So confused.

[Caramelpopcorn]

I met my “love interest” that I met online 7 months ago and been calling and video chatting with on daily basis since. We finally met.

We met on Halloween and he arrived the night before me and was going to pick me up from the airport (we were meeting at a neutral city) he was so late cause his uber app wasn’t working but I didn’t mind at all, I just wanted to meet him after 7 months of chatting. He walked towards me smiling and put his arms around me and kissed me on the lips, it felt weird cause he didn’t even say hi first, and he was very touchy feely. That first day was a bit strange, he wasn’t like what I expected personality wise, he was really insecure which shocked me cause he always came off so confident. Other than that first day the rest went amazingly well, we were smiling and laughing and dancing just having a great time, he was a different person in real life but a person I was falling in love with still, he was so affectionate and physical, always wanted to hold me, kiss my hands, forehead, my neck, falling asleep holding me.

Even in the middle of the night when he’s basically unconscious he’d grab and pull me to him to kiss me. He didn’t want to let go. One time I fell asleep before brushing my teeth and he came and carried me to the bathroom to brush our teeth together, it was so surreal. He wanted to wash my hair, brush it and braid it.

Whenever we were out he’d look into my eyes and get so emotional whenever he talked about me or his feelings or how happy he is. All he was saying is I looked so beautiful and he wanted me to be happy and have a good time.

The day before our last we had brunch and I had way too many mimosas, we went back to the hotel and I told him I loved him, I don’t really remember what was even happening before that, but I was 100% sure he’d say he loved me. Everything he did screamed it. He then said I’m not at that level though.. and everything seemed to go downhill from there.

We sat down and he said he didn’t feel that spark or chemistry, but more of an intimacy comfort thing, I was so shocked, felt almost betrayed cause that’s not the signal he was giving me, that he was just so used to me. I asked him how come? He said when we kissed it was the most emotional feeling and he felt like he was pouring his soul into me. Then he said on another level I do love you, then later said I do love you, just not enough, and kept whispering I love you the entire night which really confused me so much. He said hearing me say those 3 words shook him.

He kept crying the whole night, saying sorry but that he was scared. We went to an awkward dinner afterwards, I was feeling pretty upset cause he was giving me completely different signals.

We went back to the hotel and sat across from each other saying we’ll sleep on different beds, we kept talking about random things then he cried again so I hugged him and he said he’d like if we sat together in the bed and watched tv one last time, he held me exactly like he was before, then started kissing me and we got intimate one last time, very emotional this time. He kept saying he doesn’t want to forget my smell.

He was bawling his eyes and said he felt so bad for being late to picking me up from the airport and so insecure so that kiss was to overcompensate to how nervous he was. That he ruined that day.

He took me to the airport the next day after more crying, he said he hasn’t cried this much in years. At the airport he didn’t want to let go but eventually we had to say goodbye. He texted me on the plane saying how after 7 months he’s still stunned by me and wishing we had more time. He said he liked me even more than he expected to.

The next day was his turn to go back home and he texted me more saying he’s feeling hurt, regret, sadness and numbness, and wishing he was stronger to take this forward and he’s so sorry. He said he’d like us to be friends once we both move on, but that he needs time to find closure and move on.

I’m gutted, I feel so confused and I don’t understand what happened, I’m not that stupid, I mean if he was acting aloof or unhappy I would have known, but he acted so smitten and so happy the entire time. On our walks a day before he said he didn’t want this to be casual and didn’t want me to even say that, he said don’t you think this is worth it? He seemed so ready to go forward.

We deleted each other off social media, but I still have him on WhatsApp and he’s been checking it non stop.

I’m still so confused and I don’t understand what happened?

[Hooo!]

I do not understand what you don’t understand.

What do you want in regards to him?

[Caramelpopcorn]

Why didn’t his actions match his words I mean? The way he was acting and giving me mixed signals.

[madotnw_nihs]

While his actions didn't match his words, I think he was so emotionally attached to you because of the 7 months that when he didn't have that "spark", he was devastated. Perhaps he wanted kindle that spark so he did all those things. I won't say he handled the situation well as he also seems a little off. The bottom line is that he doesn't "love" you that way. It sucks, but I would move on.

[Caramelpopcorn]

You’re right. I think it got too much too fast especially how it started off at the airport. I was uncomfortable but I didn’t speak up. I think if we tried a slower pace it would have worked. I think he was putting too much pressure on himself and it totally backfired cause he cracked under the pressure. I did too.

I do wonder if we can still be friends. We haven’t talked since we both went back to our cities.

