I have failed myself completely and I am so upset with myself - please help

[avery08]

Last year I met John through one of my closest friends and we instantly clicked. Right off the bat he was one minute super interested, he would suggest something, then would not keep his word, I got annoyed, called him out on it - he told me he was super busy and he would love to date me, but wants to wait several months. I said I don't know how I will feel in several months and I would rather try now - and then he immediately started calling me his gf, asked me to change my relationship status online, made our relationship quite public, when I didn't even know him that well. He told me he loved me on our second date, I felt the whole thing was a bit bizarre really, but I did really like him. I realised soon enough John was terrible at keeping his word. Firstly he told me I wouldn't ever come to his place cause it's a dump, then he would only make time for me once a week and if I were lucky he wouldn't cancel it. Now, I know he had warned he'd be super busy, but even when he did have time, he didn't really spend it with me. He would go hiking (I was invited but warned it was a proper hike and I am not good at hiking - why not choose an easier route?), or just sit at home and watch TV shows. He barely spent any time with me and when I would complain about his last minute cancelations and elaborate excuses that would come my way, he would call me pathologically insecure and tell me I needed to see a shrink. I was driven insane little by little and eventually I snapped insulting him, he called me aggressive and broke it off.

A year goes by and we meet again at an anniversary party, he is flirty with me, he pays a lot of attention to me, we talk, continue to exchange messages, I am careful as my friends are warning me I should be careful with him, I don't care. He is not telling me he wants to be with me, but he sends me texts, says he wants to build a friendship, asks me for walks, talks about my dress and how he wouldn't mind sharing a room with me. But again - he is not finding time for me - at all. After about a month of trying to meet up with him, I get a message from our mutual friend telling me they are going to a fare with John and would like to invite me. And stupidly enough I then text John about him having time for that, but none for me. He was naturally confused - he is not my boyfriend, he doesn't need to make time for me, but all my old frustrations come back and even though he had apologised for acting the way he did, he now again talks about my insecurities as if I had reacted during our relationship in an insane and irrational way. So I once again gave him the perfect excuse to call me insane and irrational and I let myself down. I should know better than this. I told him I had feelings for him again and he said he wanted nothing to do with me and he was just trying to be polite. Please help. Thank you.

[madotnw_nihs]

I am not sure what you want help with. The relationship didn't work out and he doesn't want anything to do with you. Seems like you need to learn to not invest your emotions into non-established relationships too early.