Guilt and regret settling in, unsure of the future

[Wave0912]

Let me just start off by saying I’m glad I found this forum to share my thoughts and feelings. Right now I feel down and vulnerable and the one thing I need is to vent how I feel. Sorry it’s a bit long...

Basically I (24) am not legally married, however I had been with my now ex-girlfriend (23) for about 5 years now and been living with her for about 4 years. We also share a 3 year old child together, so it’s safe to say we lived a married lifestyle. I left her a couple of days ago because our relationship was tense and dysfunctional. Trust issues, arguing, bickering and disrespect for one another was the common and I was unhappy in the relationship. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. We both had also came to the realization that we were almost polar opposites of each other personality wise and incompatible. I stopped myself from leaving before for the sake of our child. I wanted my daughter to grow up with both of her parents, but I didn’t want her being caught up in middle of our problems and traumatize her either. It seemed as if our relationship was irreparable. I would constantly day dream about being single and having freedom again or imagining life with another partner ...At a point I sincerely felt that I lost all love I had for her.

It didn’t help that I met someone else who I quickly grew fond of while working at a new job. She has many qualities I really like in a woman. She is focused and driven, very smart, clean, organized and hard working. She isn’t the provocative or flirty type although she is very attractive. Not to mention she takes good care of herself going to the gym regularly and yet she radiates a humble personality on top of it all.

While closing my shift one night, we started talking and it just took off from there. Behind my now ex’s back, I was texting this new girl and even went out on a date where we hit it off really well. We shared many things in common and her personality and quirkiness was a refreshing change from my ex.. in the moment I forgot about it all. I felt guilty trying to hide my exchanges with this girl and never grew the courage to just tell my ex that I was talking with someone else. I did not want to hurt her more, I knew she still loved me.

Against all her pleas to stay with her and promises to work it out... a couple days ago I finally grabbed my things and set off for the road. I did not want to further devastate her so we agreed that I would be there for my kid Incase anything and she could stay at our apartment for the meantime and for the security of our child. I am staying at a family members house until she feels ready to move on.

It is now that I am starting to feel regret. I miss her. I miss my kid and it hurts me terribly to imagine life without her everyday. I imagine the worst and think about my ex meeting someone else who will be horrible to my child. It tears me up inside that I can’t be there to protect her. While so far I have been in NC with her, each night gets progressively worse. I feel like I abandoned my first family and will live with regret forever if she finds happiness elsewhere. I know this sounds extremely selfish and I do wish her the best, it just pains me inside to think of her with someone other than myself. This new girl is fantastic and all but I’m feeling overwhelmed with guilt.

I am in a situation now where I don’t want to make this new girl “the rebound”. I sincerely am very into her but I don’t know if I am ready to jump into another relationship so soon. At the same time I really want to get to know her better and possibly grow something out of it. Word gets around quickly at work so yes this new girl did have some knowledge that I was in a relationship already when I asked her for number but she wanted to hear it for herself from me. I told her the truth and told her that things with my now ex aren’t working out and I’ll be splitting with her soon. She basically just wants to make sure I’m steering clear and clean of any drama if we want to continue talking and that is what I’m trying to do. Let me get it straight, I did not leave my family for this woman, she made it easier for me but it was much more deep rooted than that.

Do I stick with the plan and stay strong to stay in NC and consider our relationship over? Should I continue to see where the path leads us with the new girl and I ? I have many things on my mind and any input would greatly help me out right now.

[WiltedRose]

Only you can answer these questions love? You are so very confused but I feel are still in the position to contact your ex and tell her the truth and see how she feels about your relationship progressing?

If you still feel jealousy towards your ex there is something definitely there isn’t there but obvs there may be trust issues if things did progress.


And re the new girl not many relationships work straight after a long term relationship (ppl may disagree with me) how about seeing a Councilor on your own to try and clear your head?

[Snow White]

So, you are not getting along with your "wife". You fantasize about being single and then you meet another woman who seems to hold all the traits your wife does not. You got what you supposedly wanted, but you are still not happy. Now you are wondering if your ex will find someone else like you have. Is it that you don't want her, but you don't want anyone else to have her?

It seems like you have no clue as to what you want, but you need to figure it out soon. Do you still have feelings for your ex or is it you just have a problem with her being with someone else? If you still love your "wife", then you should seek couple's counseling. If there is nothing left between the two of you, be realistic and realize this new girl was there when you needed someone and could just be a rebound.

[Hooo!]

If you get back together you need a new and better way to communicate.
There seems to be some issues because of which you both were not able to life up to the relationship you wanted.

This feeling of deep affection of not wanting to be with someone else ultimately is btw love. It is not to be confused with having a crush on someone (second girl). Those two are beautiful but yet completely different feels.
Love is quiet and wide and just there.
A crush is loud and potent can be deep and is very noticeable