[madotnw_nihs]

While online dating does provide advantages of time and access to many different people, we need to realize that meeting in person will be very different than the image we conjured up virtually of the person. It's almost wise to start fresh when you meet in person.

I think it's reasonable to think you both can be friends still.

[Caramelpopcorn]

He comes to my city a few times a year, that’s where we actually first “matched” but I turned meeting him down cause I didn’t want to do long distance (until I changed my mind when I liked him more). He asked if he should say hello to me if we run into each other whenever he comes back, so I guess there’s a small chance to start over, even if it’s just a friendship, I think I would probably need to lose my feelings for him first though?

[madotnw_nihs]

Yes, I would lose my feelings first.

[GLYC]

While online dating does provide advantages of time and access to many different people, we need to realize that meeting in person will be very different than the image we conjured up virtually of the person. It's almost wise to start fresh when you meet in person.

I think it's reasonable to think you both can be friends still.

I agree with this, it's actually what makes online dating burn a person out pretty quickly. It can be pretty disappointing which is why I generally prefer to get to know people sooner than later, and moreso in person (after you've paved a little bit of rapport between the two of you).

Online personas can mask a real persons persona, you can hide behind text messages, have time to react and think what to say. You can't do that in person.

Always look at actions, not words. The older you get, the more you realize talk is cheap.

He's unsure of things. I do agree trying to force and pressure things was a bit off putting, but he was also pushing things Really really fast.
It was fine to get intimate, but you two didn't need to talk so deeply about things, hang out and have fun.

I would move on.
Possibly he felt the same way as you, in that he expected you to be a bit different. With online dating, and continued long durations of texting, you build up a fantasy of what the person is like. Next time, do some Skype dates first. Thats the closest you can get to an actual date sometimes.

[madotnw_nihs]

To piggyback off of this, I will recount some of the online experiences that I had. I've met dozens of people online. Some in the US, some in foreign countries while I had an extended stay there. While I did some usual bar hopping stuff, I found I met some of the most compatible people online. I didn't go to online dating sites, but just chat rooms or online(yahoo) games. I didn't seek love or anything like that, but just normal friendship and see whats comes out of it. My chats online are not more than a few lines of text that spans over a day or two. I generally get a sense if I am compatible with someone quickly. We then usually meet and see what shakes out. Some turned into a more serious relationships while others didn't amount to much. The point is 1) say a few things to see if you are compatible. 2) don't be too emotionally involved. 3) meet as soon as possible.

[Caramelpopcorn]

We actually had plans to meet last June, like 2.5 months after we matched online, but he got scared and his fear sparked off my fear and it was a cycle of both our fears feeding off each other. I really thought we were compatible, and I still think we are, I know he thinks we are as well but I guess this wasn’t enough. I thought we developed a deep friendship cause when we started talking my father was dying, and he would call me everyday to comfort me.

In real life he was way more emotional and more insecure than he ever let show. I wonder if he’s just emotionally unavailable? He hasn’t dated much at all since his last breakup 3 years ago.

I wonder if too much intimacy and comfort kills the spark? Cause being around each other felt so natural after that awkward first day. He kept saying how it all felt so natural and unforced.

Part of me still want to try, but I think that if there’s no spark for him it will never happen. You can’t force a spark, but also I know that just having this spark isn’t enough. It’s not enough to sustain any kind of relationship just based on that.

[Hooo!]

He doesn’t want to be friends. He wants to **** your brains out
If you are ok with that then pls tell him

I don’t even get what you want in regards to him? What do you really want? What does he really want?
Are those compatible?

[Caramelpopcorn]

You mean he wanted a fwb? Yea this isn’t what I wanted nor what he ever hinted at, I guess I was stupid enough not to see it then? I wanted to meet him and see how it’s like in real life and if we could be more. He’s always talked about wanting something serious though. It would have been nice if he’s told me he didn’t feel that spark on the first day huh?

I can’t blame him though, I can only blame myself.

[Hooo!]

Whaaaaat noooo

- - - Updated - - -

I think I’m mussing the point completely

What I get so far is that he
Just wants you to be happy
He absolutely adores you
Feels deep Connection

I don’t see the problem

Stop getting hung on on words or phrases

Wether you call that spark or love or whatever isn’t important at all


The important thing is what you both want and what your future intent is


If you both want each other
On an intimate (sexual and romantic) basis
And you want to continue that then what are you so fussed about.

[Hooo!]

Also read this story here
It may apply

What does he actually want? Do you know?

Ps I’d rather discuss this here since this process may help others