Jealous Lover

[jaque.90]

Hey there!

So I have been in my current relationship for 5 going on 6 years. It hasn't been the easiest, but what relationship is 100% perfect, right? My biggest issue is jealousy and it all comes down to my insecurities. She has always been incredibly supportive and has helped me overcome a lot of those issues that are deep in me and I am so grateful for that. But I can't help but get so jealous or angry when she goes out with her friends. I worry that someone could take advantage of her or think more of a friendship. My brain always thinks the worst. But I trust her. I trust that she'd never do anything with anyone else, but I don't trust anyone else if that makes sense? I know it's so unhealthy and beyond this issue, there's no doubt in my mind that I love her and want to be with her forever.

It gets frustrating to her which is completely understandable as I would feel the same way! Yet I can't help but feel this way. The other issues that come up all come back to this issue that I have with myself. Anyone I ask says I'm crazy and that the relationship isn't healthy and I just feel so alone about this all....

I guess the real issue is, how do I not be so jealous!?!?

Any helpful thoughts, advice, or just someone saying they go through anything even slightly similar would be appreciated.

[bulrush]

> I guess the real issue is, how do I not be so jealous!?!?

Your jealousy comes from fear. What do you fear? Do you fear her going away?

In order to deal with this you have to open up to be vulnerable, tell her you care very much about her (don't use the L word unless you mean it) and tell her your fears, that you fear her going away. As soon as you start to feel jealous, start thinking about all the positive things about her, and about all the times something went right. Then talk to her right away, tell her you are feeling insecure and you need her reassurance.

You need to do this 5-10x or more, don't give up, because she may not really understand how much you need her when you have a "fear attack", or "anxiety attack". This takes practice, people are not perfect, be patient with her. But you have to be vulnerable and open with her in order for you to learn to trust her.

Source: been there done that with something very similar. My issues didn't exhibit as jealousy because I internalized it more, but I was terrified of something I later learned was intimacy. And at the same time I was terrified of not having intimacy.

[Yadi]

Mate, you probably wont know this - The core essence of Buddhist lessons is to teach us "How to get past negative emotions". To sum up Buddhist lessons. You have to come to know the feeling. Learn it inside and out. Then, when it arises, nip it in the bud.

If I were you I would start meditating until you come to know all your feelings and emotions. This grants you the ability to ignore the bad ones (Most of the time) and revel in the good ones. If you are not keen on all this mindfulness mumbo jumbo then do yoga instead. It basically does exactly the same thing as meditating but without all the spiritual mind stuff. You learn about your body. You release tension in your muscles which then releases the tension in your mind. Yoga is like a sneak attack to take out the negative feelings. Works a treat.

Hope that helps. You seem like a good bloke. You have found the problem, accepted it, and so from here onwards its easy. However you end up getting past this thing, you are well past the worst of it already.

[Hooo!]

What do you want for your girlfriend in life?

[TheEvilJester]

It doesn't sound like your issue is simple enough for us to be able to solve here. I wish we could help, but it sounds like there may be deeper issues you need to deal with. Unless I am misunderstanding, you say that your girlfriend has NEVER given you any reason not to trust her.... yet you can't help but feel jealous anyway. I know you say that the problem isn't that you don't trust HER, it's that you don't trust other people. That's all well and good, but the end result is really still the same thing anyway. Doesn't really make much of a difference.

That kind of unfounded jealousy doesn't just come out of nowhere. Chances are you have those for a reason. Maybe you've been deeply hurt by somebody you cared about in the past. Maybe you've had a hard time ever actually getting a long lasting relationship in the first place, so that has made you paranoid that any relationship isn't going to last.

We can't really know all those details, and it seems to me like that is likely the key to your problems. Whatever has caused you to be this mistrusting even where no mistrust has been earned... that is something you have to deal with. Allow yourself to heal and grow from whatever pain was caused in your past.

Sure, in the interim you can definitely share with your girlfriend. Communication is key in any relationship. I don't think I'd necessarily suggest you tell her every single time you are feeling insecure and ask for her reassurance. Here and there is certainly fine and she should understand. But, if you do that constantly that would likely have a negative affect. When it comes down to it, if there is no reason for you to be so jealous, then the burden isn't on her to ease your mind, it should be on you to better understand WHY you feel this way and how you can better deal with it.

I don't mean to make it sound like I am blaming you, because I am definitely not. People don't just CHOOSE to be so jealous. I'd venture to guess if it were so easy to turn off, you wouldn't even be here asking us, you'd just DO it. So, I do NOT mean to make it seem like it is so easy. Whatever caused you to be so reluctant to trust was probably not your fault. ...But whatever it was, don't let it ruin your future. Whatever person did this to you, they don't deserve this power over you any more.

Good luck to you. I hope you are able to get a handle on it. You deserve somebody special who will treat you right.... and that special somebody deserves a partner who knows they can be trusted. Hopefully that can be you. Good lucl.