I am competing with a dog for my finances attention

[Kcrecelius1]

So me and my fiance have been together 3 years. I just gave birth to our 2nd son. We met at on a fire run(were both firefighters) and I instantly wanted to get to know him. Everything was great, he would come see me before I went to work and I would go see him after he got off work. A couple months later he asked me to move in with him and I did. We found out we were pregnant and he couldn't have been more excited, supportive, and loving. He would come up and hug me, bring me flowers, etc. 2 years later, he doesn't touch me in any kind of way, doesn't kiss me, doesn't say he loves me unless I bring it up. We don't sleep in the same bed because he says it's too soft for his back(he's 50 years old). We don't go out on dates, he rarely talks to me. When I confront him about my need for communication and just a simple hug, he says I'm not that kind of guy. But he has a dog that he cuddles with, he kisses, he pets constantly. They go everywhere together. Now I'm over here trying to make him happy( pathetic I know). I'm cooking dinners for him and his coworkers, I'm rubbing his head and back, I'm doing whatever it takes to make him happy and most the time he doesn't even acknowledge anything. So are we at the end of our relationship? Have I done all I can to rekindle what we had? How can I get this man to see I'm dying inside?

[rjkennedy]

Hi Kc

I've heard and seen this many times before. Stick a fork in the relationship..."it's Done." Think about it Kc, All was good at the beginning, then two years later, everything started changing. I can guarantee you he's seeing someone else. Also, at 50, he wants to "sow his wild oats before he gets too old."

Kc, look at all the signs; The romantic gestures have stopped, no dates together, no communication or sleeping together, etc; This isn't the way you wanted it. Now all his attention that should be given your way is gone to his dog. (Basically, the dog has taken your place). All his loving, touching romantic gestures is going to his other lady.

Your only role now is to cater to him. To make him feel good. He got you where he wants because of the children and time already put into the relationship. (In other words, he knows you're not going anywhere).

If you BOTH want to be happy (I know he's satisfied the way things are going in this relationship)Then you both need counseling. But I already know he won't go because he see nothing wrong with the way things are going.

What I suggest is to go to my website (the url is below in my signature with the 'Beating Heart') and read some fantastic articles that touches on what you guys are going through. Read my articles together. They're also great items that offer solutions toward rekindling your relationship. Keep in touch! Let me know how it goes.

[Hooo!]

You guarantee they are seeing someone else?
What a curse to put on someone

That’s like putting poison into someone’s mouth

Bah shame on you

[Kcrecelius1]

Hook! Unfortunately I'm sure rjkennedy is right. About a year ago, he started sneaking over to his ex wife's house late at night to hang out with her. I actually ended things with him when I found out. I agreed to work things out as long as he stopped seeing her and we went to one session of counseling where he told the therapist that he thinks I'm being ridiculous because him and her have been friends for 30 years and that's all they are. The therapist proceeded to tell him that he's wrong, that no woman would put up with his actions. For a bit after that, things were good but now he's back to private texts messages and deleting his conversations right after, running to her house every chance he gets and stays there for long periods of time, he really doesn't talk to me and when he does he's seems irritated from the sound of my voice. I've seen all the signs but I was hoping I could somehow change the outcome because 1: I love him and 2: we have two kids, one that is a year old and the other I just had a little over a week ago.

[TheEvilJester]

I won't say it is hopeless. It certainly is entirely possible there IS hope. ...However, I have to admit that I lean towards agreeing with rjkennedy. I mean, I do not necessarily agree that it is an absolute foregone conclusion that he's cheating on you. It certainly is possible, but it is also possible he and his ex TRULY are just friends. It is also entirely possible he's completely faithful to you. ...The truth of the matter, though, is sometimes that isn't enough. With the way he treats you, he's barely a romantic partner to you at all. So, even if he's NOT cheating on you.... he's basically not your fiance or even boyfriend at all. He's essentially your fiance only in title.

I will say, when I first started reading your story, my gut instinct was "Okay, so maybe he's just not super affectionate. Some guys are like that." Let's pretend that IS the case.... that still doesn't make it okay. It may be okay for him, but it is obviously not okay for you. So, either he can find a way to meet you halfway in a manner of speaking, or he should be man enough to let you go because he realizes he cannot give you what you need.

...BUT.... the more I read of your story, the more his claim of just not being a super lovey-dovey guy strikes me as BS. He is super affectionate with his dog, apparently. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE animals. I am always very cuddly with my pets. I'm a big idiot when it comes to my animals. LOL! I baby-talk them, I pet them, I give them goofy pet names.... but if/when I'm lucky enough to have a special gal in my life... she'd NEVER be left feeling like I care more about my pets than her.

So, I feel I may smell BS from him on that one. Not only that, but he barely treats you like anything more than a friend....yet spends countless hours with his EX?! Whether or not anything is happening between them, how does he expect you to be okay with that? Your therapist was right. Just about NOBODY would be okay with that.

Now, again, I'm not going to say it is hopeless. Communication is key. Counseling could help. Thing is.... he's made it seem unlikely he has any interest in trying to make things any better. You've tried counseling and he apparently didn't take it seriously. What exactly would change this time? Only you can really know if you think there is truly any hope he COULD change... that he actually COULD possibly see that he needs to shape up. So, only you can know that for sure.

