as you mentioned, when you often drove the conversation toward sex but that just made her upset, that was obviously a sign to maybe dial it back a little. In the past, you kept at it perhaps just sensing that you were pursuing what you wanted and nothing wrong with that. Which is true to SOME degree... but not when the other party is displaying they are not interested and/or you are moving too fast. I think you definitely have you head around that much better now.

So, that relationship certainly could maybe work now where it didn't before. But, you deserve somebody great. Whether that winds up being her or not. So, just keep that in mind. Hopefully it goes well, but if not don't waste too much of your time.

[Hooo!]

Nö a relationship doesn’t just come naturally

That’s like expecting a child to naturally grow up alright somehow
Or like having the best job naturally somehow

If you want something you have to work or refine it
Relationships just like friendships involve work
As relationships are more intimate and face more difficulties on a daily basis it requires compromises and work
Just like a child does.

[pcmaster]

I think you are resisting change Jester because before said you are happy and dont want to risk to lose it. You are comfortable in your routine and deadpool mask but eventually if you want to be happy you will have to take that mask off like in that movie. With that I mean if you will ever want to attract right girl then you will have to open up to her, not exactly your biggest secrets but your general life story and how you get to the place you are right now.

Thanks for your support Jester. I really think there is a chance and it would be impossible to waste too much time since I dont have much time to waste since Im 28 already and have plans for the next years ahead. I cant give this years thats for sure.
But so far things looks hopeful. After all Christmas is coming the time of miracles lol. Only thing is if this works out I would have to but a christmas present lol. So maybe will save that what I bought her when we just started dating in spring. Havent still gave that thing to her, cause as always when I buy something on ebay girl is gone before thing arrives.