Ups and Downs

[Dearprudence]

I am writing today as a follow-up to a message I posted back in September. I need some additional advice and don't know where else to turn. Here is that message I posted back in the fall:

"I have been dating a wonderful man for the past 10 months. We are currently living together and he treats me like gold. We have fun together and I feel like we are completely in love. I honestly could not imagine my life without him. Unfortunately, though, he is not divorced from his wife yet (but is legally separated) and his divorce will not be final until early in 2018. Because of this, I have a hard time trusting him. To my knowledge, he has limited (if any) contact with her, but I still have a hard time believing that he is 100% committed to me. Because of this, I have turned into a person I am not proud of...I check his phone, I look through his texts - all without his knowledge. And I haven't found anything at all. This weekend while we were on vacation, he was pretty drunk and told me that he still loved her but couldn't be with her because of all the problems they had in the past. I asked him about the conversation the next day and he remembered saying it but didn't elaborate on it.

I am afraid my paranoia will ruin a good thing here. But then again, I don't want to NOT paranoid and there is a reason I should be. Is it normal that he would still "love" his ex after being married for 10+ years (and separated for 1 year)? Or should this be a BIG RED FLAG for me?"

So fast forward to the present: I have since been able to stop snooping completely and felt that I was really able to trust him. We have been having a great time together - and even celebrated our 1 year dating anniversary back in late October. I knew, however, that the date for his upcoming divorce was looming and I knew that the holidays would also be hard - even though he and I would be together. Despite everything seemingly going well (we both appeared happy with each other and completely, madly in love!), he came to me in mid-November and said he wanted to move out to a half-way house of sorts - in order to clear his mind, take some time to process his feelings regarding his marriage/divorce, and to be completely "sober" for at least 1 year. Needless to say, he didn't meet the requirements for the half-way house so he asked to continue living with me, with a new, 100% focus on getting himself straightened out.

This plan worked. For the last 1.5 months, things have been back to normal, and again, I thought we were both very happy with each other. He seemed to really be working things out and for the most part, seemed to be happier in general. Then, out of the blue, he tells me on Friday night that he has tremendous feelings of shame living with me and having sex with me since we are not married. He tells me that he loves me and feels like we are meant to be together (a perfect match!) but that he still has not completely processed all his feelings towards his ex-wife (they will be legally divorced in February). He goes on to say that he feels terrible having sex with me since he is still technically married to her and that he really wants to do things the "right" way. He agreed that we can't unring that bell - what's done is done - but he did ask if we could stay together, but with no physical contact until he is able to get his mind straightened out regarding his marriage. (He has a sorted sexual history with many previous partners - and has only been married once. So this was a little shocking to me as well and never a concern he had expressed before). Needless to stay, I spent last night in the guest room and we haven't had any physical contact at all since Sunday evening. He even went so far as to say that he wants to marry me and spend his life with me, but that he doesn't feel right doing that because of how our relationship is right now.

There are many, many more details to all this, but I've tried to summarize it as best I can here. There are no words for how sad, confused, and blindsided that I feel right now. I love him very much, more than I every thought it was possible to love another person. I don't necessarily need to have sex to be in a relationship with him, but it is such a drastic change to how we have been living for the last year that I am scared and again, paranoid. I truly viewed our sexual relationship, not just as a physical act, but as a way to connect deeper and more intimately. I am willing to do whatever I can to help him, love him, and support him during the tough times - and that includes no sex or physical contact. But I must ask - is this what I should be doing? Or is this really just the beginning of the end - and I should be preparing myself for that?!?!?

I apologize for the length of this post, but I appreciate any help or insight anyone could share. Thanks in advance...

[madotnw_nihs]

It seems to me he can't let go of his wife. Do you know the reason he started to drink? Is it because of the breakup or has he always had an issue with drinking?

[Dearprudence]

He has had an on-again, off-again problem with drinking, prior to the break-up of his marriage. He has had long periods of sobriety in the past but is currently struggling with staying sober. So I think the drinking was before the separation from his wife.

So...any advice if he really "can't let go of his wife"??? Isn't this one of those things that will get better with time? (I went through a divorce myself 3 years ago - it was hard initially, but eventually has gotten easier) ?!?!?!?

[madotnw_nihs]

Yes, it is normally something people get past with time, but who knows what his time frame is. I can tell you I am pretty quick on getting over breakups and whatnot. It's useless to dwell on the past besides learning from it.
To go from being intimate to not is a drastic change. I just don't buy into the "not being fair to you" reason. Spending time in a guest room? That is just strange. He can say all the things in the world that you are perfect, but he needs to action on it which he hasn't.