When it comes down to it though.... it is definitely great and admirable to try to make it work for the kids.... but ultimately they will be okay no matter what happens. Sure, it would be ideal if their parents could remain together, but they would be so much happier with two happy parents who are apart than they'd be with two miserable parents who stay together just for them. You two breaking up certainly doesn't mean you can't still be friendly for the sake of the kids. Again, hopefully it doesn't even have to come to that, but you should care enough about yourself to do the right thing for you even if it may be difficult. Good luck to you.

[Kcrecelius1]

Thank you for giving me a different perspective. Not too long ago I was giving him crap for how whipped his dog has him lol but I did tell him that he should make a habit that when he loves on his dog, he should hug me or kiss me or anything but just give me something. He laughed and said ya I doubt that'll happen. He's always told me he wasn't affectionate and the way I will know he loves me is by him telling me but he hasn't told me that in awhile. Either way somethings got to change. I can not keep giving everything I have and getting nothing in return.

[TheEvilJester]

Truth be told, some people really ARE just not super affectionate. Some people just aren't all that big on being super cuddly and kissy and all that. So, that certainly could be the case with him. Though, again, the fact that he's so cuddly with his dog makes me wonder about that. Like I said, I myself am a big animal lover. I'm definitely that way with my cat. But, I'd be the same way, probably even more so, if I had a special lady in my life. I certainly wouldn't be all affectionate with my cat and then basically treat my gal like she was a buddy.

But, again, even if I just pretend for the sake of argument that he IS just one of those peeps who isn't super affectionate in his love life..... That's perfectly okay if he's with somebody who is okay with that. Thing is.... he's with you and you're not okay with it. So, his attitude of basically "That's just who I am so you just have to deal with it" is not okay. Ultimately, maybe that IS just who he is... but then that may well mean he's not the right match for you.

Again, that will have to be your decision, of course. We can tell you what we might do if it were one of us in your situation, but none of us can tell you what you should do. Only you truly know what is best for you. I wish you the best in figuring it out. Good luck.

[Hooo!]

I didn’t say it’s impossible
I didn’t Say it’s improbable
I just don’t like the: if it doesn’t work out you can **** the next girl out there

A lot of good pick up artists are good at picking girls up
Meeting them, seducing them and ****ing them
But they suck at having lasting relationships. Simply because it’s easier for them to just get a new ****toy if the old one has stopped working

[TheEvilJester]

Thank you for giving me a different perspective. Not too long ago I was giving him crap for how whipped his dog has him lol but I did tell him that he should make a habit that when he loves on his dog, he should hug me or kiss me or anything but just give me something. He laughed and said ya I doubt that'll happen.

I don't know why I forgot about this part, but as I'm re-reading this I am honestly starting to wonder if he even deserves the chance to possibly change. Frankly, it isn't like I thought there was much chance of him caring enough to change anyway based on what you've shared with this, but this has me doubting it even further. I mean, you are just asking him for something ANY significant other would want and should just be a given in a relationship.... and he LAUGHS at you about it? Honestly, I'm not so sure somebody like that even deserves a chance anyway. That is incredibly insensitive. But, again, could be I'm just overreacting. I don't know. I wasn't there. So, that will have to be your decision. Good luck to you. You definitely deserve somebody who will appreciate you the way you deserve. Maybe that CAN be him, and if so great.... but if not then please care enough about yourself to break free and allow yourself the opportunity to find somebody who will appreciate you.

[Kcrecelius1]

Thank you eviljester. I'm just not someone who gives up easily. Once I'm committed I'm all in unless I find my partner to be unfaithful. He may not deserve anything I give to him, but after all that I've put into this relationship I owe it to myself to get to the bottom of this and determine whether or not it's salvageable.

[TheEvilJester]

That is very admirable. I respect you for that. I'm that way myself. Once somebody is important to me (be it as a friend or as a significant other) generally you'd basically have to TRY to lose me. I am fiercely loyal. ....The thing is sometimes there is being loyal and sometimes there is being stubborn, even to your own detriment. I am NOT saying you are being stubborn here. I can't really know that because maybe there truly IS something there. Maybe there truly IS some chance of him being the partner you deserve.

So, you are definitely not wrong to keep trying if that is what you want. At the same time, though, somebody being unfaithful to you should not be the only deal-breaker. He could be completely faithful.... yet still not be right for you. If that is the case, you are doing yourself a disservice to stay with him just because he's been loyal. Again, like I said, I cannot know whether or not there is a chance he could be what you need and deserve in a partner. Maybe he can. I hope he can and does. I just hope, just as much if not more so, that if he cannot that you care enough about yourself to do what is best for you. But, again, good luck to you either way. I wish for the best for you in whatever form that may take.

[Kcrecelius1]

We had a really good day yesterday. Of course he had a really bad migraine so he was a little out of it from his migraine medicine but he was really talkitave and playful, he even laid his head on my shoulder. It's been awhile since we had a good day like that. But I showed him how much I enjoyed it and he tried to do the same thing today even though I could tell he didn't want to. I don't think this will last ling but we'll see

[TheEvilJester]

Hey, a little effort is at least a good start. That's not nothing for sure. Shows he at least cares enough to try. I hope things continue to go well. Definitely still a wait and see sort of thing because he could try for a bit then just lose interest in bothering again. ...But for now that is at least a great start. He's trying, and that is definitely a good thing.

Good luck.