Does this sound like sexual harassment?

[holahaysus]

I used to work in a business with this married father 17.5 years older than me. I was 18 and he was 36 when I joined the team.

He would play 'footsie' with me under the table and wink. He would bend down and rub my leg. He shaved his beard and said 'Do you fancy me now that I look 10 years younger?'. He rubbed my back along my bra strap and kept his hand there for a few seconds as he walked past me. He would hold my arm all the time, grab my hand and hold it, touch my shoulders, my thighs, my hair- he even used to brush off my BREASTS . I remember walking in to work and he appeared out of nowhere wolf whistling at me in the car park.

He would talk about sex constantly- especially teenage sex, threesomes, losing virginity, sex jokes etc. He once said he wanted 'Fresh Cherry' and 'Young Breasts'. He asked me if I was a virgin. One morning he said to me 'I have a tube filled with cream that I want you to suck out' & he smirked and said 'I can't show you here' winking. He called me a 'Hot 19 year old' once in front of all my colleagues.

I was flattered at the time that someone older was paying attention to me but he ruined me. I went back to college since but ever since leaving the Co. I have gained weight and cut my hair and feel unattractive. I feel like he emotionally abused me as he was extremely cruel and verbally abusive to me at times. Now I feel very angry and taken advantage of. He has wrecked my self-esteem. Opinions? What should I do?

[Hooo!]

Wait what? So he sexually harasses you, tells you how hot you are and how he wants to have sex with you
And you give no indication that you do not want this behaviour
And then you gain weight and blame him?

I don’t understand

[TheEvilJester]

Didn't you post this exact topic in another section? I responded already there, so I am just going to paste my response below. However, FYI, my response did start off with a part that was in direct response to the first reply you got there. So, it won't make sense out of context. LOL! FYI, The advice in that first response (not MY response, but the response to which I had been reacting) had been to find a good guy who would help in showing you how you should be treated.

Below was my response there:

I do agree that finding a good guy will help (he can help to show you how a man SHOULD treat a woman), but I don't think I would agree with that being the solution. You should definitely deal with this FIRST before you even entertain the idea of a relationship, no matter how good the guy may be.

In my personal opinion, the actions you describe from him aren't okay in the slightest even if you were okay with them at the time. I'm a little confused on that part because it sounds like you didn't mind it at the time, but it bothered you later. That really is not the point anyway, though, because the things he did and said are NOT okay. Not unless maybe you were actually in a relationship and you both didn't mind things like that. Reading your story, my thought was what exactly about everything you described would you NOT consider sexual harassment? Basically everything he did and said could pretty much be a freaking definition of sexual harassment.

Honestly, if you are already going to therapy, I think you are off to the right start. That may be your best bet. The right professional can help you to get past this. To learn how better to deal with such a situation if it ever again arises so you don't stand back and let yourself be treated this way. Not that you are to blame at all. It was an awkward situation and I can't blame you if you didn't want to do or say anything about it for whatever reason. But you should never have to just accept that kind of behavior. You deserve to stand up for yourself if ever a situation like that were repeated.

But what is more important right now is you deserve to get through this and grow stronger for it. You deserve to forgive yourself (you did nothing wrong) and you deserve to realize just how much of a scumbag that guy was. Get yourself better and then resolve never to stand for something like that again. There is a BIG difference between a little innocent flirting and flat out sexual harassment. Flirting can be okay as long as it doesn't bother the other party. But, his idea of "flirting" was lewd, disgusting, and disrespectful.

This scumbag doesn't deserve one OUNCE of power over you. He doesn't deserve to affect how you feel about yourself. So, I know it may not be easy... but the power is in you to TAKE that power back. One thing is for sure, though, this guy deserves no place in your life. It sounds like you are already no longer with that company, so hopefully you just never see this loser again. But, if ever your paths cross again, if he continues his ways, I say report his arse immediately.

Good luck to you.

[holahaysus]

Thank you so so much for your lengthy response, I truly appreciate you taking the time to write that for me. I've never received support for this situation before so I appreciate it with all my heart. Thank you. God Bless you.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, if I was able to help even in some small way that makes me very happy. Best of luck to you.