I know you are emotionally invested in this, but you need to step and look at it objectively to see if it makes sense. I always think "Life is too short to spend too many years with endeavors with no future". There has to be a breaking point where you walk away. For me, it would have been awhile ago.

[Dearprudence]

I agree with you and definitely see your point. In our state, you have to be legally separated for at least 366 days (1 year + 1 day) to even file for divorce. He hasn't hit that mark yet, so he can't even file until the middle of February. I feel like that will likely be my breaking point - if that date passes and he hasn't made any further move to end things formally with her. I think I would feel worse if he was still in contact with her, still seeing her, etc., but he isn't and said a few weeks ago that he is still planning to pursue the divorce.

To even further complicate issues, he "asked" me to sleep in the bedroom with him last night and we ended up having sex. He hasn't mentioned it or said anything about everything that was said over the weekend. I am just really really confused...but you are right, I am VERY invested in this and don't want to end things, especially if this is just a bump in the road that will even out once this divorce is behind him.

[bulrush]

> This weekend while we were on vacation, he was pretty drunk and told me that he still loved her but couldn't be with her because of all the problems they had in the past.

Just because he loves her does not mean they are right for each other or he wants to stay with her. These are different issues, which women often think are the same issue. It helps to understand the trends in differences between men and women in order to understand the big picture, so try not to assume hostility when I talk about differences in men and women. In the mind of a man, they are different issues. The plus side is he recognizes they are not right for each other and he's doing something about it (getting a divorce).

> Is it normal that he would still "love" his ex after being married for 10+ years (and separated for 1 year)?

Yes it's normal. See above. The love between me and my 1st wife died long before I filed for divorce so this was not an issue. She was a very abusive person. Just because he feels a feeling does not mean that determines his actions. A feeling would determine someone's actions only if they were irrational.

> Then, out of the blue, he tells me on Friday night that he has tremendous feelings of shame living with me and having sex with me since we are not married.

And this is why you don't get involved with someone until their divorce has been finalized for at least a year. They need a year to sort themselves out emotionally, and maybe financially.

> and feels like we are meant to be together (a perfect match!)

You can't possibly know you two are a perfect match since you are still in the honeymoon stage. It's very dangerous to you if you don't understand what the honeymoon stage is, and you start making decisions while still in that stage. This is why I advise people to live together 1-2 years before getting engaged. Get into a routine, get a little bored, find out if you still want to be with him even during the bad times. You can't possibly know who he is until you go through some bad times together.

> But I must ask - is this what I should be doing?

Yes. He said plainly what he needs, so do that. He's distancing himself from sex because he's confused about bonding with someone else via sex. But you're in it, so keep on trying.

> Or is this really just the beginning of the end - and I should be preparing myself for that?!?!?

No, he never said it was the end. That is just your fears talking. Separate your fears of what COULD happen with the reality of what is happening now. If you don't get rid of your fear it could take over and ruin everything. Let go of your fear, don't let it influence you. You are allowed to think about the future but not to the point it makes you crazy. Live a bit more in the now.

[Dearprudence]

Thank you so much for your post and your thoughtful advice. It was very helpful for you to point out the differences in the thoughts between men and women (things I hadn't really thought about, honestly). I also really appreciate you mentioning my "fears" getting the best of me - and trying not to let it ruin things here. I also agree with you about the "honeymoon phase." We have encountered some difficult times, but I know that it is nothing compared to the reality of being together for the long haul. We've lived together for exactly 11 months today...as you said, not nearly long enough to really know how things will *really* be. I have been really trying to give him the space he needs and to not "question" too much.

Do you have any advice on how to live in the now?? With his divorce date quickly approaching, I am afraid to even bring up the topic with him (maybe that's better?!?!?) but I am scared to death that the date will pass, with no further movement (again, he hasn't said anything to indicate this, but he also HAS NOT brought it up again in the last few months.)

Thanks again for your help...

[Mr Married]

Don't let your fears rule your world. What you fear most will become a "self fulfilling prophecy" by your own hands if you are not careful.
With that being said in regards to all of life, I'll commit directly on the relationship:

Red flags are drinking, not divorced yet, feelings for past lover

Red flags 1 & 2 are very serious, lucky for you that [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2]#2[/URL] is almost done

[URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3]#3[/URL] ....people can still feel for their past loves...nothing wrong with that. The red flag part is that he isn't over it and the length that it takes could be....who knows how long??

Peoples brains are all scrambled up during divorce. How many times have you seen people do the strangest things when going through it....ALL THE TIME!

So.....give him some time if you think you can live with the drinking flaw. Patience and Time are the most powerful warriors...decide if you want them to work for you.

One more thing: Ask a close friend of yours what they think. They will have a more unbiased opinion because they can see things you can't.